I know the only way someone can be diagosed with NPD is if they go and see a professsional. I know it's impossible to really diagnose based on what a second party is telling you, but I could use an unbiased opinion and possible some assurance. When my relationship ended I was dumbfounded. It went from I miss you and want to see you whenever possible to I could go a month without seeing you and be OK with it in a very short period of time. I think he had a idea of who he wanted me to be in the beginning and when he found out that I had emotional needs too and I wasn't going to make his life perfect he wanted out. He never seemed interested in my interests. He woud barely acknowledge them and then change the subject. When I tried to open up and tell him about my hopes and fears he made me feel like they weren't a big deal or they were a bother. It was wonderful until I made my needs known and then he was hot and cold for about a month. Then he shut me out. I don't know that I think he has full on NPD, but is it possible he at least has some of the tendencies or am I just fooling myself to make myself feel better?
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I realize that's not alot to go on so here's my post from the share your story forum:
I met him after finally healing from a long term relationship that ended. I was out with people I work with and he was there because he’s friends with one of my coworkers. I really wasn’t interested in him that night. I thought he was nice but a little too loud for me. We flirted a little but I didn’t think anything would come of it. A couple of weeks later I started getting messages on facebook about us all getting together again. I thought he was interested but I still didn’t see us together. After a few more flirtatious messages I started to get interested. We all met for drinks again. We talked a little, he made sure he sat by me and made sure we all had plans to have a party at my friends’ house that Saturday. He sent me a message about getting together that Friday night before the party but I said “no”. I already had plans with a friend and I didn’t want to seem too eager. We talked a lot at the party. We even stayed outside talking on my friends’ patio long after they went to bed. We made plans to get together at his house the following Wednesday. He even sent a message the next morning to say he had a good time talking to me that night. I still wasn’t sure I was attracted to him and almost cancelled, but decided to go anyway. When I got there he was so nice and attentive. He told me so many things about him and his past. He told me how he wasn’t into playing games and understood that at our age everyone came with baggage. I was starting to be really impressed with him. He told me about being engaged a few years ago and calling it off a few weeks before the wedding. I was concerned about this but I was so impressed with his honesty that I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he called it off because of a gut feeling. He said he always goes with his gut feeling. (Could that mean he calls it off when the person is no longer a good supply for his ego?) And he was married for several years and has two kids. He said he and his ex-wife just fell out of love. (???) But he was so wonderful that night and for several weeks after that I thought he must be a good and honest person. He sent me messages all of the time to let me know he was thinking about me. He would make plans for the next date before the one we were on was even over. He told me he missed me when I wasn’t around, that I made him happy, and made references to us being together in the future. I was starting to fall for him. I thought “This is it. I’m done looking”. The one thing that bothered him was when he talked about women being crazy (according to him I wasn’t crazy). I was concerned when I learned that by crazy he meant emotional. I was afraid I’d disappoint him at some point because I have my emotional moments too.
Then everything started to go downhill. We went out to a bar where he’s spent a lot of time and has a lot of friends (as in knows EVERYONE there). I was already a little nervous about meeting his friends because I’m shy. There was an incident and I snapped at him about ignoring me. I regretted it as soon as I said it. It was wrong of me and very unlike me and I told him this and apologized but it didn’t seem to matter. His attitude towards me changed after that. I was never able to relax again. I felt like I had to keep apologizing about it and was afraid if I was negative about anything he would think less of me (should have been a red flag, huh?). Even though he said everything was OK I could tell it wasn’t. He stopped saying all of the nice things and making plans in advance. If he’d cared as much as he appeared to at first we should have been able to work through it. And I did start to notice that when we went out he was very socially aggressive. Got in people faces and had to be right.
