the SUBTLE Narcissist

The ex-Psych prof would CONSTANTLY criticize my weight (I LOST a lot due to stress)... he'd bring up his diabetic father (what gives me cognitive dissonance is what he did NOT lie about) While he packed on the pounds. After the final D&D, I told him to take up modeling or acting, so he could play a role FOR REAL and get those BIG BUCKS he wanted... and helpfully pointed out that he needed to take care of those teeth (they were massively decayed, no wonder he didn't smile) and lose some weight. Plus, I said it with a SMILE. I could've sold snow to the Inuit.

My creep was so subtle he did nothing but compliment me for 18 months. I had pretty much zero warning when he dumped me, for good! It was like being dropped out of a plane at 30,000 feet, straight to the ground. But yeah, hear you...You were likely doing your clown a huge favour by taking up with him and he did nothing but punish you for it. It would have been nice to get a few good digs in! Sorry to hear this. You were a perfect 10 and alas, he sounds like a 2.

Yesterday evening I went to the neighbor's to learn how to care for her sick cat while she is out of town. Mind you, I am a stay at home mom. I rarely go places and NEVER go w/o 4yo son. Narc does not keep him for me or take him places when he goes. I was gone for 30 mins. I sat & chatted for a bit (w the neighbor and HER mom) and had a glass of wine. When I came home N said (in his special you've done something wrong I shall punish you with snide remarks tone) "Oh THERE you are. I was beginning to wonder!" I was so infuriated I could barely speak the rest of the evening. He does this stuff all the time when I do something he disapproves of. Ugh. I wish he could see how ugly he has become to me. I look at his face and I see his soul now.

I think most of us have this sort of experience with our N. They tear our self esteem down to the point that we feel no other decent man will have us....hahaha now isnt that a joke......we are stuck with one of the worst people we could be in contact with, and for some strange reason we feel at the time they love us with our faults, we only need to work a little harder at our faults so maybe they will see the good in us. When the whole darn time its not us at fault, its them and their sickness. I know if mine had hit me, I would have found the strenght to leave long before i finally did. Over two full weeks now with NC and that is the greatest feeling that I could possibily have, I feel as if im getting my head back on straight, an it constantly isnt spinning round and round like something out of the exercoist.

To "help" you. Once mine felt he needed to point out that I used the word "like" too much. Even said ,"It's okay, just try pausing instead of inserting like where you could just pause for a second. Holy crap, I swear I couldn't talk straight for a week! UGGGGH

Even other people who live with us (my grown sons) can't *quite* grasp why I think he is such a horrible man. They are the master manipulators - treat you badly, then buy you stuff & give you tons of TLC, then treat you badly, buy you stuff...it's an endless, exhausting cycle.

I woke up today thinking about how I DID dish back at times, and feeling some guilt and wondering what if I hadn't. We know it is impossible to win with them and that we are damned if we do, damned if we don't:( When I dished back, it was mostly bc in the back of my mind, I had remembered something I had read before being with my N (I had had a narcisstic bf and did a bit of reading, nothing like I have after exN). It said you should do the same back, "mirror" them. Mind you, I was in the fog at the time, and didn't really know if I had read this about abuse or N. I didn't even think about that! I was merely on auto-pilot and in survival mode. As an aside, after I left and began educating myself, it says you should mirror the N to get rid of them and stroke his ego to keep them happy, and that is from Vaknin! So, there I was "dishing back." My N says, "You're a b!tch." Me, "You're an asshole." My N brings up his past lovers and sexual encounters. I bring up my ex, who he was jealous of. Now, I have mixed feelings. Like you (and I can tell you're a sweet person), I hate to be mean too. It goes against my core values, but my exN did respect a strong, fiery woman, and God knows he got it. See, he set that up too with various comments. In the end, what did it serve? Nothing. Part of me is glad I finally stood up after putting up with months of his sh!tty treatment. Yes, I went down fighting, my hands up and head up, but part of me wonders what if I wasn't true to myself by "stooping to his level" and what if I had done the opposite? I don't want this post to get to get too long. I just wanted to show the flip side of this. With these freaks, there really is no-win. He wants a sweet, submissive woman, but at the same time, it repels him. It's not exciting enough. How am I coming to terms with this? Well, from the moment I chose to accompany my exN/P to work, living and traveling with him 24/7 in close quarters, my days were numbered. It was a slow, drawn out d&d, and I saw it coming. He would pull away, come close; criticize, then compliment; break up, do something as if we were together... The emotional abuse was subtle and then not so subtle, verbal abuse, gaslighting. I was like a mouse. He was the snake. I scampered about at times, I remained still at others, watching my predator (you know when the mouse is breathing hard, but absolutely still?). Sometimes I was aloof, entertaining myself, giving him space. He KNEW the game he was playing, I did not. My mistake was going off with him. The outcome would have been the same no matter what I had done, whether I was hell on wheels or a sweetie pie. Lol. Seriously though, we really only do the best we can AT THAT TIME and with what knowledge we have, with these sick, manipulative freaks. That's what you did, the best you could to survive. Sure, I wonder what if I had played it differently, but I tried that too. Being sweet (or quiet or passive) didn't make him back down either. Keep on keeping on, girl! xx

They are projecting thier bad feelings about themselves on you. You are all that- you do look great for your age and they know this. By keeping you feeling bad about yourself it keeps them in control of you. You won't stray- like they do because your self esteem is dog shit. I recently was at a function where I ran into an ex boyfriend who was always normal. I am a few months shy of 50 years old. He told me- V you look fantastic. I said oh it must be the haircut- thinking if course that's impossible- my narc left me, I must be hideously skanky smelly ugly. He said no. You really look fantastic. Two weeks later- in the doctors office because I am so stressed out I think everything is wrong with me- new doctor. Looks at me. Looks at my chart says to me- you don't look a day over 35- what are you doing? My point- they are so ugly inside and out they make us really believe we are not worthy. The truth- he was never and will never be worthy of you. You are beautiful. He was just too much of a mentally ill guy to build you up like normal loving guys do. I so wanted many times to contact him and tell him he was soooo not worthy of me but guess what- they already know. That's why they chip at your self esteem. To keep you on the leash.

Nah, you don't mean that. You would never say or do to him what he did to you. NEVER compromise yourself for anyone. Hold your head high, knowing that you never treated him any other way but with love and respect. You are you, be proud of that always!

Yeah - if only they had beaten us . . . it would have been so much easier to see and to believe, for others and for ourselves. The societies we live in are so sick, and that's why we need forums like this, so someone does believe us as we finally open up our beaten souls and hearts. Scared to death, I was denied a restraining order 2 years ago with the comment from the court house clerk: And that's all???

I mean, you don't need to dish back anything to him. You just feel angry now... You are a beautiful creature, who loves people and very concerned not to hurt people around you. It is a very generous quality, you have to be proud of you and I know deep inside you are. Just because people are mean, cruel and heartless does not mean we should act the way they do. You have your values and principles in life and you live in accordance with them. Just imagine for 5 sec what would you feel after intentionally pointing out someone physical shortcome? Brrr...., I think I prefer to die rather than doing that.

Isn't it awful how they do this? Mine told me I was funny looking and most men wouldn't find me pretty. I'm a really attractive woman. It still makes me cry now though, 18 months later. He always said, "Why don't you come and sit down and watch TV like normal couples do?" I couldn't sit on his sofa because it gave me back pain. I explained this so many times but he never got the sofa changed. Plus I don't really watch TV unless it's something that really interests me. After a huge row, he tried to initiate sex. I was so cut up about the row that I asked to be left alone. He then said, "How much can you hurt me? How do you think you rejecting me like this is making me feel?" I think he consistently set me up and created scenarios so that I would be portrayed as the guilty party. I see this now. I have so much to look forward to without him. You are so right, if they had punched us, we would have walked but because psychological abuse is so unseen and hard to pin down, nobody would believe us if we cried for help. I hate this so much and I wish other women wouldn't have to suffer in this way.