PEACE AND TRANQUILITY

27 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 26 - 6AM

Used

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY

today, is agood day, i slept well, i looked out of the window and its pouring with rain so i thought am staying in...cleaned up had a shower, no big deal one might think.. yes it is 2years ago...the narc would phone me to meet, i would say i will be a while i havent cleaned or showered.. he would say LEAVE ALL THAT.. i am not waiting a while, i would leave my housework[important to me] throw some clothes out and rush to meet him in a cab, all the while he would be phoning come on come on... me having panic attacks...get there and he would say..you had those clothes on yesterday[unheared of for me]. you were rushing me thats why, you said if you dont hurry up i am f..king off... i would have a lousy day feeling dirty and aware of not cleaning up to be with piece of shit... me who always looked pristine and shiney clean, as he sat there in a tee shirt with a stain for every dinner he had eaten that week and shorts what ever the weather and his teeth not cleaned again... he took me to the abyss and i let him b/c like my mother and exh i thought i couldnt live without them and needed them with all the fibre of my being...and cos i had gone from myn mum to nexh and then narc i never had time to address why i wanted or needed this kind of abuse.... for the first time since i was 14 i am alone, with all my demons addressed and my reasons for being with them....heres my conclusion.... they needed me, not the other way round i just believed all they said....my 3 major relationships in my life turned out to be the same people... needy, afraid of bieng alone, frightened... i was their strength and backup when things went wrong...didnt see them when they were ok ...until they needed PUTTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.... i am so glad to be free...and i look round at my clean home and my clean self and more importantly not feeling dirty in mind or body so to day "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER" thankyou to lisa, betty, shanysmommy, moonshine, brieses, ms vulcan and every member on this board for helping me to become the women i have become today.... not a victim but a victorxxxxxxxx

#2 Oct 27 - 8AM

helldweller

Used

You seriously need a new name, girl! Me, too! I'm sitting here this morning paying my bills, checking emails, getting ready for my noon lecture, all dressed up and drinking my coffee, listening to classical music station, the lovely leaves falling outside. Dickless walked by me at school this morning in the same damned shirt he has had on for two weeks (as he hasn't gone to work again in that long), his stupid ball cap and saggy jeans, smoking his cigarette. I said hello to his little boy and nodded to him and said, "Your honor" without a trace of sarcasm. He had his puppy dog eyes on and you know what? They didn't bother me! Amazing what the delete button can do for your self esteem! I'm looking around imagining how I'm going to decorate, how much fun it's going to be at Christmas, how maybe I'll have some friends over for a Thanksgiving breakfast and champagne after early morning Mass. Oh, my gosh. I just got tears in my eyes. For once in so long they are happy tears. Boy, you really hit a nerve with me when you mentioned the crappy clothes. That ass could not look presentable for me. Even when we had plans to go to a nice dinner he would show up in the t-shirt and saggy jeans, but for his friends he looked fantastic. Yuck.

#3 Oct 27 - 9AM (Reply to #26)

Used

helldweller

he not only wears the same clothes for weeks on end, he apparently slept in them as well...he smelled so much one day..we were sitting outside a coffee shop, that customers complained about the smell..and the smell from his feet was wafting up... i was sitting there as clean as a new pin[in the begining] and i still defended him to the owners and said leave him alone he is ill.... 2weeks later i saw him in diffrent clean clothes..but i called him on it...i said oh so you get cleaned up to trawl but with me..oh i am only with used i dont need to bother..he denied it.but for the next 2days..he showered b/f he met me..and said i have done this for you smell my clothes... he lives in shorts..too tight..tee shirt..stained and desert boots all the time.. in winter he dresses up a bit..jeans and coat and struts his stuff, but last winter he didnt even bother with that..by then i had dropped him, he has put on about 3stone in wieght, he was already fat... you see, what that should have told me when he was smelly, that he knew he had got me...he didnt have to act any more....oh and sometimes he wears a HOODIE, over his tee shirt...well thats ok he is only getting on for 50.... if ya dont laugh ya will cry with this lot.thanks for comment about new name, but used is about how i USED to be..its a kind of play on words...i did change it for a day.... but i need it i think to keep me focusedxxxPS he has also gone bald, and got him self a baseball cap, but he has a realy big head...the day he wore it with me...wasent i honoured!!!... i had to say , it doesnt fit i couldnt let him walk about like that....BUT I DIDNT TELL HIM IT LOOKED LIKE A PIMPLE ON A PIGS ARSE.... i should have just let him wear it...

