"The narcissist I was involved with had me change my entire life for him then called me and in a 5 minute telephone conversation told me he changed his mind and he was not going to be with me. He said it as casually as if he decided to have chicken for dinner instead of steak. Then he proceeded to f with my mind for another 3 years." ~Foolmeonce
Why? Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.
If a narcissist is deficient in Narcissistic Supply (NS), he will seek it out from anyone he can get it from. If he comes to you after your relationship has ended, you must understand he is coming to you because he is not getting enough attention or validation from his current source of supply. I know this is harsh and may be hard to accept, but you must get it. He is not returning to you because he misses you or genuinely loves you. Remember, the only two feelings a narcissist experiences are fear and rage. Love is not a feeling a narcissist can experience. If he returns to you, it's because he needs to be validated and nothing more.
I am often asked why some narcissists return only to change their mind immediately after you commit or why they return simply to say something insulting or hurtful to you. The reason for this is because he is only returning to get a "quick fix" on his addiction. Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he's got his fix and will move on to the next best high.
Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you.
Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Starve the Vampire, ladies. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him.
My hope is if you better understand why he is coming back around, it will help you stay away him. Don't give in to him. He feels dead inside and is coming back to you to validate him now. How dare he?
Visualize him as a vampire and starve him. If that doesn't work, visualize him as an annoying rodent tugging at the end of your pant leg for attention. Just kick the disgusting creature off of you and maintain "No Contact." He will bring you nothing but hell.