Please help me.....

25 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 2 - 10AM

tigger73

Please help me.....

I don't know how else to say it, I need help. My divorce was final last week.....I filed and it went quickly because my ex N needed to move on with the new girlfriend. She is 10 yrs younger,no kids, he has had a vasectomy...what an idiot. I have done so much research into Narcissism, I know the facts, I lived with the abuse, BUT I cannot get myself to understand that it wasn't ME. And he is now just so 'in love' with this new chic. Can you all promise me he will do the same to her??? If he is truly happy with her, the very first person he has dated after 10 yrs of marriage, then it means that it was ME with the problem. Do you see what I mean??? He has ALL the symptoms of narcissism. This new love is just his next victim right?????? And she thinks he is just wonderful!!! He told me this! This is the fake self right? Yes, I know it is. I need to believe it. God these people make us crazy!!! I was doing so good before. I was doing so much better before we had some more contact......have to because of kids. Thanks for listening.

#2 Aug 3 - 1AM

frances

The cycle will continue...

Please dont waste one second on thinking your the cause. The cycle will continue with the next woman. If it makes you feel better I was the next woman and yes was 10 plus years younger. Had no idea at the time I was the OW much less what was in store for me....three horrid years of crazymaking. Funny how in the end, of course he used my younger age against me saying I was immature, not grounded, and a CHILD. I took off his masked and exposed him to friends and family. Hang in there....the cycle will no doubt continue regardless of age.

#3 Aug 2 - 9PM

Steph

Both times my N left and

Both times my N left and immediately had someone else (lined up before leaving me of course) I thought the same things as you. Will he treat her the same? Was it me? He dumped both those girls too. And he will continue this cycle his whole life, as will yours, all of them will. I know that feeling. But please please please know that this is NOT about you. You said he has all the symptoms of a narcissist, well if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, IT IS! hang in there:)

#4 Aug 2 - 7PM

faithinthefuture

It hurts. I know

You have asked the question that burns in me every day! I want to know he CANT move on and truelly love someone else. And you know what... he can't. It might look like he has...but he hasn't. He's not capable of that. He's fake phony a liar a cheater and he will NEVER change. I have the fear that he will find someone who can make him happy. It's hard to believe he won't. But that's how we think not how he does. I ask myself why after giving sooo much why wasn't I enough?! It looks like he has moved on but when I think of my XN he always looked like that. But why keep all the xgf's phone numbers? Have we kept our ex bf's numbers? NO! cuz we moved on! And we will this time! It's harder to do w/a N than any other realtionship. But it wasn't and isn't about us.It's about them. I thought I was the ONLY one who made him happy. I have learned after looking back that NO ONE WILL! They are always looking for that good feeling the high of life and when it isn't there they run. That's not a realistic look at life. I want mine to be miserable and miss me and want me more than anyone else. It'll happen but only when it's good for him. Never will be about me or us. Only him. They are selfish immature 5 yr olds. i want a REAL man!

#5 Aug 2 - 6PM

Lisa E. Scott

Tigger73

Oh, he will do it to her and then again to someone else and again and again. You did NOTHING wrong. The devaluation was inevitable. They eventually need a new source of supply. It has nothing to do with you. Please understand this and know that you did dodge a bullet. You are much better off without this man. You deserve real love and now that he is onto his next victim, you are open to finding what you rightfully deserve. xoxo

#6 Aug 2 - 7PM (Reply to #20)

tigger73

I don't get it....why do

I don't get it....why do they always need a new source? Why not the source they have? Is is because all sources eventually, see I don't get that part. I understand that I became a bad source of supply because I called him out on his behaviour. Bad, Bad girl. But, is there anyone out there that stays the same source? This confuses me.......

#7 Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

happydaysahead

That's it exactly.....

We are starting to figure them out. New sources have NO clue. The N's can start the game all over with a clean slate with them. I do not believe anyone stays the same source for a lifetime. Cuz eventually, we all see that what they are doing is not right. I know some have been together for a long time, but I am betting that if you ask them now, they will say that they say certain things but chose to ignore. I know for myself, looking back now, I see TONS of stuff that should have made me run, but nope, I stayed and hoped for the best. I was only with mine for 6 years, thank God !! Bless all of you that have spent 10+ years with yours.