#4 Oct 27 - 8AM

helldweller

Used

#5 Oct 27 - 6PM (Reply to #24)

almostlydia

I have a new name for you

I have a new name for you Helldweller: Hellbentanddetermined. I'm so happy for you in your new place, making plans, feeling empowered by that simple delete. I doubt anyone else but us would understand how powerful one little thing could be. That is the power that comes with changing the cell number. Then you have decided. It is the next step to power and it is an amazing one. almostlydia

almostlydia

#6 Oct 26 - 6PM

lynn61

used

RIGHT ON SISTER!!!!!

really??

#7 Oct 26 - 5PM

moonshine

USED!

You are an inspiration and i am very happy for you. Thanks for the post.

#8 Oct 26 - 2PM

Briseis

This is the peace and

This is the peace and serenity within yourself that is "promised" if you buckle down and do the work :) It seems SO far off sometimes :( . I know for myself I could not imagine it, back then. I kept hearing "it's gonna be OK, keep the focus on you, get a good therapist, share/vent/get feedback, one day/minute/second at a time." It's like you wake up one day and it hits you that you've BEEN peaceful and serene, off and on for a while, and didn't even realize it. At least that was how it was for me. Real life is still there with the bills and co-workers and weird family and all that stuff. But the "old" stuff that used to just plague with pain is just not there anymore. I too thought *I* was the one that needed him. Which is why he got away with murder. But by the end of the relationship, it was SO CLEAR that I was the one that was needed, and being used up and drained dry, and that he was not going to stop until something stopped him. That something had to be me. It was an act of survival.

#9 Oct 26 - 11AM

almostlydia

Bravo to you too! Maybe

Bravo to you too! Maybe it's what comes after the full moon:) I woke up with a new plan for me today too and it feels like everything will be alright. Enjoy and may it be just the beginning to many many more. almostlydia

almostlydia

#10 Oct 26 - 10AM

lisarudi

very cool..........

I love that you have arrived in a place where you feel safe and peaceful. Nothing can replace those feelings; not cars, houses, money, men, shopping......nothing. They are not easily found, but when discovered they can be your greatest treasure. So happy for you.

#11 Oct 26 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

Used

lisarudi

thankyou all these posts have ment so much to mexxx

#12 Oct 26 - 8AM

jen79

used

Wow what a post. And you are so right, my relationships were the same, they needed me when they were shitty, and I was thrown away when they were ok. We need to get out of this enmeshment. Great post!

#13 Oct 26 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

Thanks Jen!!!

Thank you SO MUCH for your validation regarding the ex-P's "meaning of life" as "war and war and war and war." You weren't the only one to come to THAT conclusion ;) Turns out a decade ago I preferred peace and tranquility! When every other word in a man's essay is "war"--it shows he has problems. Considering my firsthand experience with the ex-P, he was a psychopath who fed off of other people's confusion, anger, and fear. "War and war and war and war"--I prefer PEACE!

