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What to do

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#1 Aug 22 - 4PM
Marie
Marie's picture

What to do

Ok, have been doing well just busy getting work wrapped up before I take my last trip of the summer. Have been thinking a lot about the urge to call that we've all been talking about on here but have resisted the urge. It's been hard because his mom is very ill which has gotten me to think of the inevitable; her passing. What to do? Do you go to the wake in this circumstance? My heart says I should but my head is saying it's going to kick my a@@ if I do. It's not like we are even friends. This man decided to cut me off last August without a reason. He has since become this nasty, bitter, cold creature that makes me feel relieved I'm no longer involved with him. I can come up with reasons I should go and a thousand more why I shouldn't. He will use my absence at this event to show what a bitch I am but he calls me that anyway. And why am I the bitch? I wasn't the one that cut all contact without warning, that ran off with someone else, that played little games pretending to be friends only so they could be mean. But still I feel guilty not going, I definitely have a screw loose. I will most likely not go and if ever confronted by him say how sorry I am that I hadn't heard. It proves to me why NC is so important when dealing with these type people. They need to forever be out of you life if at all possible because the pain and craziness will always be there if they are present. So I will choose not to go like I chose not to send him a birthday card. He can see it as me being spiteful if he wants, it doesn't matter any longer. If I went he'd see it as I still care about him, then put up his defensive cold wall and make me feel like a weak piece of crap. I'm just done with it all.

Everyone enjoy what is left of the summer. I wish you all much healing, hope you can all remain strong, and free of pain.

Aug 24 - 7AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Marie

It's the guilt thing, because you are a good person and good people go to wakes and such. But maybe, just a suggestion, say a prayer for her and leave it at that. You will feel like you did something nice that is you yet not get involved with him. Hope it helps. As for the topic of ex wives and gfs telling about him..my ex's ex wife contacted me and said he was a liar and cheated on her numerous times and that she felt abused. I asked if the abuse was physical and she said oh no! Nothing like that! I questioned him and he told me that yes he did all of that BUT he had these reasons. He didnt love her. He married her to get away from his alcoholic mom, she was obese and he wasnt attracted to her, she didnt satisfy him sexually, she screamed a lot, she may have been a lesbian etc. I believed both of them, but downplayed it all because he seemed to be saying he did all of it and now he was in a better place with me. So, its good to hear what the ex says if you use it wisely. I did ask her why she still stayed with him and took him back time after time. I didnt hear a good reason? If it was so bad, why did she still want him? If he needed more attention, why didnt she give it? Now I understand more.
Aug 23 - 11PM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Telling

Guys I just want to share that I tried telling the girlfriend of my N. She didn't believe me, and he called the police and had them warn me to leave them both alone...very extreme. They are both out there telling people they are being 'victimised' by this 'pysho girl'. Which isn't true at all. I tried to tell the truth and he got really really angry and put it back on me to cover himself and she doens't believe it anyway. It didn't work and now I am left alone and he is out there happy with her.
Aug 24 - 12AM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake you're doing it AGAIN!

Abusers frequently use a tactic called a pre-emptive strike where they either accuse the victim of doing all the things they have done (or are thinking of doing) or smear them so no one will speak to them and find out the truth.- Lundy Bancroft It didn't work What did you want to WORK? and now I am left alone Does that include no longer being used like a free whore? and he is out there happy with her Happy? Hello??? It's ok to feel sorry for yourself - IN THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 23 - 12AM
Marie
Marie's picture

thanks

Thanks ladies, I just needed the support. I know NC is the only way to go. I gave him my friendship and love,all he did was abuse and throw it away. Why offer it up again he's not deserving of my time or friendship. Besides I'm sure he has some other lady or ladies he's getting his supply from. Thanks again you guys are the best!
Aug 23 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
better off
better off's picture

Wow...this is kind of

Wow...this is kind of interesting since I dropped by to post an update. Let me ask you a question...if YOUR mom was ill or died...would HE contact you, express comfort, come to the funeral, or do anything else? Of course not. Ditch the guilt. My update was that something similar happened to me last week. When I went NC with my ex, I also did the same with all the people we knew in common, except for one close friend, who knows everything and has encouraged and supported NC. I would say she "knows him" more than that they are actually "friends." Anyway, she had heard that me ex's father had died, and the funeral was in fact the day she and I spoke. She was reluctant to tell me about it because she was afraid I'd feel compelled to contact him to offer condolences or something. I wanted to let you guys know that I didn't feel anything. I had no desire to contact him. I can't think of anything more pointless, really. I knew his dad was in poor health, and that he told stories about wanting to mend things with him before he died but his father was very difficult to talk to. I fell for all that bullshit..but in the end, I doubt he's terribly griefstricken. If anything he's probably using it to milk somebody for supply. Before I could really go down that line of thought, I found it too uninteresting to even think about, lol. Anyway, Marie, I said to my friend, do you think if you told him MY father died, he'd contact ME? She said, that sums it up perfectly. He doesn't care about me. I finally don't care about him. I don't care. I will always miss what we had for a time, but that is an experience I can't get back, and he was only pretending. Even to himself, for a while, I think. For the newcomers...it's the hard cold truth...No Contact is the ONLY way to get there. It's hard as hell, but it does work...and one day you won't have to "try" not to contact him.
Aug 22 - 4PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Marie

