Ally's update: One year NC

This month, I am one year NC. The details of my story aren't important; I’ve spent enough hours obsessing over them for three lifetimes. It’s enough to say that when I arrived on this forum last October, emotionally shell shocked, I fit right in.

I was a shadow. I hadn't slept through the night in a year. I couldn't eat. I drank vodka to fall asleep and more to chase away the bad dreams. I had two speeds: edgy and catatonic. The only thing I put any energy into was going outside to chain smoke, ruminate and cry. I was miserable.

I don’t know how I managed to drag myself to therapy, but I did. Through tears, I explained what happened, how I thought I might be crazy, how I had lost myself. I’m not sure how my therapist made sense of what I said, but she did. After an hour, she responded,

“You’re not crazy, my dear. You’re dating a narcissist.”

That was the day things started to change. The monster I was wrestling had a name: Narcissist. I became a virtual expert on Cluster B personality disorders. I practically lived on this forum. I owe so much to the giving people here: Briesis, Lisa, Goldie, Steph, Venus, Spinning, Sara-smile, Happy, SOI, Journey, Hunter…the list goes on and on. “Thank you” is so inadequate for all you’ve done.

In the early days, I would have given anything to know, “When will I be over this?!” I’ve seen a pattern in the stories here. While timelines look different, most paths have similar milestones. Here’s what the process looked like for me. Maybe it will help you.

Anger
I found out he was cheating and broke off the relationship.

Doubt
My anger started to fade and I started second-guessing. I couldn't get the OW out of my head. I wondered if she was the only one. I ruminated constantly about what had really happened, whether I had made a mistake, what he was doing, thinking, feeling...and on and on

Frustration
While I wrestled with my own emotions, he tormented me. I told him I needed space, so he pouted, pestered, tried to make me jealous, was mean...then nice...then apologetic...then mean again. This made my decision easy, but my days miserable. (My heart goes out to those of you who work with yours like I did.)

Despair
I started to realize the depth of the damage I had sustained. I faulted myself for putting up with a lot of things. Had I given him permission by tolerating it? Why did I sell myself out like that? I was lonely and needed comfort. Some days I wanted him back, some days I wanted him dead.

Exhaustion
I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t work. I cried a lot, though. I wanted to smack the next person who told me tears were "cleansing" because I was freaking tired of being sad!

Recovery
I started to examine my choices and my part in the relationship. I realized there were patterns in my life that needed breaking. I learned that I wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s abuse, but I was responsible for my response. I realized I can shape my life any way I want through the choices I make every day.

Peace
Finally! Not indifference, but peace. I don't cry about him and I don't miss him. Even when he plays his games (and he still does) it doesn't matter. I want more for myself than what he could ever offer. I am a work in process, but, I’ve never been so happy and self-assured as I am now.

For those of you still moving along the path; keep going. This process is longer than any of us would like and it’s not linear. Some days you may feel stuck, desperate, lonely, confused…don’t let it scare you. One healthy decision at a time will lead you in the right direction.

Narcissists aim to ensnare the very best. If you were targeted by one, I’m certain you are strong, smart, and kind-hearted, and fair-minded. These are the tools that will help you heal. Remember to be as forgiving, kind, and fair to yourself as you are to others.

All my love,
Ally