Stubborn

As I try to decipher through all that has happened and all that he said, I am struck by 2 things today. Two things that he said that had a ring of truth. First is something he said about himself. He never said anything negative about himself, and he was always right and justified I his mind to do whatever he did, but one time, very early on, when we were only friends, and he was trying to end the friendship he said "I never said I was a good guy". Ha.

As for me, well he called me every name in the book, and some that aren't! One thing though that he said that appears to be very true is that I am "the most stubborn person he has ever met". He said that because I wasn't leaving my husband fast enoug and wouldn't do what he wanted when he wanted it. It is true though. I am stubborn. And it is getting my way.

I have been on this board for almost a year. Everyone here has been supportive and firm with their advice to me. Obviously I should kick him to the curb, go NC and start working on myself. I feel like I need to apologize to all of you, because my resistance to this and repeated failure to follow through with NC must be so frustrating. Well I am NC for sure and for good now. But I am not happy about it. I knew it had to be done. I knew he would destroys life, but I was stubbornly holding on, hoping for a miracle. I would never be the first one to contact him, but would always cave after his repeated attempts. I know you will think this is naive to say, but he won't try any more. He has changed his phone number and email address. I know this not because I tried to contact him, but because someone told me. Yes, I told her not to speak of him to me anymore.

So now I am left feeling like I am the crazy one, and he was able to end, and I was unable to. So I feel like the crazy person. I started seeing a new therapist last week, and I believe she will be very helpful. She said though that I obviously want to hold onto this. I don't want too move on. I don't want to get better! She said that, and that seems to be true.

But why? Why am I doing this to myself? A very small part of me deep inside is begging me to stop this, but I won't listen. Does anyone have any insight? Have you come accross anyone as resistant as me??