#14 Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

jen79

Susan

hahaha. I thought the same too, if someone is using the word war every two seconds, something is seriously wrong. LOL

#15 Oct 26 - 4PM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

"Make love, not war"

The motto of the '60s. I was kind of a hippie back in New Mexico (it was home to a famous commune used in the "Easy Rider" movie),but kicking back here in the Bay Area, I'm MORE of a hippie than ever. All I need is patchouli... In the past decade, I've let the real me "come out." Everybody here in the Bay Area comes out ;) Bigger music collection than back in college... writing about spirituality... going to Buddhist and Sufi retreat centers... And here's a place all about peace http://www.cafegratitude.com "Something is seriously wrong"-And definitely NOT boyfriend/spouse material! That's why I HOPED the OW was a Narc herself. Yes, Narcs marry each other&have kids. It does indeed happen. Why did I hope she was a Narc like the ex-P? Because of the principle of ahimsa (non-harming). I did NOT want her to suffer. Bizarre... "Using the word war every 2 seconds"-Perhaps the kids at UMass Medical who intern at Worcester State Hospital should use it when they're studying abnormal psychology. It's amazing how writing styles reveal people's psychology. It's been cogently argued that Wittgenstein's "Tractatus" is helpful in understanding autism, and the way that the autistic see the world. Antoine Brillat-Savarin said "Tell me what you eat, and I will show you who you are." The same goes for writing. "What's funny about peace, love and understanding?"-Elvis Costello

#16 Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

almostlydia

susan

I love patchouli and Elvis Costello.:) almostlydia

almostlydia

#17 Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

wholeagain

Patchouli

I used to live in Santa Cruz, where you're surprised if you walk anywhere and it *doesn't* smell like patchouli! I kinda miss it.

#18 Oct 26 - 8AM

wholeagain

Enjoy

every second of that peace and tranquility, it was hard won! I love your observation that you didn't need them so much as they needed you, but you believed all they said...I'll have to think about that one. I love a nice day alone in my clean place (and a clean self) so in spirit I will be with you having a cup of tea and watching the rain :) xoxo

#19 Oct 26 - 6AM

faithinthefuture

This is awesome!

The calm after the storm. What a wonderful post used. Don't forget to give yourself credit too. You have come a long way. I'm very happy for you.

#20 Oct 26 - 6AM

Mariline

What a wonderful post, dear!

What a wonderful post, dear! What a wonderful post......and you are right, and I am so happy....and so proud of you (((hugs)))) (OMG! Your Narc also had shorts all day no matter what the weather was????? They seem the same person! Oh,m they think they are so special, and they are all the same......a boring list of pathologies! And no originality in their craziness too)

#21 Oct 26 - 6AM

michele115 (not verified)

That is so beautiful

and inspiring to hear this early morning...enjoy it now and always.

#22 Oct 26 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

blueeyes

Fabulous!

Enjoy! I am happy for you!

#23 Oct 27 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

Used

blueyes

GOOD LUCK FOR TODAY....thinking of you, hope all goes well..love USED

#24 Oct 26 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

desprathousewife

Oh used that is fantastic

What a truly uplifting post. That's put a huge smile on my face. Well done YOU, long may it continue :) xxx

#25 Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

Used

dhw

thankyou.. the responses to this post has blown my mind... i was just writing how i felt.. i didnt dream that it would be so validated...and yet thats what we are hereto heal and thats what i must feel today..healed and hope everybody will end up in the place i felt today b/c you all helped me get there..and now i know, and want newbies to know...NO CONTACT iS THE ONLY WAY TO GET Therexxxxxx

#26 Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

desprathousewife

It's not only valid, it's

It's not only valid, it's something we all aspire to. It feels so good to here of other's SUCCESSES, and you are becoming a very successful lady, as well as a clean one, with a tidy house (that did make me laugh). They have taken up so much of our damned time with all their childish needs and demands. Now we can all spend that wasted time on US :) You are helping ME get there too! My 11 weeks 4 days of NO CONTACT is setting me in good stead. Happy days :) And again, thank you Ms Inspiration :D xxx

#27 Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

MovinOnUp

Used

A very inspiring post indeed. Thanks for sharing, Used... no more!!! When I woke up I found a lot of these critters in my midst. All take and little give. And you're right, they needed us a lot more than we ever needed them. So happy to see you making such great progress, Used.

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