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Turning on each other

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#1 Sep 5 - 7PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Turning on each other

I've been on this board for about eight or nine months and I have seen some drama here and there. It usually starts when we start turning on each other. Let's keep this a safe place please.

We have all been through a very painful experience. Some of the things said here might very well trigger hurt feelings.

None of us are licensed professionals in psychotherapy, and I've seen people get into serious wars on this board when one person tells another what he or she should be doing.

Let's please be cognizant of the fact that we are all in different stages of healing. I think back to how I was when I joined the board. Still in shock, crying everyday, feeling like a used piece of toilet paper. I literally felt worthless and I was hypersensitive to any criticism.

There is a wonderful opportunity for healing here as long as we support each other.

I am responding here to some recent comments I've been reading about a separate venting section. I can understand that another category may be a good idea, but I can see how it may be difficult to manage. Venting is a big part of the success of this board.

I can propose a separate section for those who only wish to read inspirational thoughts and healing techniques etc . . . So if the message board is too triggering, and for some of us, it is . . we can still have a way to participate on the board.

There are high emotions on this board, so lets be patient with each other. The success of this board is based on the fact that most of us here are very articulate, smart, extremely kind and empathic ladies. We have been hurt and yes, we are angry! VERY angry! It just makes me sad when we turn that anger on each other. Let's keep it directed at the N's in our lives.

Sep 6 - 11AM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

With agreeing

With agreeing with Goldie about a possible separate post for venting I never meant to shun any new or old members. I never meant to turn that anger on anyone. I am very sorry if it was ever taken that way. I don't think Goldie meant anyone harm either. I agree that we all need to vent but I come here for guidance and understanding so I can become the strong woman i once was. And vent about what's happened to me but for others to help me to move on. since that posting Betty and Lisa have put it all in perspective...how we have to want to help ourselves and others to be able to move on and heal what's been done to us. We come here for answers to our questions. We come here for someone to listen to us. We come here for understanding. If I get pissed off thinking about some of the things the N said or did to me I literally stand in the middle of my living room and shout my lungs out! I swear like a truck driver and tell him everything I want to say and never did or will. Then I smile thru tears. It feels amazing!
Sep 6 - 10AM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Just to clarify

In my plea to not attack each other, I never mention any particular member. I would never do that and any assumption that I am alluding to any particular member is most likely inaccurate ;) All I am saying above is please, lets keep the peace and not tell people what they should or should not be doing to heal. No one here is a licensed psychotherapist. We are all here for the same reasons. Let's remember that we are here to support each other and not hurt each other. We are always free to read whatever we choose to read. If we turn this into a place where we attack each other, new members (and regulars) will be turned off. I've seen it happen here and it's ugly and sad. Please do not let this happen again.
Sep 5 - 9PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

As of now there will be no

As of now there will be no changes to the structure of the board but i will discuss this issue with Lisa. We should never disrespect another member or create further injury to them in any way by negative comments. This will never be tolerated by Lisa nor myself. I do not feel that this was the intent on the original post by Goldie. She has been one of our greatest supporters and has a lot of wisdom to share. So I hope that is not what our members took this as. I believe she saw this as a means to better navigate through different topics if it were broken down. I can see her point. The problem i see with this is that this opens the door for the newcomer to the "take what you want and leave the rest" mentality. Although that may work for some support groups it is not effective with us. We need to to see it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. The seed can never be planted if it doesn't reach the soil. Our posts are the seeds, we are the soil. This is where it all begins. If we separate topics such as venting and life in recovery there will be those that stay in one section far longer than they should b/c they never look at the other section. Lets face it we do get stuck on issues, its part of our illness. But seeing a variety of post about both opens one mind to explore new ideas about moving forward in the recovery process... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 6 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
gigi9
gigi9's picture

