stillchained's story
stillchained's story
this is a rough draft for a paper in one of my women's sudies classes. it is my own experience and my own opinion.
warning: i have a pretty negative attitude and it is reflected. please comment, if you will. your comments will help me in my revisions. no citations in this revision (nothing but my own opinion in this part).
it is very cool that forums like this exist, i am honored to be here, christine
I flunked the entrance exam into the Abuse Survivor's, "NOW I AM AN EMPOWERED, LIFE-LOVING THRIVER, THANKS TO THE FORMER ABUSE - AND WOW, DID IT CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE I WAS SO INADEQUATE UNTIL MY ABUSER CAME ALONG TO SHOW ME HOW DEFECTIVE I WAS SO I COULD FIX IT AND BECOME STUNNING, AMAZING AND OVERJOYED WITH MY NEW LEASE ON LIFE" club.
[Insert puking sound here]
I LIKED who I was before the abuse and my life was pretty damn cool, thank you. I didn't NEED the experience and got nothing positive from it. I'm not proud to say that I was abused and I certainly don't like how the experience changed me or my life.
Nope, that club wouldn't even let me near the door.
I can say that I was victimized. I can even admit to being abused. That DIRTY F'ing word [gasp] VICTIM.
This declaration amounts to wearing the crown of SHIT when I choose to comment on the subject.
Even worse, I lived with the abuse for more than 4 years. OK, 15 years in total, with the last 4 years consisting of severe and sadistic abuse. Hell yes - that sucks. It defies logic.
I couldn't make it stop, didn't understand what was happening to me, didn't know how to handle it, couldn't figure out how to get out.
IMHO, I am no idiot, not an asshole, not a doormat, no ‘co-dependant’ (what a bullshit ideology this one is – note that ‘Codependence is NOT in the DSMV).
I was legally emancipated in court, at the age of 16. I have litigated mandatory arbitration legal cases on my own behalf and won every time (no law degree - yet). I have lobbied successfully to promote new laws and watched them come to pass.
I was successful in my career, financially well-off and...successful at anything I sunk my teeth into.
Yet, without doubt, I required 'rescuing' from the abuse situation [hangs head in obligatory shame] NOT.
When a psychopath has marked you as a target for use and slaughter- used and slaughtered is what you will be, if he doesn't slip up and tip off the con fast enough for you to catch it. In my case, he didn't. It happens.
Realizing that you have been promoted to slaughter, while at the same time noticing that you've been purposefully disarmed for the occasion, is a freaky, horrific thing.
Like watching a movie. Stuff of the worst nightmares/B-movie horror flicks. Defies articulation. It has all been planned in advance, down to the last detail, with precision.
Malice with intent. Sadly, this is the core of the pre-meditation argument that can be so difficult to prove in court...even with some rapes and murders.
IMHO, the victim's ability to self-protect/deflect or avoid, ceases to exist from the moment of the Psychopath's opening move. It's a craps shoot. The cards are in his hands.
Don't believe me? Check out Robert Hare's comments on the subject. THE expert on Psychopathy, readily admits that he has been taken more than once.
He doesn't feel like a putz as a result...he knows that it is par for the course and explains this well in “Without a Conscience.â€
Do you think that Hare ever 'looked for his part in it’ or sought out his character flaws/vulnerabilities in hopes of one day becoming impervious to being conned by a Psychopath?
HELL NO!!! He knew what he was dealing with regardless of his own characteristics.
He knew his ass was gonna get nailed to the wall innumerable and unpredictable amounts of times, for as long as he was working in direct contact with Psychopaths. Inevitable.
So how does a loser, scumbag, disordered A$$HOLE take his betters for a ride? (anyone who can feel and logically and morally think/act is a ‘better’ in my book).
EASY - the quality of HIS life depends on getting over on YOU-No brainer.
So, I have the audacity to go so far as to refuse to take responsibility for the abuse, would not ‘admit that it takes two’ nor would I ‘look for my part in it’.
Yup - sometimes, there IS only one liar and the truth does not lie somewhere in the middle. Good luck in court with that knowledge!
No, I wouldn't take antidepressants like a good little former abusee searching for a psychological diagnosis to explain my intrinsic disgust with my former oppression. DIAGNOSE THIS!
I have not and will not endeavor to seek out my vulnerability, nor 'improve myself so that I will never tolerate abuse again'.
And yes...he won. He damn well DID succeed at destroying my life with no repercussions - SO WHAT?! Sub-clinical Psychopaths excel at evading. This is typical.
There is no happy ending here. Evil and/abuse of power triumphs all the time. Take a look at history.
I'm just not one of those ‘successful' former abuse victims. Oh well.
I am 5 years out of the abuse and I live with the after-effects of that experience everyday.
From upper-middle class on my own income, to below poverty, in my late 40s with a disability but declined for SSDI (although I will soon qualify as vision impaired), no savings or retirement funds left (thanx Psychopath), no job, living off what’s left of my investments.
He not only parasited off me for 15 years and destroyed my present (at the time) but he destroyed my future (now). The effects were long-reaching.
I'm not happy...so sue me!
Don’t ever tell ME how abuse can be a catalyst for a wonderful future – highly delusional thinking in action, which, more often than not, proves to be the sensational lie that it is.
I would hope that my experience could be a warning to those still in it, wondering if they should get out. Don’t end up like me. Get out while you can, before there is nothing left of your hope for a future.
Feeling weird about his success and the illusion
Evil Often Seems To Be The Winner, But There Is Good Out There
You don't sound "hippy
Hi there, Your writing hit a
HI, I just love what you
Wow!
Your Ex Narc & The Housekeeper (Wife) - Murder Scheme
SCAM
That is very disturbing and creepy
Garage
your story