After a couple of months (with me suddenly getting in the way of things in his life where it had never been a problem before. I had always been respectful of his obligations.) I knew it was over. We would have one good day and then he’d be cold and distant. The last night I saw him I’d had enough of the guessing games. I asked him what was going on with us. He said he liked spending time with me but could go a month without seeing me and be OK and not miss me. (OUCH!!!) I got emotional and cried (of course) and he told me he didn’t need that kind of drama in his life. Because of ONE NIGHT! And after he had said something hurtful to me! He also said that at the beginning of the relationship he just wanted to see how thing went between us. This is from someone who was telling me he missed me after the first date and calling me from his vacation at the beach with his sons the weekend after the first date to talk to me and make sure we had a date the day after he got back in town. I tried to pretend it would be OK for a couple of days, but finally had to admit it was over. It was done over text message. I wanted to get together and give him a couple of his things back but he said not to worry about it. I was hoping I could say a few things to him in person and get closure but I didn’t get to. I sent him a letter (to get a few things out in the open) but he didn’t seem to get what I was saying. I’ve read and heard that one of the characteristics of narcissism is a lack of empathy. I got plenty of that. (The lack of it that is.) So now he’s out with his friends and having fun and pretending I was never part of his life. It hurts to feel like you were never really important to a person you thought really cared about you. The sad thing is that even though I don’t want him back I DESPERATELY miss the man I thought he was.
My relationship wasn’t long but it was intense and he seemed so wonderful at first. Part of me is still trying to make sense of it even thought I know there‘s no sense to be made. It’s like having emotional whiplash because things changed and went downhill over night. How can this wonderful caring person hurt me and throw me away in such a short period of time? How can he miss me and say I make him happy and a month later he wouldn’t miss me if he didn’t see me for a month. It made me feel horrible to hear that! But I’m working on healing.
I never thought about narcissism as an answer to his behavior (mainly because I didn’t know a lot about it) until a friend told me he sounded like a friend of hers who had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Then the therapist I was seeing told me that it sounded like he might have some narcissistic tendencies. I hadn’t told her what my friend had said. I started doing research after this and it all makes sense.
Sounds to me like you are answering your own question
He most likely suffered from Narc injury when you made the comment and of course they hold grudges, so there you go. He also sounds very much like a player who has no desire to settle down again or maybe he never did, this is why he left his marriage as well and cancelled his engagement.
He has the sounds of a narc, just don't know for sure, there is so little to go on here.
He also sounds like a guy who is about getting what he wants and has little interest in your needs.
What we recommend here and endorse is to get out when you see the red flags; so moving forward after you have come to terms with this situation, you want to terminate any relationship if someone is treating you badly, BEFORE you get too hooked.
This is a great time to begin to look at what it was that kept you going back long after you could see the red flags. Was he saying one thing and doing another? Did his actions not meet up with his words? Did he cause you to feel bad about yourself and therefore you thought you could fix this? Ask yourself what kept you there and journal about it and post your thoughts and feelings.
He is not relationship material, no doubts there.
God bless,
Goldie
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Hi Marigold,
I just went through something very, very similar. I read your story and my heart aches for you too. Boy they can get in deep really fast can't they? I had to have a friend come and stay with me the first night I was so traumatized. She said when I finally did get to sleep I would call out his name. How sad and pathetic is that?
I work with many of his family members and had known him but only superficially for years. From his family talking about him I knew his wife cheated on him, he'd suffered a heart attack and had to have surgery. I knew he had divorced shortly after his heart surgery and that was about 8 years ago.
I got divorced in September 2010 because my husband was unfaithful. Because of trust issues, I didn't start dating until September of 2011 a full year later and well my first boyfriend turns out to break my heart worse than my ex husband. We (new boyfriend and myself) had suffered similar heart breaks in our marriages which gave me a sense of connection with this man. Basically what I wanted to tell you was that mine had sought treatment and was originally diagnosed with bipolar but was not in therapy, just on medications. I'm telling you this because I think the diagnosis is very hard to make. There are strong similarities between narcissism, borderline personality disorder and bipolar. From what I've read on this site and others is that it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, if you are going to attempt to continue a relationship you better have a thick skin and a strong sense of self esteem (and a good therapist yourself!).
