Did you try to have a friendship with the narc after you broke up?

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#1 Dec 21 - 9AM

Deidre99

Did you try to have a friendship with the narc after you broke up?

I have to ask this question, as I wonder if I'm the only one who kept things going with a narc that I was no longer dating! Grrr!

I didn't post an actual story here, in the 'share your story' section, but maybe I should. But suffice to say, I met this man back in the spring of this year. We dated a very very short time...I saw all the warning signs (not of narcissism, as I didn't know much about it then)of a narc...but, stayed in it. He took things way too fast...discussed marriaged...wanted to be exclusive right away...etc. Non stop attention/texting/picture sending, etc. We had a few arguments early on, which also seemed strange that he would get so bent with someone he barely knew. So...I broke it off...then, he begged for me back. I went back, then he broke it off. BUT...we never lost contact. With past relationships, I never kept contact. Just went on our ways.

But, with this guy...he emailed me, called, etc every day for months. We became sort of friends, so I thought. But, as time wore on, there were times when I felt confused, verbally abused, berated, etc. Almost like I was still in the relationsihp with the guy. He would tell me about women he was interested in. It hurt me. I didn't tell him that, though. I tried ending the "friendship" a few times, and he would apologize, and we would resume.

Finally, last week, after two weeks of berating, and insults...and endless chatter about all the women who wanted him...I sent him a goodbye letter. He might have been confused because he was being nice to me, when I sent it. But, that was just part and parcel of the cycle with him. He would sense me pulling away, then he'd pour on the charm. Each and every time, it went like this.

I am just curious if any of you have ever AFTER your romantic relationship ended, if you ''tried'' to remain friends...and if so, how did that work out? Did it seem like just an extension of the relationship, but you were no longer dating? Did he still treat you badly, even though now, you were supposed to be his ''friend?''

I am now NC with this man. Day 6. I know soon I won't be so raw with emotion, as long as I stay NC. I'm learning that from you, here.

#2 Dec 22 - 3PM

victimnomore

Absolutely not!

You should absolutely not remain friends with a narc. My NH was friends with everyone of his ex's. I could not understand why, but after finding this website I fully understand why. Why would you remain friends with someone who caused you so much pain. Who disrespected you and depleted you? It makes no sense because they were never your friend to begin with. They are truly the enemy. My NH asked me could we remain friends for "SOS" purposes! WTF????? I told him Hell no you are dead to me and I meant it!

victimnomore

#3 Dec 22 - 2PM

LinaS

I tried to be friends with

I tried to be friends with my exN when we first broke up, four or five years ago. We met on a dating site, and he was like a whirlwind, wanting to meet right away, telling me lots of personal stuff and travelling three hours just to spend a couple of hours at a restaurant with me. Two weeks later he called us girlfriend and boyfriend, two days after that he broke up with me. I was hurt, but I found him interesting, so we stayed friends for a couple of months. But I broke contact when he called to tell me how he had cheated on the woman he got together with after me with the woman that were to be his next girlfriend. After that we had sporadic contact, him contacting me now and then when he was out of (or wanting to get out of) relationships. I always refused to see him, and once I told him exactly what I thought of him when he told me he wanted to cheat (presumably with me). I was certain that I would never fall for him again. But then three years ago I was really depressed and vulnerable, and like a shark he could smell the blood. He showed up, and we got involved. That was what I needed right then, and I don't regret our relationship. But I regret trusting him enough to try to have a baby with him. And I'm paying the price right now. I guess my point is that you could never be friends with a man like this. He will always know when you are vulnerable. He will always strike when your defences are low. And then he will use you.

#4 Dec 22 - 1PM

helldweller

Deidre

I tried to be his friend but he said, point blank, "You are not my friend." He had a part picked for me, and if I wasn't going to play that part, I wasn't going to play ANY part.

#5 Dec 21 - 8PM

Deidre99

I have read all of your

I have read all of your heartfelt replies...thank you, ladies. I want to address them all, but I've come down with a horrible bug, and just feel lousy. :( But, in a nutshell...so many of you summed up exactly what I've come to terms with. We had no 'real' friendship. My good friend, who has stuck this out with me, and never could understand why I bothered with this guy, told me...''he just wants you in life, like he does all the other women. For you to stroke his ego. He's not interested in a friendship. He is incapable.'' The only thing I'll say...is he SEEMS to have close friendships with men. I highly doubt he has any close friendships with women. To me, that's nearly impossible for a narc to have a close friendship ...true friendship...with the opposite sex. Thanks for caring enough to share here with everyone...you are helping me get through this, in ways you have no idea! *hugs*

#6 Dec 21 - 7PM

betty2020

Define friendship. In my

Define friendship. In my mind a friend is someone who is available for you during the worst moments of your life. They are there to comfort you, support you and give you assistance if you need them. The are there to share your triumphs and tribulations. Good or bad regardless. They take interest in you as a person and respect boundaries. They would never intentionally hurt you or put you in harms way. I never had a friendship with the narcissist. What i had was a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, manipulative, controlling, demanding, abusive, mind rapist of a boyfriend that knew nothing of what a friendship entailed. No. I never looked back nor had the desire to keep someone like this in my life once i knew all of what he was about. Never had the desire to inflict mind mutilation and torture upon myself once i was at the point of recognition. I moved on with my life and my recovery. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#7 Dec 21 - 6PM

onwithmylife

My EXn

Wanted NOTHING to do with any of the woman he had a relationship with, said something along those lines to me once, must have too much guilt over how he treated me and the others.