I actually am a licensed

I actually am a licensed counselor and just want to add my two sense in (for what it is worth:). Venting and storytelling is a phase in the recovery process not to be diminished in importance and not to be compartmentalized out as simply "venting" versus "life in recovery." It is a part of "life in recovery." And recovery is not linear. I was completley blindsided by my N and myself being a professional counselor not only did not see just how destructive an N could be, I did not even recognize the signs! I stayed stuck for a looong time and when I finally did vent/tell my story, when I finally did tap into my anger, when I finally did stop defending him to so many in my life, when I finally did vent and vent and vent and vent some more....I moved on to NC and stayed there 3 months so far. I sometimes still have to vent, to be validated as cognitive dissonance is a nasty friend to me at times. Again...recovery is not linear and while I am further ahead in my recovery with greater tools at hand....the main reason I am here is because I read all of your stories, heard all of your venting, was validated by so many of you and then I said...."Oh My G-d I am not crazy and I am not the only one who has experienced this. I am not alone." To suggest that venting is not recovery is dangerous. It is very much a part of the recovery process. And believe me......if I was stuck and am now unglued...there is hope for those who are out there still "venting" in their recovery phase.
Sep 7 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

You are correct that it is a

You are correct that it is a part of the process of recovery. Breaking this process down in different segments on the board is what was suggested. I apologize if anyone misunderstood that comment. It was in no way suggesting that venting is not a part of recovery. I do not feel that breaking up sub topics would be beneficial with all of the newcomers, but if this is what our members would like to see happens it is worth putting it out on the table for consideration. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 5 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Drama is everywhere in the

Drama is everywhere in the world and especially on the Net. Its best we hash it out and move on. I would never want this board to be a place that we cannot openly share ideas and feelings. We were shunted in our abusive relationships and this is why this board was created. So we could finally have a voice. Sometimes things get misinterpreted and lost in translation. It happens especially when you are communicating via text verses verbal conversation. So lets be mindful of this and try to not be critical of something that may be misread. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 5 - 8PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

different areas

I think this a terrible idea. We go low and high and in between and we need to be in one place. Do we need to impose on each other the added burden of trying to figure out which forum we belong on? Many of us are or have been suicidal, for Christ's sake. Shall we ask a suicidal person do figure out which forum she belongs on?
Sep 6 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
apple
apple's picture

When I found this site...

You might as well have put me in the too far gone bin. lololololo's I just want to say THANK YOU to each and every one of you. I don't know how I could have survived without you all. Your support has meant everything to me. I am three weeks NC now and everyday is still a painful struggle. But I don't believe that it could have been possible with out reading your stories and getting your support and feedback. It's eye opening. I don't post much on other peoples stories and I do feel guilty for that. I just feel how much support can I really offer when I am still in the danger phase of feeling week? My therapist does not let me vent and she says that I have to start taking some accountability for my part in what has happened. While I understand that I have found much strenth in sharing my story with you all and getting your feedback in the fact that I am not crazy. Anyways, thanks to all. You have really helped me and I just hope that you know. xxA
Sep 7 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

The best thing

You can do now is take care of you, and get centered and distanced from your former situation. When you feel stronger you can post to help other people if it feels right. We all help each other up the ladder. BTW my therapist curbed my venting after a few sessions as well. She'd let me do some but then she'd gently tell me "okay, this isn't *his* therapy session, this is yours so let's talk about you now!" It was kind of cool how she did it because she let me go for a bit then pointed to that and said "okay, can you see how you're living outside your own life? How he's taken over your emotional landscape so that everything is about him?" It also demonstrated how little I even knew about myself by that point. Who was I if I wasn't the one cleaning up after N messes and chaos?
Sep 5 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

That's what N's do the

That's what N's do they create chaos and drama they turn friends and family members on eachother without even being in the room or saying a word
Sep 8 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

yep,the N's do that!

Good point! They totally do that!! That's why this site i love so much,because i never feel judged,and i finally feel like i'm part of a group of girls that actually have my best interest at heart,AND my N can't get a hold of any of you and convince you I'm crazy......because if i'm crazy so are all of you,LOL....I love having a support that nobody but me knows about,it has saved my life and my sanity:)