Posting here instead

Hello!

I want to post here vs break NC. I am about 2 months and 1 week NC and lately it had been a struggle. I must admit, the first 30 days of NC were exhilarating. I felt like I was moving on and feeling good that I was able to maintain NC.

Now, the reality of never associating with him is really hitting me hard. I keep wondering how he is doing, if he thinks about me, has he found another girl (more likely, YES)...etcc...I no longer wonder if he is a good for me or bad for me. I know he is my kryptonite. If I contact him, then it's like giving my head on a plate to him and saying, "please abuse me some more."

Does it hurt? YES, BIG TIME! Do I wonder will I ever feel good again? A lot of times I don't think I can ever come out of this. However, I do know that remaining in contact with him will keep me stuck forever.

I read one of Goldie's old posts, and when she said that when the CD dies down, that's when the real grieving begins. This heartbreak is so gut wrenching. I know I am not the only one going through this. I don't even wish this on my worst enemy...ok, I lied, maybe I wish this on the N, with me crushing his heart. Siggghhh...just want to get it out there 'coz I know I am amongst great friends in this site.

Thank you for reading! Now, I am off, going to take a shower and study at the coffee shop.