It's been a decade since the D&D. I thought I wouldn't be emotional about it... but I have been for the past year. A classmate whom he triangulated with me passed away last year, under enigmatic circumstances. It was so tragic and bizarre it was triggering.
Now I realize why the ex-P NEVER contacts me. There's that quote that Narcs only keep "enabling lackeys, fellow bullies&gossips close." A gift in disguise.
somilar situations with xh,(married 22 yrs) but mine was a xNh and I didn't realize until the light went off with the XN! It felt so "familar" and right..but the secretiveness of both, the lying, one put me as the madonna, the other only threw me scraps//both were (say were, because XNH has yet to be found, isn't it just like a N to have everyone wondeing about him...him being the big mystery that everyone talks about) Narcs..yes, Denial first, for me, then scared of the heartbreak, Bargaining (like you said) Depression, wanting to keep to myself with headphones on, living in my own world, then Acceptance ..getting out, exercise, fresh air, stopping in to see friends, actually stopping for friends that I ran into and making conversation..setting up getting together again...Doin that..laughing, sharing stories, hearing myself say what my next plan is for work, lifeplan, etc...being EXCITED about that (this is where I am now) just our summer place, here now for the last day, boxes have been shipped..having breakfast with an old girlfriend (walking partner) returnins the cable boxes, and closing this chapter! Thanks for posting these stages, I feel right on track, and YES excited for what life brings, because I CHANGED and got off the ride!
so glad to hear you sound so great.. like you i didnt relize my exh was a narc.. until i met my narc.. the familier feeling when i met narc was amazing.. the connection so awesome[ i thought] then relizing he was my exh again but younger lol... and how out of the blue one day me saying to narc... i dont do sex or any form of touching ..this is just friendship.. i had only met him 3 times lol... he said to me later that he thought arrogant bitch.... oh narc you mean there is a woman out there who doesnt want your body..haha... i still stayed on that rocky road.... after a while he kept telling about all these women who wanted him, and they did... but it was to get a reaction out of me.... silly silly boy... good luck.. oh and the stages were given to me ,when i was still in denial,, saying things like..he wouldnt do that.. no he couldnt do that...he did and could.... my anger stage with narc was a sight to behold.. wow!!!
That post made me laugh, you are quite a character and with moral values too. You see right through him and that is just bloody fantastic!! Good for you, one girl that he couldn't control, hee hee hee
and he tried.. he even wanted me to choose to meet him for a coffee or my son.i said both of us or neither,,,, but it wasent always like that..... how strange you said that.about control. after his last screaming fit last year.when i was having a chat with someone and wouldnt leave them to go off with him{ I USED TO.] i would leave anything or anyone to be with him.. i was so rude to people.. i used to say..gotta go. he wants me now...wow. anyhow back to last day... he was screaming saying ...you have f..king used me and treated me like sh... i said now you know how it feels.and i carried on saying.. you dont OWN ME, YOU DONT CONTROL ME ITS OVER!!!! and it was and is....and he loved my character my morals my heart of a lion[he said]... not relizing these would be the very things that helped me get out... he will always be a part of my head... cos i have had 2relationships since i was 15... my exnh and him... he would have taken me to the depths of depravity with him....i even told him, when he came out with narc natter.. dont bother i was married to you for31 years... you are my exh again....why wasent he pleased ..oh yes cos he thought he was a ONE OFF... no love there are thousands of you out there..
Silly N, I would love to have been a fly on the wall when you said, YOU DON'T OWN ME, YOU DONT CONTROL ME, ITS OVER. Fantastic!! Its amazing how they think we show them so much love that we will not be able to eventually leave. They are all so similar, different packaging, different styles of abuse, but the same old shit underneath. yeah you're right when you say they will always be in there but I think eventually once years pass by we can file them away in a place that brought hard tough lessons but real growth to us. When we fall down that hard, its like fighting a full on addiction staying away from them but eventually like all addictions we learn if we touch the hot pot, we will just get burned. I'm sure most of them want to come back to have the last laugh and leave us reeling, if we can close the door and remember to keep it shut tight at least we have some dignity. And a girl needs dignity, especially when you have morals and ethics. I loved your posts, thanks for chatting and I have gained even more strength reading your posts. Take care and keep it up, you're great to have on here and will help so many girls with your support, strength and positivity xxx
Good on you Tica, isn't it funny that when you decide to close the chapter and really internalise it, its hard but you find the support you need in so many forms. I love reading positive stories, hugs to you xxx
I am finally here, it has been a hard 8 months but I am very much down the road of healing. I no longer have the distorted thinking, I see clearly that my ex is a Narcissist and a complete waste of time and energy, I am happy on my own, at peace and I no longer have to put up with sexual and emotional abuse and a lack of acceptance from his mixed up freaky family. Mine was a passive aggressive N, would dish out the silent treatment from days to months, I hated myself, I blamed myself, I completely ate myself up with stress. Gained 20 kg's and there wasn't a day that I woke without dark circles under my eyes, I had aged overnight. I put up with 9 years of this bullshit and I can honestly look back now and say, what an experience. I am more at peace, more aware and so in tune with abuser tactics that I honestly feel safe now. I don't have to lose trust and close my heart as I have complete trust in my ability to spot this behavior a mile off. I am grateful to all the ladies here and Barbara who helped me back In February when this loser disappeared from my life without even a goodbye. he has since tried to come back, but the door was closed. Due to this site giving me an education about abusers and Barbaras recommendation that I see a therapist I was able to heal my childhood wounds. My father gave my mother silent treatment and other forms of non battering abuse for years when I was a child, he possessed her and she was a successful working mum. I adored both of them as he was good to me even though he could not heal his own insecurity. I attracted many N's, one after another and finally this one brought me to my knees. I could not sleep, eat or function at work and finally I said enough, I want to be happy and heal my pain. Now that I know the reasons that I allowed myself to put up with this I can no longer allow it to happen again. It is hard work but absolutely freeing to my soul. I am doing well at work again, making new friends who are genuine and trustworthy, Im even very selective with female pals and people I want to surround myself with and spend time with. It is a a completely new way of life for me and it is wonderful. So I say thank you Mr Narcissist, you no longer have any power over my heart, head, actions or soul. I know every day is a day to get stronger and every day is a day that I fully live now, when I think of him from time to time it makes me shudder, I forgive him but I don't have to have anything to do with him. I bought a house, a new car and a float for my horses, when I was with him I was an emotional wreck with an invisible ball and chain who could hardly keep job due to the emotional stress and PTSD. To all you girls that are still struggling, keep reading, do seek help to heal your wounds and do not lose all the wonderful qualities that you have of empathy, kindness and a genuine respect for people, you will find yourselves again, I did and I was lost. Thanks to everyone here Hugs to you all xxx
Your comments are so inspirational...I am right there with you, always attracted N's, see that my mother was a N and i was her youngest baby (5) and her sidekick..she used me for many a pry..and I went along, it was fun! so no wonder why I am attracted to such a "fun" guy..all based on emotional highs..Like you, I took myself to as low as I could go and fortunately, dug deep and stopped the abuse..got out and never looked back (almost 4 months now)and also like you, i have accepted my responsibility for this and recognize this personality, in both men and women..but honestly, men..You sound so strong now, and very clear..so happy for you..I am joining you on that path :)
Hey Tica, thanks a lot for your follow up, wahl we all have our part to play in all this drama. I think we had to get to an al time low and be hurt by someone that we loved so much to delve into all of this deep hurt. It still is no excuse for the way we were treated but at least now we have a say in what and who we will allow into our peaceful space. Four months is great, thats fantastic and I'm sure over time you will only get stronger and stronger. I'm glad to have found all the great women here and knowing that there are others who have managed to climb out of the goop is very inspirational. Hope to chat again, have a fantastic weekend xxxx
yes they can do that.. but what i have found with myexh.. is tho i have reached acceptence with him.. i can still get days when i get very down then i think i have known this man since i was 14... i know his every expression his every fear. his every i will put a good face on days... so i know what he is feeling on said day..even if someone mentions him and says.. exh said such and such .. i know thats not what he realy means...and today apart from telling our kids i havent aknowlegeded his birthday... he wont tell anyone else that.. he will say to other people.. i got a brilliant card and gift from used.... i know him of old, when we were married he would say we wont tell anyone else i didnt get anything from whoever.. ive rambled on a bit cos there is part of me that thinks i have known him over 40yrs..kids and grandkids together... i never dreamed the day would ever come that i would even do this.... as for the narc i am not there yet with him.. part of that is i have a problem coming to terms with 1 getting involved with him,2 so knowing the red flags from exh and still staying with him for all that time... but i suppose thats all about melol, forgiving my self... then maybe i will get acceptence then with him...11more days and i will be nc with him for a year... i finished it with both but 2weeks apart.... there must have been something in the air for me last octoberxxx
He's not in my life
Used
tica
USED
tryingtoheal
USED
tryingtoheal
TICA
ACCEPTANCE
Tryinto heal
TICA
tryingtoheal
Thanks Used but you are used no longer
Thanks Used!!
sherbear