Why is UNDERSTANDING it, often, so difficult?

Step One: Understanding it (them)

When in a relationship with a PD, trying to figure it out and get to, just WHAT is going on with them, with yourself, and the relationship is often just one big bundle of confusion and pain.

We try to talk it out with them and that doesn't seem to get us anywhere.

We may ask others if they can make any sense of it, many simply say: if you are not happy or he is treating you badly, then just get out of it. Stop seeing him, move on, be done with it, he is not worth it, you deserve better, there are so many other guys out there who may really love you and be good to you.

Sounds good, YET, you may still FEEL or THINK, that there must be some answers, solutions, CURES.

The Empathetic Male with the Narcissist Female

I have noticed many similarities in the Males I work with in recovery from a PD, female. There are volumes of information regarding the empathetic women and how she fits the profile for the Narcissistic male on the prowl for supply, not so much pertaining to the male empath attracted to the female PD, or the female PD looking to the male empath for supply.

Sisters:

Women helping women. Women loving women.

I have heard many women say, they get along much better with men than they do with women. Some say they don't trust women. Many women with the N are jealous or bitter towards the OW. The Narc gives you so little that it may be easy to fall into this trap and blame the OW for what he is doing or not doing. Easy to think he must love her more or perhaps she is better than you somehow, not the case. She is just like you in many ways.

There may be a variety of reasons why some women don't like or trust OW, in general.

My father was a N/P and my Mom drank to deal with the pain of his cold insensitive cruel ways.

In response to Pumpkin's beautiful enlightening post:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/12/17/lets-make-season-not-about-him

We just lost 20 children. 20 of our own in this country. I attended a prayer service for all involved at church on Saturday evening.

I got up and spoke about the LOST BOYS in our society and how it is our responsibility to look out for the warning signs if we see young boys in danger of becoming detatched.

What can we do? What can we do to help the MOTHER's who are so obsessed with their whacko husbands and boyfriends that they can no longer see the forest through the tree's.

Facebook tracking him, keeps you hooked.

We have all done it so don't beat yourself, however, the truth of the matter is the longer you feed that wolf, the longer you will struggle with your feelings of bruised ego and of course you continuously get retriggered when you see something new and engage in HIS life or his "people's lives" vicariously.

Breaking NC by proxy; IS BREAKING NC and Keeping the BUZZ ALIVE.

Same as when a Narc hoovers by proxy; no difference.

These unhealthy relationships are NOT just about what the NARCS do, they are about what we continue to do to torture ourselves, keep the buzz alive, and remain in an Unhealthy state of mind and being.

It is common for some to continue to engage in intrique regarding the Narc, to "hang out" with people you had in common or places you had in common, or to stalk his Facebook or other sites he frequents. Driveby's where he may be "hanging out" or where he lives or OW house, ect....

It is still head tripping about the Narc.

The mind plays tricks on us trying to keep our addiction and connection to the Narc alive.

In answer to a member out 4 months (NC) and feeling intense sadness and wanting to die.

You are grieving

Real grieving does not even begin until the cognitive dissonance die's down. This is why it seems to take so long to recover from a PD.

Depending on how long you stay in c/d determines when the real inner work and grieving begins.

A necessary step in letting go and eventually moving on.

We are not taught how or encourged to grieve in this society.

Especially when it is over someone deemed to be unhealthy or bad for us.

Many tell us that we are lucky to be done with them. Find someone better. He was a sicko anyways, ect.

So we often feel almost guilty to grieve. Ashamed for grieving a bad man.

You may feel sorry for whoever you want to feel sorry for

This is your choice.

If you want to feel sorry for the drug addict who steals all your money and then there is no food for the baby or mortgage money, this is your call.

Drug addiction is considered a sickness.

If you want to feel sorry for Charles Manson who had a mother who was a prostitute and abandoned him as a child and he went on to kill and orchestrate murder, then please do.

Of course PD's are a sickness, a disorder and of course someone does not choose this,

So if you want to feel sorry for someone who lie's, cheats, manipulatates, and uses people, then please do.

This is your choice.

NEXT GOUP begins: May 15, 2013 Wednesday @ 12 Noon, EST

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This is by Guest Blogger Portia:

Yesterday many of us responded to a post from a very confused member, who was worried that she may have misjudged a complete jerk by calling him a N, and she wondered "what if he's not" and she completely excused his vile behavior, and made up excuses to forgive him for all of it because she really liked "being up on that pedastal". This post had it all, Denial, Cognitive Dissonance, Self-blame, Obligatory Sex, thinking a relationship would evolve if sex was provided, unrealistic expectations.