How Do You Deal With This?

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 20 - 4PM

hitandrun

How Do You Deal With This?

Would like to know how y'all deal with this one particular issue. It's THE issue.

Read, go to the therapist, take meds, post on the board, cry your eyes out, journal, change your thoughts, tell yourself the truth BUT I still cannot seem to get past that he NEVER LOVED ME AT ALL.

He hid all his behavior. I guess I was very lucky he erased me and we didn't get married. I still cannot come to terms that he NEVER LOVED ME.

What do you all do?

#2 Jun 21 - 3AM

Steph

That's the hardest part

accepting they never loved you. I look back on so many "fun" memories and laughter and sweet words and it just baffles me that it meant nothing. they just carry on immediately with the next....like you never existed. Worst kind of rejection ever. I guess the only way to deal with that is to learn as much as you can about narcissism and whatever other personality disorders and talking with people that have been through it. I don't know. lol. I'm still working on that one myself.

#3 Jun 20 - 8PM

Lisa E. Scott

How to deal

How to deal with the fact that he never loved me? This is so hard, especially because it seemed real to us. We experienced/felt love and thought it was reciprocated. When you find out it's an act, it is crushing. I actually feel sorry for them. They cannot experience love, which is just tragic if you ask me. Love is the most rewarding and productive emotion we have. To live without being able to experience it would be hell. They are dead inside and as many have said, they are not happy people. They may have hurt us terribly and we may not be ready to trust anyone for a long time, but one thing they cannot take away from us is our ability to feel love for others. They can't even feel love for their own children. We have the ability to feel love and joy. They only feel fear and rage - the two primal survival of the fittest instincts....nothing more.

#4 Jun 20 - 7PM

enoughalready

dealt

For a long time, I thought the same thing. I knew I loved him w/ all my heart. I sacrificed a lot of my time, accepted his verbal abuse, did everything to comfort him when he was sick etc. No one ever wants to think you loved someone all for nothing. It's weird to think we loved a "thing", "non-human", that's something I had a hard comprehending. But, as my mind clears, my feelings grow numb, my heart hardens- I see how his mask slowly peeled off of his face. The impatience, verbal abuse, degrading and devaluing, demeaning,uncaring, non-compassionate, unloving behavior became more apparent. The 15 mins supposedly "love session" per week was not worth the daily mental and emotional abuse. At first- I thought I found true love. In the end- I found the devil.

#5 Jun 20 - 5PM

betty2020

If i loved someone even one

If i loved someone even one ounce at any point in my relationship; I could never: Put their life in danger Cheat on them lie to them hit them verbally abuse them devalue their entire existence turn everyone against them destroy their world destroy the children s world steel from them have no regard for fucking them over OR...make attempts to repeat all of the above in a second if given a second,third,forth opportunity That just not love regardless of what personality disorder they might have. Its just not. I keep my list handy when i start to doubt. HUGS

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#6 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

hitandrun

Agreed betty2020

I am the same way. If I ever loved anyone, even a little bit, I would not treat them like trash. If I was an a$$, I'd sincerely apologize. Hell, I am still friends with the majority of my ex-boyfriends. Love changes, and so do relationships and you move on. But you don't treat someone like a piece of garbage. I think I will print out your list...it's a good reminder of the truth. Real people do not act like this. As Barbara would say: NOT HUMAN! Much love to you .

#7 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

happydaysahead

Yes, but.........

That is the one thing they are good at-apologizing !! Filling our heads with more bullshit, giving us one ounce of hope and why ?? They could care less, guess it's just the thrill for them knowing that they got us. After every D&D, mine would come back and say "I know you have unconditional love for me" and yes, me being human I did, but what did I get back ?? SQUAT !!

#8 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

betty2020

If there is one and only one

If there is one and only one thing i have learned in this experience with my ex N. WORDS MEAN NOTHING! ONLY ACTIONS. And every action my EX N took proved to me over and over this was/is not love. I can tell you that i dont even have the capacity to do what he did to my enemy let alone someone i love.... YES They are NOT HUMAN!

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#9 Jun 20 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

betty2020

n

There is something that stands out when i read the post here. I think back to a comment that my EX N said when we started dating. "Im a bit of a bad boy, and you have to be accepting of that". What he was really saying was, "Im going to do what ever I want, Screw you in the ass and leave you for dead if i feel like it because i am entitled to do so". He would play the game in front of the family and certain people that he was an honest, devoted, loving human but if he didn't feel like it or it didn't suit him, forget it. This is the part that confused me the most. Never knowing if we were on or if we were off. The moods shift with the wind. I think they are impulsive because they live in fantasy so much. they are always playing out the next job, next lover, next sexual encounter ect... Everyone has fantasy's but they will make them reality within a split second if they choose. With no regards to the recourse it may cause. Mine would jump on a young hooker in a second if i had my back turned. Eventually he just decided he didnt want to have to hide anymore. Made me a beautiful steak dinner and gave me a dozen gorgeous red roses for my birthday, had great sex that night. The next morning he met his hooker with No regard to me. Love it how they can mix it up just to throw us off mentally. I left him that day and never returned. He truly believed he was entitled to do anything he wanted and i would have to be subservient to him.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#10 Jun 20 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

hitandrun

One thing I really don't understand

Why did he go to all the trouble to announce our engagement, involve me with his family, ask my Dad's permission to marry me, AND give me a beautiful custom ring? Why all of that? Guess I need to remember some ladies actually GOT married, so it is entirely possible for them to keep up the act for long periods of time. My dirty little secret is there is a part of me that still wishes it wasn't true, that he isn't disorderd and he'll come back. I need to get that OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

