Dancing With Shadows

I found this posted on another forum, and thought it was a very thought-provoking read. Therefore, I'm sharing it here. The link is at:

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t11351

Dancing with Shadows

I've been giving thought to the Dance a target generally does with the Narcissist in their life. There is the Danse Macabre, which is torturous and often pathological, of course, but there is another, similar dance that emerges in these relationships.

A theme has come to repeat itself on the forums over time. The N quite often has been a figure in the target's life who they initially saw as fearless and unafraid to live their life without borders, boundaries, or inhibitions. Targets tend to be careful, caretaker types, overly responsible and a bit invested in the 'safe' way of doing things, yet at the same time often yearning for a bit more courage, a bit more abandon, a bit more of those qualities N's struts around with like a pea****. In can be an appealing thing. Yes, part of it is attraction to certain 'types' perhaps due to genetic programming, but I think it's more than that. It's about our own hesitancy, our own fear, our own desire to let go. That 'not afraid to be' X, Y, or Z is the profile of an N, but not in an appealing way in the end.

You can attribute all those things in a Narcissist to one thing: they don't have brakes. In the pursuit of their drug of choice, supply, there are no rules that matter, no code of conduct that impedes them, and no risk too great to entertain in relieving their dissatisfaction. They tend to be adrenaline junkies as a result, always looking for the 'next thing' to fill up the gaping hole that will never go away. It appears on the surface that to an extraordinary degree they trust themselves implicitly and let very little bother them. That can be quite intoxicating to a person who perhaps is by nature very trustworthy but careful, cautious, or afraid to trust themselves or be who they are for fear of alienating someone or failing to please another.

Maybe it's worth considering that the N came to represent those qualities you wish to release or embrace in yourself. It is your shadow you are dancing with when you are dancing with the N, in all its wonder and also, perhaps too, in all its potential shame.

I think it's very important to discern what it was about the N that drew you. Part of it is FOO, but it also may be that you think you somehow saw a part of you which you have yet to embrace in your relationship with the N. You may being trying to 'fix' in him something you have wanted to fix in another or perhaps even in yourself in the past. Or you may have mistaken the fearlessness and abandon you saw for courage in the N, a courage you want to or long to have. It is not courage. It is lack of boundaries, of moral compass, a lack of concern, a lack of care for anyone but themselves. Targets don't know that in the beginning, though.

So, the contract between the target and the N is written in the target's mind as if it were a sacred, reciprocal trust because you see, that N appears to have a shadow in need of being brought to life as well. Gratitude for 'freeing' the shadow is repaid by giving the lost little person inside the N what you perceive as their missing shadow: the ability to trust in another. And good targets are always one thing above all others: trustworthy. What a great combination! You will gladfully instill in the N the trust in others he so desperately says he 'never had with anyone until now' in exchange for him so benevolently bestowing upon you the permission and courage to do what he appears to do so well: to trust yourself, throw caution to the wind, and be as fearless and adventurous as he appears to be.

It's a dance that can be exhilarating, but in the end it is only a dance with shadows, one shadow a mirage, the other merely hidden from view out of self-protection. The Mirage: He will never trust anyone else. He's lying to say he finally can or even wants to do so. That is a fact. You cannot make him do it, no matter how much you 'understand him'. His shadow is lost to his disorder. He can't embrace it. He cannot let himself be vulnerable, to need, or to love. He cannot allow himself to want that any more than he can embrace the dark elements of his shadow. He rejects it all in favor of a confabulated, false self that isn't any more real than Narcissus' reflection in the water. It will never come to life.

To think that any person has the power to awaken or accept the shadow in another is to give ourselves far too much credit and it also takes our eye off the ball, off the thing we should be looking at: our own.

I hear a lot that life is boring now that the N is gone and I wonder, what is it that anyone thinks has disappeared? It wasn't him feeling any of those things. It was you. It's inside you, waiting to be embraced. You never found it in the N. He doesn't even have it. He enjoys nothing for the long term. It was all a mirage where he's concerned. You, though, can still embrace it.

We have an opportunity on this journey, and that is the one to grow up and face that which we might have been afraid to look at in the interest of being 'good', 'correct', or 'nice' until now. At some point, I think we each realize that our focus has been off for so long that we forgot something. The answers we seek are always inside us.

We must stop looking for our light in what we give to or find in others. We have to look inside, maybe again or maybe for the first time. That takes courage, a courage the N will never have. We must, after a time, pick up a lamp and look honestly at the dark, the weak, and the negative within each of us in conjunction with the shiny, the strong, the positive, the adventurous, and the courageous. The permission to do so is what you may have thought was bestowed upon you by the N, released, awakened or even brought to life, because we're sort of programmed to think that way. It's the fairy tale story, the soulmate saga, or maybe a remnant of the now-famous words of Jerry Maguire, "You complete me."

I don't think so. Your darkness, light, weakness, and courage is not anyone else's to embrace or release. It's yours. It lies waiting for you to examine, not with fear of what you will or won't find, but with compassion and love.

Dancing with a shadow of another or hoping someone will finally give you permission to dance as your soul cries out to do will bring nothing but pain when another's shadow proves to be a mirage after all, or at the very least, disappointment over unmet expectations. We are each our own choreographers in this life. Nobody can design our dance or make our feet skip across the light fantastic. That's our job.

I hope you dance.

Lynn