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Looking for advice....

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#1 Aug 16 - 11AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Looking for advice....

Is it ever a good idea to tell someone they're a victim of a Narc?
My former Narc friend is emotionally abusing his wife. She's completely run down, her self esteem is destroyed, he tells her and everyone else how useless she is, how she can't keep the house clean, and on and on. He cheats on her. She feels like she's being driven crazy, and has made threats such as "I feel like I could stab someone" with respect to the OW.

I'm 3 weeks NC with my Narc friend, but now I see how his wife is a classic victim of his abuse.

Do I say anything to her? Can I in good conscience do nothing? I don't want to make a bad situation worse for anyone.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Aug 16 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, waking, welcome

to our excellent community of help and healing. With regard to your question I would ask myself deeply and honestly "what is my intent" in telling the wife. If you weren't formerly a friend of her N-abusive husband I would say by all means help inform the sister or at least try. But since you are a former friend of her husband, this may broach on a triangulation situation that could have a serious backlash for you and for his wife. The wife could also be suspect of your motives for telling her "how abused she is." Perhaps she doesn't see things that way. The husband (your former N-Friend) could go nutso on you for saying things about him. He could also tell his wife you are a "crazy ex," "stalker," etc. Waking up, in this case I think it is noble to want to help the disordered one's wife. But since she is involved with the cause of your reason for being on this board, I believe it would be keeping you involved with him. Just my two cents. After you examine your intent, I believe the answer will reveal itself. Hugs and good vibes for clarity from, (not) spinning. THE DISORDERED FREAK IS BACK IN THE ZOO WHERE HE BELONGS AND NOT IN MY HEAD.

spinning

Aug 16 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks, Spinning.....

I really hate to seeing someone being abused, but you bring up good points. My intent would not be to keep involved with the N, but to try and stop the suffering of another. However, I feel, as you point out, it may likely only make things more volatile than they already are. The whole situation is tragic anyway you look at it.
Aug 16 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

Waking, you are most welcome,

This is a sucky process, isn't it? Don't you wish we could just eliminate the disorder from the planet? Your intentions are noble but at this point it is wise to consider the big picture. You may get an opportunity in the future and in the meantime your posting here will help others who may have the same questions and/or situation. Good work, waking up! Seeking advice and being thoughtful is always a good thing! Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND WISHING NO ONE EVER HAD TO BECAUSE OF THESE FREAKS!!!

spinning

Aug 16 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

If she is your friend you can

If she is your friend you can try! She wont listen anyway! My Sister in Law lives with a Narc, no one gets that because he doesn't use her as a punching bag she's being abused! She Looovesss him! Hunter
Aug 16 - 11AM
repressed memory
repressed memory's picture

Be Careful

If you're equally friends with the wife as much as the N, I would say yes. If you would only be contacting her to boost her self esteem, I would say No. We can't save the world. There are just too many cases.