#11 Jun 20 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

lili124

none

I was also engaged and he spent around 17,000 on a Tacori ring for me. Not sure if you know what that is. I knew something was wrong but just kept thinking it was me. He always said I was the one not wanting to commit. Come to find out he was internet dating probably the whole time and also left an e mail opened one day on my computer to two different women all the time he was involved with me. I confronted him and of course he denied and said it was a long time ago. Things continued until I could take the lying and cheating no more and broke the engagement. I still hate to say I miss our friendship but God can heal our hearts and he is doing that in my life. Just be strong we will all arrive there one day. I have so much peace and joy today. I have no plans to date for awhile as I am doing some inner work on myself. Thanks for your post.

#12 Jun 20 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

neveragain5

hitandrun

I asked myself the same question over and over. None of his actions were adding up. He was acting like the players that I had dated that only wanted sex, yet he was talking about marriage and babies from day one. He actually was the one that wanted to meet my parents. It's so confusing and hurtful when you realize that it was all a game and you were the pawn.

#13 Jun 20 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

AnotherPath

because they live in the

because they live in the now. They have no understanding of what commitment means. They do things now, they're impulsive. Lets get married, lets have babies, lets buy a house, but they don't stop to think what this means, they have no future goals. part of me that still wishes it wasn't true, that he isn't disorderd and he'll come back. I need to get that OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! Don't worry you will one day and you'll be either thinking just piss off and leave me alone or God did I really like that twat. Deprogramming just takes time.

Ending the dance

#14 Jun 20 - 5PM

AnotherPath

hitandrun

I think the thing to try and do is not take it personally. No, he didn't love you. He has NEVER loved anyone ever, and he never will. He has no understanding of love. It's not about you it's about his incapacity to love full stop. All the woman on this board have NEVER been loved by the narc. Once I got my head around this I also came to realise that I honestly never loved him. I realised the 8 years were fake and got real to the fact that 7 out of the 8 were abusive. I never loved him because I don't know who the hell he is. I got this from going to court many times, his lies, his deceit, his appalling behaviour his manipulation just left me with "I actually don't know you". Now, I'm fine with the fact that I never loved him, because none of it was real. I also don't remember nice fun times either, it's not because I try not to, it's just I see it as all false so it means nothing, just like him.

Ending the dance

#15 Jun 21 - 4AM (Reply to #8)

Steph

AnotherPath

"I think the thing to try and do is not take it personally. No, he didn't love you. He has NEVER loved anyone ever, and he never will. He has no understanding of love. It's not about you it's about his incapacity to love full stop." I love how you articulate things! I am adding this to my list of things to read to myself when I have a low moment. Very helpful:)

#16 Jun 20 - 5PM

Introspection

Letting go of the past...

We all have different coping strategies sweetheart...what works for you on the days that you are feeling well? What are the things that you do to get you there. Getting over the fact that they never loved us is part of deprogramming. Would it help you better cope if somehow you believed that he at one point LOVED you? I don't think it would Hitandrun. Think of it in terms of today, does he love you? NO, he is not with you. He seduced you and created this fantasy to lure you in. He could care less about the pain you feel right now, he is too busy "working" on his next project. You may think that he is "happy." He is not, I can tell you this because I still interact with my XN and he is NOT happy and he never will be because he is empty. I see him daily and it was like we never even knew each other in the past. Weird but true, he moved on and it works for me...I'm no longer his target. I think the reason why your XN is no longer playing mind games with you is because you went NC so he thinks that he does not have the ability to affect you. You are too much work and he does not like to have to work that hard; what for, there are other "ignorant" participants...easy prey. I know this is the case with my XN now. If you should be so lucky, your XN may spare you in the future. Remember that the only emotion they can feel is ANGER and FEAR.

#17 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

hitandrun

Letting go...

It's funny, this man will give his all to a business, but when it comes to relationships, I think it has to be easy for him. The hardest part for me is he wasn't abusive, he had family and lots of friends. He always did stuff for people. He was the nice guy. And he let it play out until the end and left me holding the bag. Why can't I accept that? Cognitive dissonance? This is from a woman who never wanted to get married before...until I met him. That is one of the reasons I am taking it so hard. I wish I hated his guts...but I don't and that pisses me off even more! Go figure. I appreciate everybody's insight. It makes me feel like I am not alone.

#18 Jun 20 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Introspection

My XN was the first love of my life...

and to date, the only! He comes across as NICE and CARING but he is full of crap. He could care less for people, it is part of the trying to "fit in." He does it well but that "white stuff on top of chicken shit is still chicken shit."

#19 Jun 21 - 4AM (Reply to #6)

Steph

LOL!

"He does it well but that "white stuff on top of chicken shit is still chicken shit." That's hilarious!!

#20 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

AnotherPath

Made me laugh so much x

Ending the dance

#21 Jun 20 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

hitandrun

Introspection...that was funny!

Will have to remember that one! The ex "whatever he was"(narc, sociopath, commitmentphobe, alcoholic, gambling addict) was full of crap,too. I have to remind myself of how he would get drunk and say over and over "I HATE PEOPLE." And his devotion to his nephew? Poor little kid must've been a constant source of supply and adoration. Chicken shit is right! xoxoxo

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