#8 Aug 2 - 6PM

Janet

She will get devalued and

She will get devalued and discarded, and hopefully by that time you will have recovered from the wounds from this N/P. My N also is now living with a new gf. I do know, deep down, that even though he is trying to be the "nice, fun guy" he wants to be - he is not that guy. And this new girl will now make him that way. It is an N's hope that the new "perfect person" (idealization phase) will allow them to be what they show the world. When they are still themselves, they blame and devalue the new person (this phase can go on a long time). From the outside they might seem happy (from photos he and I looked happy) we were not! Eventually either he or she will jump ship. YOU are hurt (a sign you have feelings :)! You tried to make it work. He is mentally ill, there is no making it work. It is so painful to be "replaced" as we were. A caring, feeling person does not do that. It will take time. It was not your fault! She WILL get a similar treatment. (not that we wish that on another person) it is just a fact. Peace. J

Peace. J

#9 Aug 2 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

tigger73

You know what? Sometimes

You know what? Sometimes all it takes is ONE SENTENCE to get me to understand this illness and know that it wasn't me!! And what you said......"this new perfect person will help him be what he "shows" the world......THIS IS IT!!!!! O.k. so this is it.... this new perfect person has not seen his true self, so she is still REELING from the awesomness of him and his fake self, and the false self will emerge...... Does it always emerge? Even though I wish no human any ill, I pray it does, because that will be the deciding factor that it really was not me. It really is sad, and sometimes I am so sad of what he really is. That must be terrible.

#10 Aug 2 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

wholeagain

Tigger

Sooner or later, he'll show his colors, the mask will slip. How long it will take her to see or acknowledge it is another story, but the facade will crack, you know it will. When you look back on your own experience it probably happened sooner than you thought.

#11 Aug 3 - 12AM (Reply to #18)

Janet

Exactly what Wholeagain

Exactly what Wholeagain said. His true self is terrible and it is sad. But there is NOTHING you can do to fix him and there is NOTHING she can do to fix him and same for all the future victims. It hurts, I know, all too well, but it will get better for you. Peace. J

Peace. J

#12 Aug 2 - 5PM

Susan32

Dodging a bullet

My ex-Psychopath professor dumped me for the curator girlfriend who was a decade my senior from LA (so yes, my junior year when he talked about going to LA for Thanksgiving was a partial truth) He claimed he had "happened to run into her in town"--but c'mon, how many people move in suddenly with someone they just met?? He had been having a long-distance relationship with her. When I found out a year after the D&D that they had gotten married and had kids (twins),it felt like a punch in the gut. He had gone from BEGGING me to have lunch with him--to publicly shaming me, then replacing me... with a woman who looked very much like me. What's weird was when I first saw my ex-P and the OW,they acted more like siblings than a couple in love. He isolated her from everyone else. She didn't smile when she was with him (but she cracked a smile when she introduced herself to me) He bolted out of the concert hall as she and I were talking, and she had to RUN to catch up with him. My ex-P referred to her in a businesslike way, by her surname, so cold it chilled MY bones. I thought,"If you want to make me jealous, P, make out with her, act like you're passionately in love! You've got it, you've won, flaunt it!" I was expecting high school behavior. They could've been mistaken for siblings. At the time, YES I was jealous. The curator had gotten the handsome philosopher. Not I. She had enjoyed his intimacies, she had borne his children. Then I realized how he treated ME... and that would've been a marriage made in Hell.

#13 Aug 2 - 5PM

tigger73

There are days when I

There are days when I believe this message board has saved me, and my precious kids from reliving the hell. I get myself in such a state of "trying to figure it out in my brain" just what the hell happened for the last 10 years. What the hell happened, and how in the hell did I survive? And what was o.k. with ANY of it, and...... WHY? I need to get over the girlfriend part.I know why this man is this way. His mother was a N, his father was an abusive N and the mother catered to all of the fathers needs, come hell or high water, or kids or anything......he came first. His mother has told me before that "she never liked babies, she only started liking them when they could start talking and sharing like when they were in their teens". WHAT?? WHO SAYS THIS?? Oh, I know, a NARC. Can you imagine? And dont you see it clearly......when her kids were in their teens, she could impose her beliefs on them and they would mirror her, and SHE taught them about sex, meaning she TALKED to her teen boys about intimate sex stuff and wanted to know about their sex lives!!! His father was an absolute abuser and my ex NH was with this monster all the time, as a little boy, abused.......oh this could get so long. Whatever.. All of your support on this board, all the responses, I cannot tell you what they mean to me. This morning, I was so down, after a few replys, I was able to pack the kids up and away we went swimming with other moms and kids. AND then I came home and cleaned up around the house and will make a nice supper. if I hadn't had the support from this message board, I would have had no strength at all to motivate myself to do anything. God bless you all. Your words are all correct. There are still things I have to even ask my Dad...."Dad, is this normal,? " and then i'll explain a behavior and he just looks at me dumbfounded. Do any of you go thru that, wondering what normal is??? I have to say, here this idiot has moved on and I am so scared of men right now and not trusting, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let my guard down again. Thank you all so much again for helping me have a good day, and I'm sure my kids would thank you too. :)

#14 Aug 2 - 1PM

Briseis

You might not firmly

You might not firmly understand what NPD is. Once you do, it will be OBVIOUS it is not you, and never was. It will be obvious that his new victim will suffer as bad or worse than you ever did, and you will want to pray for her soul :( NPD is a mental disorder that is lifelong, chronic, and incurable. Normal people who have intimate contact with NPDs end up with significant personal wounds, depression, and problems with self esteem and confidence. Do you still doubt, somewhere deep in there, that he is not a disturbed person? Maybe you still don't trust your own conclusions (extremely NORMAL after a relationship with a Narc). I think it will "hit" you, soon. The humiliation of being "left" and "replaced" is powerfully hard :( . I think this "rejection" is messing with your ability to understand that you missed a bullet to the head. It really was not you ((((((hugs)))))))). Of all people on Planet Earth, a Narc is not a person you should listen to, as far as your self worth LOL. He is so disturbed he cannot find his ass with both hands and a flashlight, psychologically speaking. He is a four year old in an adult body. He is barely human. And he can't help it. He is broken and destroyed, long before you met and married him. Now is the time to give yourself permission to DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. Yes, even if you are afraid you are wrong. Who cares if you might be wrong? No one is always right. It's just life. Decide for yourself. You dodged a bullet. Your new life is opening up before you. You are free :)

#15 Aug 2 - 1PM

almostlydia

All the above plus, don't

All the above plus, don't forget the act they put on for us in the beginning. We all fell for it too. She will find out soon enough. I promise.

almostlydia

#16 Aug 2 - 11AM

awayfromhim

May be in a different time

May be in a different time frame or in a different manner, but an N cannot change. Period. She will get what you got. Funny, the N I was with got the first GF out of the gate who was 10 years younger and had no kids too. And he also had a vasectomy. He told his own children how glad he was that she had no kids. Less competition, you see. He also told me that he had found his soul mate. Yeah, he had told me that same thing 30 years ago when I married him. And that she thought he was great and look what I was missing. Of course he is going to tell you these kind of things, he's an N. You think he's going to meet her and say "I was a real shit and treated my family like garbage" and "well, good, you're my next victim and I think you'd be perfect for me to manipulate, so let's go!!" With the kids and the contact, what are you doing with that? I have 3 kids, although 2 are adults and 1 is 16, but I keep any communication to email and have had no contact with him at all since the end of April. Perhaps there are ways if you have to have contact, to minimize the effects of it.

#17 Aug 2 - 11AM

wholeagain

Of course

he has to keep his image all polished up and looking good and of course he'll tell you that he's in nirvana. That doesn't mean he is though, or that she is. You know what they say here about narcs...if their lips are moving they're lying. Don't believe the polished up image, remember what's underneath that and be glad that you aren't being used to make him look good anymore. Now you're free to be your own unique person. I do understand how hard this is though.

#18 Aug 2 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Used

wholeagain

he is a pathetic liar, me and n were friends and only friends, i recently found out he told his ex and mother of his children ,we were in a relationship, and if she had been the woman to him that i was [lying tripehound] they would still be together, he seems to forget he told me the reason he didnt see ex and children, she dumped him big time after, lets just say a very sick incident.dont believe a word this tosser is saYING, AND ONE DAY HE WILL BE SAYING THE SAME TO HER. there aint nothing polished about this man, who is without substance.

#19 Aug 2 - 10AM

herlatestvictim

It's not you!

Truth be told, it's not you, it's him. He would have done what he did to you, to someone else. He WILL do it to her too. It's just a matter of time. They are verbal and emotional abusers with a thirst for power and control that cannot be quenched. Why do you think he told you that his new chic thinks he's wonderful? TO HURT YOU. To show that he still has power and control over you. I know how hard this is. It's hard to let go of someone you love. It's so painful to know that you are not loved anymore and that someone else is feeling the joy you once felt. BUT she will feel the pain as well. She won't know what hit her, just like you didn't. Try to move forward and not look back. That's what I do. I has a tearful weekend, probably a tearful day, but I know that looking back and replaying the past won't change anything. I just have to look forward and remember that there is true love and friendship out there for me (and you). There is a such thing as a relationship without mind games. Hang in there.

#20 Aug 2 - 10AM

Happy1

tigger73

I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I know divorce is a very hard thing to go through and it's been only a week. Your Ex-N is trying to get to you by saying how crazy that woman is about him. Please don't listen to his words. Remember how they lie. They think they are soooo wonderful and they aren't. They can only act nice for so long. Remember that. It's a huge act and I think it's draining on them. They can't put up the facade for too long. He will treat her as he did you if not worse. I've read they get worse each time around. I hope you feel better as the day goes on. You're very lucky to be out of this relationship and need to go out and celebrate your freedom. Hugs!

#21 Aug 2 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

happydaysahead

Shit..................

If it's true that the next one gets treated worse, then she is in for a whole lotta crap !! HAHAHA but it makes me laugh cuz she came right into my house and took him from under my nose. So she can have him and I hope they both live miserably ever after. I have NO sympathy for her and I never will. Does that make me an evil bitch ??

#22 Aug 2 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

tigger73

Yep, and you deserve to be a

Yep, and you deserve to be a bitch. My ex N husband and I built our dreamhome LAST SUMMER. $330,000 dream home. Yep, and 6 weeks after we moved in, i get a call from an escort service in the middle of the night. That was it. I always said, if he cheated, I'd be done. The physical, emotional, verbal everything abuse wasn't enough. So, i left, and took the kids. They are happier than ever. They DO NOT miss him. So, 2 weeks before we even moved out, he had a girlfriend, who is NOW moved into my NEW HOME. Our divorce was final last week, I moved out the first of June, this summer! She is in MY KITCHEN, MY BEDROOM, Do I feel bitchy? Yep, and I deserve to be. He is a .........o.k. I feel too much anger right now and alot of bad words are going to start coming.......I have no sympathy for her. And i never will. And if that makes us bitches, than so be it.

#23 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

RandomGal

What sort of a woman is she

What sort of a woman is she to move in so soon anyway, to a house with nothing of her in it? Does she know who she really is? To have given up her own space and her identity for a man she barely knows she must have confidence and self esteem issues of her own. Tigger you are the strong one, you left and where you are living now, that's your home! It may not be your dream home but it's yours and your kids and nothing to do with him. Its a home where you are never going to have to walk on eggshells in or one you are never going to have to run from late at night, you are never going to have to sleep outside or hide again!!I know where I would rather be!! Me and my kids were evicted from our home because ex husband refused to work, so there was no point taking him to court to pay half the mortgage. When I moved into my new house I knew he had never touched any of it or seen any of it, for a while he didn't even know where it was..... Sure as eggs is eggs lovie he is abusing her already, he may have even hit her a few times, but he ain't gonna tell you that............ Stay strong x

#24 Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

malloryforest

know what you feel

Know what you feel about your ex and gf living in your house. Went through the same thing. My ex cheated on me right after my child was born. Six months later, he drove the kids and I to another state to be near my parents. I couldn't raise the kids alone, and he was no where around to help. Same weekend he drove his family across country, his gf moved into my house. They can have each other and the house. They are terribly pathetic and the house is in foreclosure. Both were fired from their jobs due to their affair. Kids and I have a happy new life. You don't have to have any sympathy for her. She is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior. You don't have to have anything to do with her. Ever. Gf is not worth our energy. Ex Ns are not worth our energy. I am putting into myself and the kids. We deserve our own energy.

#25 Aug 2 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

happydaysahead

Thanks tigger73

Feel much better to know that I am not the only BITCH on the forum. :) And your story really stinks. Sorry to hear about your house and HER now being in it. I cannot even begin to imagine !! :(

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