Is this normal?

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#1 Jan 8 - 6AM

Belle de jour

Is this normal?

As I qo through the healing process, a strange fear emerges; i'm afraid that if I let go of all this anger and try to forget the things the N said or done to me, I will eventually come to think of my relationship as something that simply didn't work because we were different and not because of the abuse. That in the end, I will doubt even the fact that he was a N. Does this make any sense to you at all? I am finally nc after almost a year of continual hoovering and I feel much better but sometimes I still can't believe what happened. I read a lot about the disorder, it all fits his profile but he tried really hard after our last communication to convice me that bad things happen between people, this is the truth about human relationships and I don't have to be so bitter. That he was hurt too in the past many more times than he hurt other people and that's the way things are...
I was furius and at the same time puzzled. I didn't imagine his demeaning behavior, his rages, his contradictory words. Why do I still wonder? And why do I fear of forgetting?

#2 Jan 9 - 6PM

HardToBelieve

Bad things..

Bad things occur in all relationships. But the question remains: Was he worth the risk? Was he worth the risk of going back to him and continuing where you left off? What Im saying is that you might have missed out on having a perfectly normal relationship with him... but aren't you glad you didn't take the risk? Now you can actually choose from meeting a normal man out of 6 billion people on this planet.

#3 Jan 10 - 1AM (Reply to #13)

Belle de jour

No, he wasn't worth the risk

No, he wasn't worth the risk at all. Although I had strong feelings for him, something wasn't right. I was in a state of constant insecurity and doubt and I'm not an envious or possesive person. I thought I could change that but even in the moments (few I must admit) where everything was running smoothly he would find a reason to fight or he would say or do something hurtfull and I would try to understand why he did that, trying to compromise his words with his actions. This would never end and if I had put up with this behavior and we had been still together, I would have completely lost myself and any ability of clear judgement.

#4 Jan 9 - 12PM

under his thumb

anger

"I didn't imagine his demeaning behavior, his rages, his contradictory words. Why do I still wonder? And why do I fear of forgetting?" i am right there with you! i feel like as long as i am angry i am able to move forward. when i think about things of the past, i start to question the way i "viewed" them. was it really that bad? was he really that mean? it certainly doesn't help when our/his "friends" cannot figure out how we got here. they all think things were okay, knew he was a jerk but assume i should put up with it for the kids...or at the very least give him another opportunity to prove that he has changed. i do not trust him! had been telling him for years things had to change, that i was miserable. i unfortunately gave him a few chances for us to talk last week and have been paying for it dearly since then. i need to go back NC but he had neck surgery last week and although i did not take care of him, i do feel like the kids should be able to see him. but it has lead back to the self doubt, frustration and aggrivation.

#5 Jan 9 - 4AM

faith_

I totally understand

I totally understand what you're saying Belle de jour! I've thought like this often too, I relate. And I really like the answers you've gotten here, they make a lot of sense. With something ex sent, it totally makes me think he's trying to rewrite history and mess with my brain. It all sounds so Normal, as he's saying it. But it was so Abnormal how I felt and what I felt the situation and treatment was doing to my being. I need to remember they're words, a major tool he's used to be abusive before (so why should I think these "normal" words are anything but trying to twist me again?). And if he's an expert mind f er pd, it's something to never forget. This is my challenge. I doubt myself so much sometimes (like will he be different with another...were our issues just a product of his and my personalities being together..will I get past this, etc.), and it doesn't help. I too, like you, want to be secure in the knowledge of what he really is, while also successfully getting past it. It helps me to read what you wrote, because I've thought the same thing, and seeing the answers here they describe it well. It sounds like you're really learning and processing and working at it. xx

#6 Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

Belle de jour

my thoughts exactly...thanks

my thoughts exactly...thanks for sharing this

#7 Jan 8 - 9PM

GeorgiaGirl

What I'm hearing

is that you are afraid that he's right - you are the problem and he's going to go on and have a wonderful life without you. And you will be left with nothing but regrets. This is Narc mindfucking at its best...they always, always, always want their victim to take responsibility for what happened. They refuse to accept responsibility for abusing nearly to death the women they claim to "love" most in the world. Him attempting to "become the victim" only further confirms to me that he is a raging narc. Belle, its not you...its him 100%. The longer you are NC the clearer this will become and you will see just how damaged he truly is. Are you seeing a therapist? Have you blocked phone calls/texts/emails/facebook/twitter? What can we do to support you?

