Memories keep sneaking in

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 1 - 6PM

PhoebeR

Memories keep sneaking in

As i sit here without my N husband for the holidays, i am on the verge of turning in paperwork to start the divorce process, its the first time in 11 years we have not been together. I think back to all the times he ignored me, hurt me, made me feel bad about myself. He withdrew affection from me, no sex, kissing, hugging. Weekends were hell, he would sleep with his back to me. I would reach over to hug, for some affection, only to be turned away, told he was tired, or needed to get up. He slept with a pillow between us, said it was to keep the dog, who also slept in the bed away from him. I was the dog apparently, it was a barrier against me.

Even though all this happened, i sit here worried about him. Is he going to be ok without me? I keep seeing him alone, sick, sad, no one to help him. What the Hell is wrong with me? He hurt me, he admits it. He texted me a drunken happy new year, that dork. But yet i sit here worried about him. Ugh!

#2 Jan 2 - 12PM

agnesmurphy17

Memories

Memories keep sneaking in. Well, you were with him 11 years. Of course you care about him & worry about him. It all meant something to you. One can't spend a decade with a person & not have feelings about them. However, just keep on reminding yourself that if he is indeed a N, then he is not worried about you & if you are doing well. Please, just think about yourself & don't worry about him. He's taking care of himself & doing a very good job at it. If you're not hearing from him, it's because he's got somebody taking care of him. Start that divorce. It's a New Year. Dedicate this year to rebuilding a new life where it's gonna be your turn & all about you! Go girl!

#3 Jan 2 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

PhoebeR

This is helping

Thanks so much for your comments. Your advice, love and support mean so much to me. I never thought about it, but its true, since they are emotionally a child, i cared for him like one, and leaving him is like a mother leaving a child. It all makes sense. Its going to be hard but i know what i am doing is the right thing. When i think of him being alone, i will push in thoughts and memories of the bad times, the emotional abuse. It will make it easier.

#4 Jan 2 - 11AM

Carolyn

This is the usual re-action.

This is the usual re-action. They have very low emotional intelligence and they are almost like a child so you feel, as a woman, you abandoned a child and you are wired to feel terrible about that. it is a crazy merry-go-round and most women fear being alone more than abuse so the abuse goes on for a long time making it a part of your life and the brain doesn't like change-so there you are. Your intellect is telling you that it is time to go, your brain is saying "go, why go-stay'- your maternal instinct is asking you 'what kind of woman abandons any child,' and so there you are CONFUSED. Christmas is the frosting on the confusion cake. Make a list of why you are leaving and read it everyday. think about what you want in the future and take some steps to do something new like a gym, a class, a new church etc. Something, healthy, positive, and something just for you. You were in a partnership for a long time and it is scary to step out into a new world. Once you get out there it will stop being scary and you will meet new, positive people, the body chemistry of abuse will change, your esteem will build, and you will be a different person. Take a look at the website for the book "Instant Emotional Healing" that could be a big help www.gem-systems.com. Everyone is scared when they come out of a 'comfort zone' just take it one step at a time. In 6 months you will be dancing and prancing.

#5 Jan 1 - 7PM

Qing Yuan

My Ex texted me today and it

My Ex texted me today and it really really screwed me up. Just a text that felt like a brick being thrown at my head... They have so much of our power. We gave it to them... we didn't do something so dumb on purpose, we trusted them and they took it... and used it... I feel for you honey. I feel for your rejection and for your being treated like the dog.. Keep strong, remember he is not a healthy person and keep moving forward knowing that you wont be belittled or ignored or reduced to tears by him again... He is alone but that is what he chose! You surly don't have to be and you can have meaningful relationships again.. when your ready.. just stay strong and remember he was not OK when you were with him, he will probably never be OK with or without you.. He never took your needs into account, he never made your feelings his priority. So that is his fate. You prob care because you are empathic and a good person. Why else would you have stayed with him for so long... They always choose those types of people to pimp off. They can feed like vampires of your goodness. Stay strong!!! If he falls into a pit of self pity and destroys himself at-least he is not destroying you anymore. I don't want to sound harsh. but I just think that if its true that these people are so sick and ill and cannot change that you have to start to take care of you... You need your healing to happen to live a full and happy life, the life you now deserve after so many years being punished for his stuff.. I wish you lots of luck and strength. Take care of you from now on... Peace and healing on your journey... I really do feel the depth of the hurt.. I too have to heal and thats why we all have to stay strong... xx

#6 Jan 1 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

Vix

either have the cell company BLOCK him or change your cell number. NO CONTACT ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#7 Jan 1 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Qing Yuan

NC as soon as possible!!!!!

