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Narcs concept of time

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#1 Jun 6 - 1PM
Scoop
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Narcs concept of time

I swear that a narc dosent share the same concept of time as normal peope do and i think it is wrapped up with emotional memory and their lack of it .
We chart our time through events ie the party last week or our best friends wedding and what comes with that is an emotional memory but if you have no emotions imagin how you veiw time ? everything just must roll into each other as nameless people of events .
I have long since known my narc had an issue with this as i found it amazing on how he would pick up on a conversation as if i had just had it but it was a month ago , or this really freaky eposode where my narc last month text my ex husband to ask if he had left some wall paper paste on the extractor fan in the kitchen in our old house and if so could he come and get it , we have both moved out a year ago and my ex has had a baby and got marryed to someone else in that time and lives 30 miles away . ???!!! I started to bend my mind into what may have gone through my narcs mind when he sent that text (i know i souldnt have but sometimes its good to go there ) and heres what i came up with , he knew i had moved as he has stalked my new house before , he knew my ex husband had sold the house but in his head for that moment i was living there with my ex husband exsactly as everything was when i went NC with him over a year ago ... not to mention the trip over to my old house would have cost him £5 on the bus where new wall paper paste would have only cost £2 ... on every level its crazy !!... its like young children at school who think the teacher lives in the art cupbord as they cant imagin the teacher out of classromm and having their own lives .
Anyway im just musing on this Monday evening .. intresting subject i think .. Big love Scoop x

Jun 7 - 11PM
Journey
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What a great observation

What a great observation Scoop and it explains so well why he kept confusing things he did with an ex (or more than one), with things he did with me. After we broke up he brought a pair of pants to my house that his ex had left behind thinking they were mine - and a bed cover. I found that so weird that he would think either of them belonged to me. Does he not remember her wearing those pants at all? Even I knew they were hers and does he actually not remember that he never ever saw me wear them? And the bed cover was one I always thought was his, why he would give that back thinking it was mine can only mean that it must have belonged to his ex before me. This also explains why they use the same pet names with every woman. I know for a fact mine used the same one with at least three of us, so it isn't hard to imagine how many more hear it. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jun 7 - 9PM
itsallgood
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Frozen in time.

They are all frozen in time...during the time they were 6 years old! Of course they have no concept of time.
Jun 7 - 5PM
Susan32
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Compartmentalizing

Thanks for explaining it so well! "Like young children who think the teacher lives in the art cupboard as they can't imagine the teacher out of the classroom&having their own lives"- After the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof commanded me to think of him ONLY as a teacher. Talk about too little too late. He had told me about his parents (I know his father's first name, well, it happens to be my brother in-law's first name too), about his sister in Texas, his relatives in Massachusetts, that he was born in Berkeley... so he told me A LOT of personal info about himself. I met his girlfriend. And yet I was supposed to act as if she didn't matter. I asked him why he had told me so much about HIMSELF, and he said he was "trying to look human." When he did the "think of me only as a teacher" lecture, I simply upped the ante. I mentioned that when he was born, he wasn't a teacher, there weren't "It's a teacher" balloons in the delivery room. Yes. I went THERE. It also explains why he raged at me when I congratulated him on his engagement, claiming I was imposing on him&violating his privacy. He expected me to think of him the way little kids think of their teachers... that somehow he lived in his office, the library&the coffee shop... that he didn't have a life of his own. He couldn't understand why I had a life OUTSIDE of school. I volunteered;I went to Bible study;I went to different churches;I'd take long walks;I'd date. Yes, I got off campus. It's like it was a concept beyond him. Don't worry... I understand, now that I have a baby nephew. He used to get VERY upset when my sister left the room. He thought she disappeared. He'd freak. Not anymore. When my brother in-law takes a shower, my nephew will go to the bathroom door&babble. The ex-P is, mentally, the same age as my nephew (who will be turning 2) Not only are babies and toddlers cute, but in my case, they give EPIC closure.
Jun 7 - 5AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Scoop

"its like young children at school who think the teacher lives in the art cupbord as they cant imagine the teacher out of classroom and having their own lives." Wow. This sums it up. Everyone exists sort of in their minds, and time serves them the same way we all do: as they want it to. I noticed about the narc and my ex husband (who is BPD) that they both have no problem whatsoever rearranging chronology to suit them. For example, I was with my husband for six years, through his alchoholism, cheating, neglect and abuse (even filed for divorce and reconciled twice because he begged me to), and then finally, while we were separated, had an affair with another, good man. My ex husband lost his job, committed arson and went to prison. He apologized all over himself, begged me to take him back and give him one more chance. I took him back AGAIN after he was released, for the sake of our kids and because I was trying to be Christian. He turned on me AGAIN after just a month and would simply sit out on the porch getting wasteed and blaming me for ruining his life To this day, it was my "adultery" that ruined our marriage. I literally cannot be in a room with him for five minutes without him bringing it up and blaming me for it. Typical conversation: Me: We really need to put a little money away each month for the girls' college fund. Him: Well, if you'd kept your panties on I'd still have my job and we'd have plenty. This is EVERY conversation. After nine thousand conversations in which his screwed up chronology is featured, you start to wonder if it's YOUR chronology that's screwedd up. The narc used this on me, too, but more insidiously than the ex husband did. He knew he was doing it. When the foster child came, I made him promise me that I would be the only caregiver, that there would be no other babysitters but me, because I was worried about the child being confused about my role in his life (We were going to adopt him later if the opportunity arose, which we assumed it would). I completely gave up my life to this child, even putting him before my own children and my work to pick him up from school, take care of him, etc. at the drop of a hat, every single time. About two months in, I found out that another woman was babysitting him behind my back. The narc said, "Honey, you gave me no choice. You were never available for him. You're just too busy to care for him."
Jun 6 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

hahaha I read this at work

hahaha I read this at work today, scoop...and laughed about the 'cupboard' comment. haha so true!! :D My ex, same thing. Last month, early in the month...he and I were texting. (I broke NC) It was pleasant enough. He then called me. Started off ok, then something I said set him off...and it was like we were back as though we were dating again. He started yelling...and calling me a liar. lol I was like huh? Then, he slung some insults, told me he didn't care if I died, and hung up. I remember thinking to myself, wow...he doesn't progress past anything. Holds onto every single hurt. Strange units, they are.
Jun 6 - 4PM
LostandFound
LostandFound's picture

ABSOLUTELY

I have to say without any question their sense of time is warped. My exN would on countless occasions accuse of things that happened with his exes YEARS AGO!!! He would talk about his past glory days like they were yesterday and everyone should respect him now for crap his did a decade ago. I truly believe in their minds there is no continuity - no linear thinking whatsoever. Their memories all layer one on top of the other and jumble up because they lie so much they confuse the fantasy with reality and since women are nothing to them the faces and events swap all over the place because no one person means anymore then the next. The only constant is themselves as the center of their fantastic universe. They live to find supply - suck supply dry - discard and hunt again. They have sense of self and without the supply they are nothing. The supply can haven any name or face but all exists only to feed their desperate need for attention and adoration at all costs. So time means nothing to them - not as we see time.
Jun 6 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
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Outside of Time

The ex-Psych prof idolizes Leo Tolstoy (a major Narc) and Ludwig Wittgenstein (who might've been autistic, had Narc tendencies)... and there's an essay called "Wittgenstein and Tolstoy Outside of Time" (he didn't pen it, but the title is apt) I'd try to explain cause&effect to the ex-P, show him how actions were CONNECTED, what Unitarians call the interdependent web of being--and it was like speaking Chinese in Acapulco. Not something that would work. Communications breakdown. Consequences were something he just didn't get. No wonder a year after the final D&D, his Daddy put him on a "causality forum" (too bad it wasn't my idea) The ex-P would blame HIS actions on the fact that he had been "abused by beautiful women." It's not linear thinking, it's more like one of those worn-out cassette tapes that's completely messed up. "They confuse fantasy with reality"-The ex-P once said, in all sincerity "'War and Peace' IS real life!" He was paranoid about me reading "War and Peace"--so the seniors read "Anna Karenina" instead. Didn't upset me. But it DID piss off my classmates. The way the ex-P treated his girlfriend and I... comes straight out of "War and Peace." I think the ex-P HONESTLY expected me to be suicidal when I met his girlfriend, because Natasha tries to kill herself with poison when she learns her fiance Anatole is already married. The ex-P said his betrothal was private... because Andrei keeps his betrothal to Natasha private. The ex-P's parents raised his kids... because Andrei's father raises Andrei's son. The ex-P would compare me to fictional characters- Natasha, Sonya, Anna Karenina, Princess Maria, Lisa Bolkonsky- it makes me perversely envious of those of us who've been compared to real-life ex-wives/ex-girlfriends. At least an ex-wife EXISTS. The ex-P's girlfriend (who moved in with him, married him after she had his kids) looked LIKE ME. Talk about interchangeable. His girlfriend&I were like the so-called "bed trick" in "Measure for Measure" and "All's well that ends well." The ex-P claimed he had seen a friend act in "Measure for Measure" in the UK. The ex-P lacked any sense of time. He saw himself as a famous philosopher... despite the fact he hadn't accomplished anything. He did future faking about an Augustine/Wittgenstein book he claimed to be writing (he wasn't) The ex-P may be a tenured professor, but he's more like the delusional homeless guy with awful teeth who goes around the local farmer's market spouting conspiracy theories.
Jun 6 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
LostandFound
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Correction

I meant to say they have NO sense of self -
Jun 6 - 2PM
mystwoman
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This is very true. Xnh has a