I did not know about his bipolar diagnosis until Dec 12, 2011. We were already 3 months in to a very, very intense relationship. He had just started the next "push me away cycle" when I called him out it. He was saying things like "when did we get married and nobody told me" and "feels like we hit a wall". I just told him his behavior was hurting me and he needs to figure out why and knock it off. He seemed genuinely upset that he had hurt me and wanted to stop. That's when he confessed he had been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar 2 years prior after attempting suicide. I was shocked at this confession to say the least. He then told me he had already made an appointment on his own with a new therapist to get help. That first appointment was Dec 21, 2011. Now his new therapist believes that he is depressed and suffering from narcissistic tendencies and insisted he get off all of these anti-depressant meds. This only adds to my confusion as he shared this new diagnosis with me and said he was really trying to stop treating people badly including me. I thought he really wanted me to stick it out with him and I was preparing myself to do just that. I had only just started researching narcissism when he suddenly broke up with me. At first I blamed the therapist, still do to some extent. I imagine some jerk telling him its better to ditch me now than wasting years trying to have a relationship. I think that way because my boyfriend, that I had already an emotional investment in, really was trying to treat me better and stop the roller coaster. I didn't tell him, "hey you need therapy". He did it on his own. He said this new therapist didn't pull any punches or sugar coat anything and he liked it although it made him feel like sh** after.
The break up was sudden and over something really stupid. I said I loved him. Yep, that's it.
From the beginning of our relationship HE wanted everything to go slow. From when we first slept together, to when we finally became boyfriend/girlfriend. He said He wasn't going to be ready for "love" for months, yet every once in a while he'd ask me "do you still love me?". One time I was holding him and he asked me if I wanted a big wedding or small wedding if I ever got married again? To all of this I always responded "easy cowboy". He was playing with some magic 8 ball app on his phone in the car and asked it if we were going to get married some day. He play acted frustrated when it said "ask again later". Yeah this made me feel great. He texted me a photo of Superman saying this is how I made him feel.
During the 2010 holidays right after my divorce, I had to play pretend family with my ex in laws as my ex father in law was diagnosed with cancer. This past holiday season (2011) my Superman invited me to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with him and his extended family and that "this time it wouldn't be pretend family".
Then a few weeks later I uttered the fatal phrase "I love you". He said it scared the crap out of him because he thought he was ready but turns out he's not. He was so "very, very sorry" because he has such "strong feelings" for me. That was Jan 4, 2012. Since then I have texted or called him maybe once a week. He responds, usually same day, because I told him it makes me anxious when he doesn't. One of his friends made a point of taking us out to dinner last Saturday with other couples in an attempt to get us back together. I thought it was working as the next day he wanted to take me out to an afternoon movie. It turned into two movies as neither one of us seemed to want the "date" to end. He texted me "see I can change". At the end of the last "date" he said that maybe we could go see another movie this weekend. I haven't heard from him all week. I am so depressed!! Friends keep telling me I cannot keep calling or texting him, I have to wait for him because he has to show he really is committed to the relationship this time. I miss him so much. Last weekend he told me he had been depressed and was so nervous once we were in the restaurant. I reassured him that everything was OK. He asked if I was nervous, I said no(big liar)everything was fine, try to relax. I am at a loss. I keep coming to this site hoping, just hoping I guess. I haven't found anyone on this site or any where else whose boyfriend had been seeking treatment. I have started seeing a therapist. She did the typical therapist thing of "what do you think" when I asked if I could or should continue to try and have contact with him. She said I am very anxious when I don't but then again I'm very anxious when I do and I'm waiting for his response. I guess I'm just looking for the answer I want to hear.
I was engaged at 19 and this is my first date/boyfriend since then. I feel like a stupid teenager.