I have been NC for five months. My ex Narc's final attempts at communication were about a month and a half ago. He wrote me a final email saying he was delighted to have crossed paths with me and had me part of his journey and then went on to talk about himself, his career, etc. etc. and told me to keep up my amazing smile and spirit. He never asked how I was or expressed any true remorse or that I meant anything to him. I did not respond. I initially went NC after he began to describe how he felt about me in percentages and measuring and analyzing his love for me and always questioning if it was diminishing. A month earlier he had sat in front of my bosses with me claiming I was the love of his life and that he supported me 100% in relocating my city and work after dating for a significant amount of time. I then began to find unexplained condoms, I would catch him looking at me with contempt, he would have huge gaps of being non-communicative, then highs and lows, mixed with lots of projection, such a roller coaster, push and pull. Needless to say I could write pages and pages about our dance. I met him when he was separated from his wife who he admittedly had not be very faithful to over the course of their marriage. At the time I thought our life paths had both been difficult to bring us together, we were soul mates, true loves..........well so I thought..........
What troubles me now is I have done so much soul searching, sought therapy, spent copious amounts of time with kindred family and friends and practicing my gratitude and YET I still wake up everything morning with waves of him and what happened in my mind; if I wake up in the middle of the night he is there, when I get ready in the morning his little subtle criticisms about my appearance or my body, or my hair are there, when I listen to the radio he is there...................I am sure you all get the point. I still feel so programmed and I am so frustrated.
Before I met him I felt beautiful and confident and peaceful, I knew who I was, I felt I had a lot to offer others in life and love and I had so much hope for the future. Now I feel like a robotic shell of my former self just trying to function. I cry every night. I tell myself thoughts become things and I need to get him out of my head, but to no avail. I know in reality I never mattered to him and he used words like love of my life to manipulate me and use me.......I know he was online dating within days of our break-up...........so why oh why am I still letting him pollute my days and haunt my dreams..............am I being hard on myself? Is this normal to feel after this long of NC?
Hi Rivergrace