#8 Dec 21 - 5PM

fedup

I think the whole point

of an N wanting to remain friends is all about keeping one foot in the door. You never know when that wind-up doll waiting on the shelf might come in handy.......... (danger danger, supply running low wind her up, and watch her go!) It's taken me a lot of years to figure it out, but exes are exes for a reason. In my younger days,I kept hanging out with one of my exes as a friend for a couple of years after we split. As far as PDs goes--I think he had ......all of them. (LOL) And I sat there scratching my head, wondering why I couldn't get a date. For the longest time.A third party had to point it out to me that any time a man would approach me to talk, my ex would be there within moments, injecting himself into the conversation.Once it was pointed out to me, I noticed it, too. he didn't want to commit to me--but I guess he didn't want anyone else to have me either.......what a schmengie. At least I know better now.

#9 Dec 21 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

truetotruth

Fedup

Couldnt have said it better myself, thats exactly what I thought I was to him "danger danger, supply running low wind her up, and watch her go!)" I was nothing.....ever. It defies all the logic I have.

#10 Dec 21 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

fedup

The sad truth

is that Logic Does Not Apply. Never did, doesn't now, never will. It's like trying to talk to a brick wall--everything just bounces back at us--nothing gets through. I think finally reaching that truth has made it a little easier for me--kinda like some strange level of acceptance.I still bear the scars of N abuse, but I've finally figured out it's not my fault hope your pain starts to ease soon.........

#11 Dec 21 - 4PM

Briseis

With friends like these

With friends like these idiots, who needs enemies??? What is the definition of a friend? What is the definition of a Narc? Let's see this for what it IS. Insanity.

#12 Dec 21 - 12PM

Alibi_10

Staying friends

I tried it ... it didn't work. The other posts on here say it all - if they treat you badly in a relationship, they treat you just as badly out of one. In fact, for me it was worse because his bad behavious was more often than not punctuated with "I'm not your boyfriend, we aren't anything !!". He began by witholding all intimacy which I also found painful because I still found him attractive, but he had made me feel unattractive because he started criticising me for being too pale, he didn't like my new haircut (everyone else did) - on and on. But he also continued to criticise me when we were 'just friends' !! How does that work? I wouldn't dream of saying to him - ugh how can you go to bed without cleaning your teeth (though I thought it!). No, this was a very timely post - because I have dragged on and on waiting for him to change his mind, to the point of distraction, but it came to a head a few weeks ago when it was a painfully sad anniversary for me, and he said he would call me on that day. He didn't call, and I was bad and called him a few times. His phone was off (telephone terrorism again), then he rang and said that he hadn't called because something had upset him (all about him?) but he didn't want to tell me what it was. He then berated me for not calling to see how HE was !! For me - game over. I was upset because I still have some of his stuff in my house (expensive), and got some good advice on here. We have spoken a couple of times since then, but am more resolved than ever that I have to get him out of my life. He is not a friend. To quote him "We aren't anything".

#13 Dec 21 - 12PM

mystwoman

Xnh initially tried to stay

Xnh initially tried to stay "friends" with me. That was NOT my vote. He's now pushed it to the point that I've filed harassment complaints at work, and I've changed all of my emails, phone numbers, etc. in order to maintain any NC that I can. I want nothing to do with him. Xnh abused me, cheated on me, betrayed my friendship/love in every way possible, and he did it for the entire past 16 years. We're not friends. Friends don't treat me the way xnh did. Any form of contact with xnh just means another round of mistreatment, hurt, and abuse for me. For me, being "friends" with xnh is like letting him "having his cake and eat it, too". It would mean that he mistreated, devalued, and discarded me like trash...and then he could keep me around in his life to use for more supply in the future. Not going to happen. I'm done.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#14 Dec 21 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Godhasaplanforme

you wont believe this but I

you wont believe this but I said the exact same thing to the narc when he asked to be ordinary friends after devouring my heart and stampeding upon my feelings...i said... "You cant have the cake and eat it too" meaning you cant have all the good times with me, have fun being friends and then when it comes commitment and loyalty, you weasel out.. the narc was extremely eloquent but this example just went over his head.....next day as part of breaking my NC rule he brought me a cake with a post-it on top...saying...you can have the cake and eat it too.. I trashed the cake and him too (by remaining NC)

#15 Dec 21 - 11AM

Sherbear

I know what you mean....