Your totally right... I know.. I would do that for sure, but we have a child and we currently share the childcare, he has him while I am at work. Its a bloody mess frankly.. That is sadly why I am still having to deal with his foul crap.. I am working on a plan to get my son in to the local Steiner school. (It does mean learning to drive soon but well worth the cost of a intensive course) I wanted to home educate my boy but being serious, I work part time and you cant home educate with a narcissist can you. That would be mind numbingly stupid.. It would only serve to put my son in a dangerous vacuum of our toxic relationship.... A definitive NO NO.. SO the Steiner school is my middle ground (they do not have to attend school as much as kids in main stream anything form 2- 5 morning per week while under 7) I have to make every effort to get him in. It will cost loads too but what choice do I have now... ? Thats my next move really. My ex wants the vacuum situation because he wants to control him as much as me.. so it gona be a exhausting 'fight on' with him on that too, but I will win this one... I have to for my boys sake... sadly enough, a school system is actually a lot better than a messed father... bar me, leave my job as an option, I have no choice if I am gona save my son from his fathers odd ball behaviors, and I cant leave my job, right now anyway.. I hate this fact but is it a fact. In the oxytocin drugged up junk moments, he promised the perfect loving family where we would educate our future children at home and live self sufficient, growing veg and getting healthy. Instead I got sick, his ONLY input in the garden was when he wanted to 'tell' me what to plant. I paid other people to help me build stuff. He wouldn't help with the heavy stuff so I really had to embrace my masculine on that and when he did help, it was to get me to think he was changing but really I always knew by that point that he had absolutely no interests in growing food and the things he said in the beginning were total lies to make me think I had hit the jack pot.. and well I think he wants to home educate because it means' he can secure a constant family dynamic for serving his needs.. Urgh!!!! horrible... Though... I will find a way to get Peace while I have to be in contact and I will find a way to go NC. I do need to not reply though and thats the first step in moving on from his manipulating bull-pork... I wanted to reply so bad to defend myself but I know better than that and when the part of my brain that handles logic gets a look in, I feel really chuffed that I didn't reply... But I would be NC if I could I really would... nothing would make me more healthy or stable than that, I just have to be clever and get out a best I can over the next few months or so... Thanks for your message.

#8 Jan 1 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

Vix

1. make an appt to see an advocate at your local DV Crisis Center... they can help you make a safety plan and help you plan your escape with contingencies for everything 2. See a TOUGH TOUGH lawyer asap. Take a couple free consults and find out what your options are... and fight for full custody! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#9 Jan 1 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

BlueMoon

no contact

Yup, that really is the way to combat those intrusive texts or calls...change the number, don't look back. It feels weird, but it sends a clear message and protects you from flashbacks,

#10 Jan 1 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Qing Yuan

I wish I had the immediate choice...

I know, its like my Narc boyfriend before I met my husband, managed to convince me to stay his friend for months and months while he dated the girl he dumped me for!!! AND I allowed it. I even wanted it.. I look back and think, my God I could have saved myself masses of heart ache if I had gone No contact with him, I didn't even have a child with that guy, What was I thinking... I didn't know about narcissism. I had no idea he was feeding of my need for him, my hurt! He loved both of us both gagging for him. CRAZY now i know what I know. He took me for expensive nosh and he even convinced the new girlfriend that it was fine for him to be taking his ex out to dinner... CRAZY.. So I do know that its bad news not to be NC with my ex husband, because they are like angry gnarly dogs who cant ket go, still getting energy form you after you have left, but I am stuck until I sort out my childcare issues. And It sucks hard!!!! :(

#11 Jan 1 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

Memory Seepage

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts you also are suffering from Trauma Bonding http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html have you spoken to your therapist about all this? why did he call you? NO CONTACT! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#12 Jan 2 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Amazed

On their being an emotional child

Guess what,,they strive to MAKE YOU OUT TO BE AN EMOTIONAL CHILD and HELPLESS from the get go... They will sabotage you, bring you down like it is the first goal for them to accomplish in their life. The want you to be regressed, a fumbling idiot, and will create conditions for you to be so. Why? They want to prove you wrong, "an idiot" beneath them,,you could be a Doctorate,,yet,,they want to bring you down,,,why? They fear your accomplishments,,will have nothing to do with "acknowledgeing you for your strenths" because they are insecure, and INTIMIDATED by you inside. THEY COME ACROSS AS LEADERS but ultimately,,I think they are nothing of the sort. They depend on others and cling to others for all sorts of reactions to feed their ego. They are clingy,,,and not independent and leaders as I think and respect of one to be. They want others to follow them like a god,,please,, They really want you to treat them like an emotional child,,and dupe you as you are helping them,,texting another woman for dinner and stay at her house to a F date.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews