Why we are drawn to them and they, to us......

After the ex-Psych professor, I was in a toxic workplace with a Narc boss for five years. With the Narc boss, I learned to have better boundaries, to not be as emotionally invested. It also helped that the Narc boss was openly gay... so no temptations of falling for a guy who wasn't interested. Being in a toxic workplace can STILL be wearing, even if you do have boundaries and distance. A few of my coworkers were abusive, and some of them abused drugs as well. There was an incredibly abusive cook, and when I stood up for myself, it angered her further. She'd accuse me of being selfish... but unlike with the ex-P, I didn't take it personally. When I parted ways with that toxic workplace, I didn't feel a sense of loss, but a sense of relief.

The ex-Psych professor caught onto my empathy very quickly. In an odd way, in my freshman year... he sounded like a website on narcissists, and this site did NOT exist! Even the D&D kind of was like it, with him telling me to have "emotional distance" and "focus on yourself, don't think about me." The whole D&D wasn't exactly the "you're worthless" (tho I felt that way) but "keep your distance"--rather frustrating when it's neither yes or no to a yes or no question. His advice- 1)Keep your distance from me 2)Don't take what I say personally 3)I'm a negative person Weird, because these things show up on "How to handle Narcs." He admitted to "struggling with narcissism" and I was ready to help. It didn't help. Once, he said, "You want to stop others from hurting because you're hurting inside." Some projection going on... because his hurting was leading him to hurt me. During the D&D, I'd tell him I could TELL he was angry, and he'd deny it, but I'd say "you're acting like someone who's angry." In my junior year, when he was concealing things from me and acting guilty, I'd say "I know something is bothering you" and I've even say "that's one guilty silence." It's like the silent treatment didn't work, like when he'd go quiet when I brought up certain profs not getting tenure. He did play on my vulnerabilities, he did betray my trust as a friend and a student... but I also found his vulnerabilities. He was a moron... self-centeredness didn't make him a great philosopher/teacher. I mean, complaining to his students about my dating???? Yeah, Narcs can be stupid... but that kinda takes the Ace of Cakes!

"One of the most gifted (0r most cursed) empaths I know is in a relationship with a female narcissist". Oh dear for me... I felt i was losing myself in that relationship. If you can all it that. With her. I had my first therapy session today. It went very well my therapist recognised that i seek a fulfillment as a family as i have lost all of mine (mum, dad, brother and sister) and she provided me with everything. She (my ex) picked up on my vulnerability. "He’s a gentle, happy person who spends his time making others feel good, too, or talking them through difficult times". Yep that's me. "...and as an abuser, she makes sure she’s with him as much as possible so he doesn’t get any time away from her to sort through his own feelings. I’ve seen this stay-within-my-presence-so-I-can-remind-you-how-great-I-am behavior from most narcissists in relationships, though it’s not necessarily a sign of narcissism but more one of insecurity. If the empath can be controlled by being in a narcissist’s presence and the narcissist can feed off the empath’s understanding and devotion, then the relationship becomes very sick very quickly". and errr... that's me again. The thing is i know somehow she's gonna come back again (i just have that gut feeling) and she'll do the crying thing put her arms around me. I won't be able to resist (i'm not feeling good right now.. why would i want be with someone that cheated and lied to me) and that'll be it.. start again. Oh god. I thought i was something like this.. (empath) I've been stalked before - a few times, pestered for sex and when you say 'no' it makes it worse!, yes it sometimes happens to guys and i can't just jump into bed with someone that i hardly know and don't fancy - don't hear that often from a bloke. Thing is girls - some guys are not - i dunno 'aggressive' or forceful and i'm definitely not gay. And i have been told i've got to be honest with myself, so you're getting to hear all this. Fucking hell.. perhaps i'm the one that's fucked up.. i'm staying on my own and staying away from a serious female relationship. Sorry to be ranting but i'm being honest! I've booked marked this link as i need to study it more. Thanks Lisa.. i need to know more about myself.

I have heard of "empath" but not paid much attention to it, but dang, did that description apply to me. I already do a lot of what she says she does to "protect" herself. It sort of happens naturally. I used to think I was just being avoidant, but lately I just think "who cares, I'm just the way I am". Now, I understand it better. I really do avoid intrusive people. Since I can't absolutely avoid them, I have what I call my "Weird Shield" LOL. It is an imaginary -- but effective -- mind set I pull on when I must interact with someone who is intrusive. It reduces my anxiety by being a little bit "funny", at least the idea of it. And I remain polite, I pretend to listen, and I appear supportive. But I don't go in deep. I don't get sucked in. I'm very aware that the other person doesn't suck me in. My boundaries are so permeable that I have to take extra care for myself. I also must remember to sit back and not make crack decisions. It takes me longer to know what MY feelings on the matter are. It is so much easier (effortless, sometimes) to know what everyone else wants. It explains how I've had a lot of intrusive difficult people in my life. They sense in me that I don't have rigid boundaries, I am the perfect person for them. Well, not anymore. Thanks to my exNarc, I've had enough and I give myself 100% permission to stay the hell away. Just because I'm sensitive to another person's feelings does not mean I am at their disposal, nor do I have to 'obey' their needs.

Yes, I stayed because I "saw" him--better than he saw himself or ever will. It sucks.

My therapist says the same thing. She recommended a book to me that was so helpful in seeing why I chose my exNH, why I chose the men before him, too...and is helping me change those facets of myself that sought out relationships with narcissists of varying degrees. Women Who Love Too Much http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284335453&sr=8-1

I believe the only people N's can get are empathetic ones, those who do not have clear boundaries to protect themselves and let people in their lives who do not belong and we become taken advantage of.I know when my EXN moved into my place, my stuff went out the door and his stuff stayed with us whereas we should have negotiated together in partnership about we would stay and go, it was never any type of partnership, just him vs. me, he did not how to have a mature, adult relationship, which is why he leads a lonely, desolate life.now where no one cares if he lives or dies.......

I found out about empaths some months ago, which expained alot of my daily struggles. I started now to respect this "nature" of mine. I make no exceptions any more, friends, family or work doesn't matter, since I have difficulties to seperate myself from certain negative "energies". I feel like spong. I had problems to differ my feelings from those of others all my life, but I never really noticed it with awareness. I guess that's why we all here suffer from this cognitive dissonance thing so strong, and that's why we stayed so long with the Narcs. Cause we did feel their internal struggle, we didn't just see the mask and the empty shell, well I noticed it, but it didn't make long till I was sure this is just a mask, and the person behind it started to interested me. I think we are too compassioned, we try to explain to people which effect their behaviour has on us, hoping it will make them stop, but we didn't expect the false mask would be protected, no matter what. Well bottom line is, we can stay compassioned, and at the same time using our wisdom, creating some healthy boundaries - the middle way - yin and yang, balance between darkness and light so to say. Maybe that's why we are drawn to each other? Karma correlations? What we have too much, they lack of, but neither one of us is really balanced, they have too much darkness, we too much light....lesson learned.

Oh my goodness lisa , what an amazing post . I have never really heared much about empaths but i am one 100 % . What this woman wrote is describing me . I just live with it and dont tell anyone in case they think im crazy . The bit when it says are the feelings comming from me or someone else is exsactly what i go through . Wow . There are others who feel this . For a long time i thought i was psycic , but that didnt seem right . I can feel what people close to me feel even when they are not around or i havnt seen them in a while , my brother right had just broken up with a horrible girl who was treating him very badly , i hadnt spoken to him for months but that night i couldnt get my mind of him and i was feeling so down for no reason and the next day i got the call from my mum that he had moved back home . When my dearest friend had a terrible acident i had the most terrible pain in my cheast and i knew it was from her and she was just taken to hospital . ... I just know what people are feeling . Thanks for this , it has given me a lot to think about xx