This is very true. Xnh has a truly strange concept of time. Xnh does just like your ex did. He cheated on me and dumped me after we were together for 16 years Xnh approached me at work about a month after he dumped me and tried to start a conversation with me just like nothing had EVER happened between us (aka, his cheating and our divorce - or that fact that I hate his guts). It was like I was supposed to have been in "suspended animation" after he left, and I should just be SO happy to be his best buddy again. "Ta Da! Here I am! Blah, blah, blah". Business as usual. Apparently, in xnh's mind nothing had ever happened in between. Bizarre! It's really interesting to me that you said, "its like young children at school who think the teacher lives in the art cupbord as they cant imagin the teacher out of classromm and having their own lives ." That's EXACTLY how narcs and P's seem to think. Xnh's hideous P daughter was also really weird about time. I remember when she was a teenager, she was playing this "I don't want to do what Mom says, so I'll just go to Dad's house to get away" game. It used to just piss the snot out of me that xnh and I would make plans because it was supposed to our weekend NOT to have his kids. Suddenly, BLAM, his hideous P daughter would walk in the front door unannounced, and xnh would let her mess up our plans. I remember telling her, "NO! You cannot just waltz in the front door whenever you feel, and have us drop everything to orbit around you. Contrary to whatever you think, we have a life of our own that does NOT include YOU. I know that it's quite a concept to get your mind around, but we do NOT promptly turn into cardboard cutouts and freeze into place whenever YOU leave the room. We do NOT just cease to exist merely because YOU are not here." She seriously acted stunned. It was like it had never occurred her that we might actually be alive when SHE wasn't present. It was eerie to me that anyone could be that self-absorbed (and unrealistic).

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 6 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
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I don't mean to sound

I don't mean to sound rude...but if she had your ex as her dad...no wonder she was 'hideous.' I think that between the divorce, and then having a dad who could give a rip about her...THAT is why she became self absorbed...because no one cared about her. (not saying you didn't...but her dad, which little girls need for validation, was just not emotionally present for her)
Jun 6 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Oh, I agree about why she

Oh, I agree about why she became self-absorbed. I do indeed have empathy for WHY she is the way she is. Her dad is not present emotionally for anyone but himself. Her mother is almost as self-centered as xnh (and she also comes from a very dysfunctional family history, too - so the mother had her own "demons" to cope with). As for the divorce, xnh's poor kids actually had TWO divorces to live through by the time they reached adulthood. Xnh cheated on and dumped their mother. Then he cheated on and dumped me. I actually tried very hard to reach out to this oldest girl for many years (I met her when she was three years old - she's 21 now). I was able to connect deeply to her sister, and I did try very hard with her, too. She rejected everything about me at every turn. For me, this oldest P daughter was much like trying to bond to a rattlesnake. She bit me every chance she got. She stole continually from me from a very young age. She lied constantly. She would deliberately destroy and sabotage anything to do with me that she possibly could. This girl wanted me GONE (personally, I feel that as she got older "dead" or "gone" would have sufficed for her). It did occur to me that I could possibly end up being one of those step-parents that got knifed in their sleep. She does not seem to have any conscience. Xnh allowed/encouraged her behavior continually, and would completely turn a blind eye about HIS daughter's behaviors (he still does). Xnh would badmouth me with this girl behind my back continually. The two of them apparently have had numerous discussions about every perceived "sin" I've supposedly ever committed. She is xnh's confidant. Xnh would actually accuse me of lying about her when I caught her doing things like electrocuting my dog with a shock collar. The look of glee on her face was totally unnerving to me. This girl ENJOYED hurting others (and she did things like this to her sister for years as well). I tried many, many times to get xnh to get this girl into therapy. Xnh merely looked the other way no matter what she did. She has a LONG track record of vicious behavior. This oldest P daughter had emotional problems well before I'd ever met her, and they only got worse as the years passed. Xnh would not give her what she needed emotionally as a child, he would NOT get her help, AND he would not put any limits onto her like a parent should either. Xnh would not admit that she had any problems. So no, I can very much see WHY she is the way she is, and even have empathy for her. I'd hate to have a father like xnh. What a screwed up mess he's made with her. However, no matter how she was formed, she still is dangerous and will do whatever she wants to get her way. Thus, I stay NC with both xnh and his oldest P daughter.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 7 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't forget she has her parents' genes too.

She may be the way she is because of genetics and not a product of her environment. And it may be because of both. I'm reading a book about that concept right now.
Jun 7 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Yes, I do think that genetics

Yes, I do think that genetics has a big factor in why she is this way. I actually think it is both genetics and environment, in her case. Xnh's mother is a narc. Her and xnh are like clones in bodies of different genders. They're SO alike that it's eerie. His mother is as obsessed with xnh as HE is with his oldest hideous P daughter. Xnh's mother's mother (his grandmother) was a raging alcoholic I don't know much about her except that she was very controlling and died young of lung cancer (she smoked like a chimney as well as drinking like a fish). I'm guessing that she probably was a narc as well. Xnh obviously has NPD. His oldest daughter is nothing short of a psychopath. The scary (and sad) part now is that she just had a baby a month ago. The family dysfunction is about to be passed onto another generation...and that's just xnh's side of the family. This girl's mother's family also has their own set of serious dysfunction problems (incest, alcoholism, violent abuse, etc).

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.