Missing the Craziness

Its at this stage when I have to pull on those big girl hold it all ins..

Last time it took a month to get to this stage, this time a few days..

I am going to hold my head up above water and be accountable by saying I miss the craziness, the excitement, the mind games, the one upmanship.

It made me feel exciting, I had a worth, someone was spending time on me..

After much advice from the lovely people on here I know where these issues come from, I am trying to feel the fear of the void hoping I will learn something good spiritually about myself. And that out of the other side comes a better person. And I am saving up for prof help to deal with the non N issues which made his abuse so appealing.

Sadly the void is a vortex of vulnerability where the temptation to reach out for the drug is strong.

But I made a promise to myself..my daughters hamster escaped on my birthday night ..I have spent three days of hurtful agony seeing my daughter sobbing her heart out and hunting for the hamster before the painful realisation that she was in the wall cavity with little hope of getting out.

I am not afraid to say I prayed my heart out for this little hamster to appear, I said to god that I would really sort out my life and stop playing at it if this hamster came back. Well yesterday she came back and she is now safe. She has serious dehydration/diarhea and I rushed her to the vets, I have nursed this little hamster all night because she is so lethargic she wont go to her bottle to drink the badly needed meds.

Its a life threatening condition and I am praying she will be ok, a little hamster costing £7.50 yet who represents so much to my little girl.

My point is God heard me and now I intend to keep my end of the bargain no matter how hurtful the journey is, the world is full of powers we dont understand x