DO NOT call him! You calling him about his mother will only tell him you're opened to giving him more Narc supply...and thats all he would use you for, then hurt you worse when he'd done. Don't let him think he has access to you and your feelings....
Aug 22 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Marie

don't call don't go to the wake (when it happens) NADA ZIP As my late Nana used to say 'the dead take care of the dead' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 23 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
joannexrx (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what is your feedback on this

To all of you who have been burned by a narcissistic male: i adore his children and feel bad now for his ex wife who he burned in their divorce by co-signing the loan, leaving his name on, just to get half the cash out to blow on a 50K motorcycle...all while he was dating and engaged to me....while he posted his picture on "eharmony"... to find his next victim, that he went to after he discarded me back in February...should i contact his new victim and warn her...his contacts at work know what he did to me and want nothing to do with him now...but my main concern is the woman whom i know who has now become his current butterfly in the net....
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

joannexrx

Post his lying derriere on: www.dontdatehimgirl.com www.playerblock.com www.cheatersexpose.com www.stoptheact.com www.peepsheet.com and let all other butterflys find out the hard way. Make SURE you block him from all possible contact with you. Only contact the new woman ANONYMOUSLY. She won't believe you and he will use it to smear & harass you.
Aug 23 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
Hoping2Heal (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

would you have listened??

Honestly if someone would have contacted me about my N I would have still believed whatever story he told. It may have planted a seed to watch for things but the truth is mine was such a romantic, gorgeous actor nothing anyone could have said would have changed my mind. SO now I am suffereing the consequences. I knew something was up with him I think cuz I was wife #4 but I also thought WE were different...OUR love would make it....WE were soulmates! He had grown up now, I mean he is 48 not 24. NONE of it mattered. IMO I wouldnt chance contacting the new chic.
Aug 23 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Believing everything they tell us..

I totally agree...I believed everything my exN told me too. He pretty much hung the damn moon. I wish his ex who did contact me would have been more convincing. Her vagueness lead me to believe she was just crazy, as he said she was. I wouldn't contact the new person in his life either - it could very well open you up to more pain.
Aug 23 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

believing them: the manipulation begins

excerpt: You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time. Read this whole EXCELLENT ARTICLE HERE: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 24 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow!!!

That is one HELL of a freakin' excellent article!! Love it!
Aug 23 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Hoping2Heal (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

would you have listened??

Honestly if someone would have contacted me about my N I would have still believed whatever story he told. It may have planted a seed to watch for things but the truth is mine was such a romantic, gorgeous actor nothing anyone could have said would have changed my mind. SO now I am suffereing the consequences. I knew something was up with him I think cuz I was wife #4 but I also thought WE were different...OUR love would make it....WE were soulmates! He had grown up now, I mean he is 48 not 24. NONE of it mattered. IMO I wouldnt chance contacting the new chic.
Aug 23 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

contacting the other woman (women)

When it came to the women seeking out his previous relationships to check out his stories, lies, or behaviors, two and a half times more women did not talk to others, including previous female partners about his behavior than those who did. “He always told me she cheated on him, was crazy and a liar. He said no one could believe anything out of her mouth. So I never thought I’d get the truth. I see now he did that so I wouldn’t approach her.” About 25% of the women were able to contact other women who had been with the psychopath. In all but two cases the other women had similar stories to tell about his behavior. In the cases where other women refused to tell her about the psychopath, children were involved and he was the biologic father. Many of those who did not try to check out his stories, said they should have, and wish they had, as the information they would have gotten may have helped them to make a better choice. There were some women in the survey who were told in great detail about his violent and parasitic behavior. The psychopath had his own convincing explanation about every disturbing description of him. Unfortunately, women don’t believe other women when they tell about abuse from the male partner. A lesson learned is that the other woman may have something to say worth hearing and considering. “How I wish I would have at least tried to contact others. I might not be in the shape I am today trying to recover from what I’ve been through. If anyone ever contacts me, I’ll definitely tell her the truth!” “I thought she was biased! She was and rightfully so. I needed to hear what she had to say…I wish I had.” Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (this book includes Narcs & Psychopaths under the title of Psychopaths - simply for clarity) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck