I keep obsessing about my computer =(

...and wondering if he put monitoring software on it. He'd sent me a laptop when I moved out of state a few years ago (overstepping my boundaries when I was engaged) but I'd accepted it. Bad decision. He'd made it look like it was from my mom, he sent it through her. I didn't know how to reject it after she'd explained, not without alarming my fiance. I also kind of wanted it because I didn't have one and my fiance was weird about sharing his with me.

Anyway, the laptop arrived opened, password already chosen, some programs installed by my mom. He'd sat down with her I found out, encouraged her to add some fun ones.

After everything came out, when I found out he was lying about everything- I had a gut feeling about that laptop. I Felt It. I was convinced. He denied it to my face but his eyes seemed to say otherwise.

This really upsets me a lot. It makes me feel so violated, I can't shake the feeling it gives me. Mostly because I feel like he might have something like that on my current laptop too. That one from him died a year ago. He's had access to this new one though. Strange...one of my games recently stopped working. It freezes fairly often too. While at my apartment he would sometimes want to use it to check his e-mail and then would always clear out "history" and "recent items".

Ughhhhh!!! How can I shake this, it's messing with my head today. =( I have to go distract myself outside for awhile I think because I'm feeling panicky and creeped out. Grrrrrrr!!!