The note

Firstly, this is my first post (hello) and thank you to all of you for your incredible words of wisdom and support and for your endless stream of experiences that mostly seem to relate back to many of my own. Over the past six months, you have got me through many low points and I have had many Ah, HA!! moments here.

I've not posted my story, but in a nutshell I've been no contact for four months, after being discarded for about the third or fourth time. In total, it's been around four years of an on-and-off nightmare, but only recently (this time around), realised the behaviour was narcissism.

I call my N a "nice narcissist", in a sense that he was never aggressive toward me (verbally and physically), instead switching on and off. Being there one moment, chasing, "light-stalking" as he called it...(I thought it was romantic at the time) then completely silent, unresponsive and like he never existed the next. All of his ex-girlfriends have been treated the same way, one of them remains his closest friend actually who has many drug addictions and who I'm convinced is one of his main sources of supply as he "helps" her constantly. He kept us very separate, in fact, he seemed to compartmentalise every part of his life and didn't much like being out in public or socialising with his girlfriend in groups or with his other friends. I guess he has a different mask for different groups.

I guess the reason that tonight, I'm feeling particularly low, is last Friday afternoon he returned a pair of shoes to my work (an expensive, $1,500 pair I had asked him to return/send to my work four months ago via text which he didn't respond to, so in my mind, I had let them go), with a note that made my skin crawl. Basically the same old, "I wanted to say sorry for being an arsehole over and over, plus I had to return your shoes. I was lucky to ever have gone out with someone as lovely and beautiful as you etc etc. That probably works...take care, N".

I can't believe after everything, this is what he says. And dropping my shoes off at work, four months after I asked, right before the weekend. And I can't figure out why he would even include a letter like that, particularly since it said so little, and was written so flippantly (from the man who used to pen me 10 page "beautiful" letters). I think it's a bit late for that. Still, I don't understand his motive. Maybe there isn't one. After all I have read and come to understand, I guess I still don't fully understand. Maybe he is trying to clear his conscious.

If someone has even one thought about what his, I would be so grateful for it.

I have not responded.

Love to all of you who may be feeling a little low tonight.
x