I tried to stay friends with mine after he broke it off with me in March. My main objective was to keep the friendship in tact b/c that's what we were, more than any relationship. We grew up together 30 years ago and were each other's first kiss... When we reunited, we helped each other thru some very difficult times....he would tell me things like God brought me back to him, I was the only woman who could save him, b/c I was always in his heart. So I fought to keep our friendship together. But he would only contact me when it was conveniant for him, would ignore any contact I would initiate, would lie to me about staying single (even tho I never asked him once), would ask to see me and catch up and then break the promises.....It just got to be too much. When I saw the OW's page with pics of him and her from that weekend, when he had just contacted and told me he loved me....that was it for me. IT wasn't the woman, it was the lies and deceit...and the throwing of scraps to me. I will never be THAT woman....not even for him. I kept waiting for his actions to match his words but it never happened. :o( So I am learning to let go of this relationship in my life, it's very difficult for me. I have to accept the blessing of him coming back into my life and him helping me thru a very hard time and then I have to let him go. VERY HARD THOUGH. But I am doing it.... So yes, we broke up in March and I ended our friendship in August....I understand what you are saying. You're doing great and keep wishing you well!

#16 Dec 21 - 10AM

StillHurting

Not even sure if we are friends....

I am not even sure if we are friends or what because I can't get any straight answers on the status of the romantic relationship...LOL! I am not supposed to bring that up. I think I will not be friends when it is all said and done. My "friends" don't treat me like this.

#17 Dec 21 - 10AM

blueeyes

I never tried to be

friends with my NH. He doesn't have any "real" friends. He has a bunch of acquaintances. Any friends he does get he seems to drive away at some point. When he was trying to get me to stay with him after I already filed for divorce, he mentioned wanting to be "friends' for the kids. I pretended to want the same. I lied to keep him from raging at me. I don't want him as a friend, husband or my kids father. When he is released from the mental hospital (that will not help him) we will see if he pulls the friend card via 3rd parties. He can't be my friend tho, I will call the police and enforce the RO and put him in prison. I did date a N in college and we tried to remain friends after breaking up. It didn't work because he still wanted to sleep with me and turn around and hurt me by seeing other woman. We were "friends" for about a year. I had to let him go because he was killing me.

#18 Dec 21 - 9AM

Deidre99

I tried to edit my typos.

I tried to edit my typos. :P I also wanted to add that my situation sounds slightly different than others here, because I basically ended a ''friendship'' with a narc, as opposed to the fact that I didn't ''just'' break up with him. When we were dating, he removed some women from his FB. I didn't ask for this, he told me he wanted to remove them as it showed ''honor'' for me. Ok, wow...that sounded so noble right? Well, the DAY after we broke up...I mean, like not even a full 24 hours later, all those women were back on his FB. LOL And he was posing with some sexy/shirt off look. I was like omg. D, run for the hills. Ok...so he did THAT...and on the same day, writes me a loooong letter saying how he will never meet someone as great as me...I was everything he wanted. He just isn't emotionally ready for a relationship. And on and on and on. I didn't reply right away. Which brought another sobbing letter. I finally wrote back...it's ok...we haven't known each other that long. lol He wrote back flatter then, probably thinking that I didn't care. I did care, but at that time? I could have (and should have) walked away rather easily. My ego and esteem didn't take the full beating, until all the months later, when we kept in contact, and became ''friends.'' And at the end, he told me he didn't really care about our friendship all that much. That hurt. I was a good friend to this man, a man who treated me badly. So...my situation is different, but the same, as the end result was the same. Me hurt by a narcissist. That said, just wondered if anyone had a similar situation happen to them. A break up with a narc that turned into a friendship?

#19 Dec 21 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Scoop

I tryed being friends with

I tryed being friends with mine after he said "he couldnt handle a relationship with me because i was too needy " lol So we carryed on as normal the only diffrence was we didnt have sex but thats not to say we didnt sleep in the same bed with him cuddled up to me wtf eh . He would then breakk down and asked me to sleep with him and then we where just friends again and this happened so many times i use to foget itf we wwhere friends or lovers . The time when we where "just friends " he would be just as abusive to me , in fact he had extra amonition he would say things like "why to you still come round , this must be horrible for you " when it was he that asked me to come round WTF . He would say things like "you love me way more than i love you " and this little gem "im sick of you always comming round havnt you got the message yet " that was just after we had had sex one morning ... how about this one too "why dont you go and sleep with someone else " .... the think is duing that time he persued me . After that time we got back together for about 6 months and it was "i love you " or "youre beautiful " and "lets run away together" ... it just points out the sad inconsitancys with theses guys , friends or lovers you are just supply . Stay away as he will hover again they cant help them selves .xxx

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