#8 Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

Belle de jour

Yes, he's blocked...I

Yes, he's blocked...I wouldn't make the mistake to let him jump into my life again whenever he felt like it. I'm not seeing a therapist, I couldn't afford it. That's one good reason I wrote in this forum, plus the help I get here is invaluable. Yes, this is my fear, exactly as you wrote. When my mind is clear everything is so obvious about him. I do not doubt anything. But these moments come again and again and then I feel insecure... I'm not in love with him, no, I don't want to have anything to do with him. Why I keep having these backtracking I can't understand...it's been so long...maybe I haven't learnt to completely trust myself and my decisions. I hate to be weak like this...Yet, I've learnt so much from the women in this forum in the last couple of months that I can't fool myself anymore. You are supporting me already. You are kind, compassionate, strong...I don't feel alone

#9 Jan 9 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

GeorgiaGirl

You are doing fine

You have a whopping case of cog diss (cognitive dissonance) - otherwise known as wishy-washy brain :o) Part of you knows he is an abuser, that he hurt you terribly and that you can no longer be with him. The other part of you remembers the wonderful, loving, affectionate "love-bombing" guy you met in the beginning. Your mind can't reconcile the two images - good guy or bad guy. So you go back and forth back and forth trying to figure out which guy is the "real" one. Eventually, with education, time and healing, you will come to realize that the abuser is who he truly is and that he was an abuser when you met him. He just hid that side of himself really, really well. Cog diss is one of the HARDEST parts of this to overcome so don't be hard on yourself for not "getting it". It took me months to start to see the truth. Cog diss is the result of being emotionally abused and mindfucked. Please try to remember this during the dark, confusing times. A therapist may not be as expensive as you think. I called around via the yellow pages until I found one who worked on a sliding scale and I end up paying $25 per session out of pocket. She has been an invaluable tool in my recovery and has kept me reality based when I felt like I was losing my mind. You are not alone on this journey...there are many, many people here who are willing at a moment's notice to see you through your recovery. I'm always available by PM if you want to chat. You are moving forward already!

#10 Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Belle de jour

Thanks for believing in

Thanks for believing in me...what I seek sooo hard is validation...I'm hard on myself because after a year apart from the N and a month with no contact, I should have at least figure out he was abusive without doubting myself all the time. I don't know, maybe the time of healing is a subjective matter and depends on ones character...I'm just tired thinking every little word or gesture over and over again. I want this to end...I want to accept what happened and move on...

#11 Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

GeorgiaGirl

Validation

can only come from within...from focusing on healing yourself...from learning what lead you to the narc in the first place. I'm hard as hell on myself and a perfectionist due to a narc mother and years of FOO (family of origin) conditioning. I can beat myself up FAR MORE than Mike Tyson could on a good, sober day. Coulda, shoulda and woulda won't get you anywhere...therapy, healing and self-focus will get you EVERYWHERE!! I know the tired feeling all too well. Hang in there and don't give up. God loves you, flaws and all!

#12 Jan 8 - 10AM

Redhead1

You are allowing him to

You are allowing him to change your thoughts. You know the things he did and said. You know they were unacceptable to you. Don't let him change your reality. Yeah, some bad things happen in relationships, but people don't usally keep repeating them. They feel remorse and work on the problem. Narcs seem to think you are the only one who needs to change. Yeah, they boobooed but lets just move on until the next time and repeat this pattern again. Even if he wasnt a Narc, he was abusive and that's unacceptable to you. There are many personality disorders out there, most pd's cause drama and pain. For me, learning to trust myself and not let people gaslight me has allowed me to forgive and let the anger go. I have learned that trusting myself will prevent me from staying in abuse. Don't doubt yourself. Don't allow anyone to sway your view. If someone is trying really hard to get you to come around to their way of thinking, you can bet, it's to their advantage. Trust and love YOU! What he says does not matter.

#13 Jan 8 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Belle de jour

yes, you are right, I know

yes, you are right, I know what happened and I shouldn't do that to myself. It was a moment of weakness and it seems I have a lot of those lately...You see, a part of me needs to believe that he had something good inside him because if this isn't true, then who knows what horrible things he was doing behind my back while we were together. Only the thought of it drives me crazy...because now I know that this kind of people lie the moment they open their mouths. What if he cheated and this has jeopardised my health? How can I handle this? just the thought of it...how can anyone be so sick?

#14 Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Redhead1

It is mind boggling once you

It is mind boggling once you see how messed up they are. It is hard to believe someone you thought you knew, you never knew at all. You will get through this because you want to. Things will get better. It's hard to believe some people have no good in them, but there are plenty of them out there.

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