Constant breakups?

In my freshman year, the ex-Psych prof threatened to abandon me if I told other people how he was treating me. My threat? That if I found out he already had a girlfriend, I'd abandon him. In a twisted way, the latter one came true MORE than the former. Ns/Ps aren't that honest anyhow... and there's that hoovering. He was still hoovering me after I had exposed him. But when I met the girlfriend who had moved from LA to be with him... I went from MC to NC on him. I made good on my threat. I left town without telling him. When I sent thank-you cards to ALL of my former profs, he didn't get one. I also promised him that if he wouldn't make fun of himself, I'd ridicule him. I made good on that one too. He can never fault me for lack of follow-through.

my ex N would just start arguements for me to threaten to throw him out then he would instantly play victim and go run to the other women to tell them how "awful" I was. My weakness is I don't like rejection I will openly admit this. I'm not use to people telling me no about things. So when he left and for a married woman my self-esteem was demolished. All during the relationship I would stand up for myself and be so strong. But then he hit me with the cryptonite and the thing is I don't even think he really knew I would be like this. But oh boy when he found out how tore up I was about this he stuck the knife in deeper. He has came back twice to only TRY and I use the word try loosely because when it comes to certain things that draws the line. I think he wanted money but he should've known better just because I appear to be weak doesn't mean you're gonna get money. This last time I just don't know what made him come over here and yeah he did that hoovering crap on me . Talking suicide and how much he missed us and how unhappy he was. He stayed 10 days here with me and everyday I would ask him was he lying and did he really mean what he says and he would say yes. Then last friday I asked him again he tried to lie and I told him I feel something is wrong. And thats when the jekyl and hyde came out literally. I think dude is like sybil or some shyt. It scared me it was like someone who was trying to convince someone else in the room who wasn't there. I still love him and wish he would come back around we have 2 kids together and have been together a total of 8 years. And this married woman he is with now he is using her for money but something inside me tells me he thinks he loves her and they may even get married if her husband divorces her. This is a big fear of mines and I don't even know why smh. I'M SO DAMN CONFUSED RIGHT NOW . I think about him alot not as much as I use to but still alot. At night its the worse I wonder what is he doing. Probably getting his freak on . He is really mad I blocked his number and emails smh but wth did he expect ? Me to just be okay with him leaving me again after telling me swearing on his mother's grave he was serious! smh

You can also call them the Duke&Duchess of Cambridge. The mainstream media has often referred to the "on-again/off-again decade long relationship between Prince William and Kate Middleton." They even said so this morning on NPR http://www.npr.org/ I love a wedding as much as anyone... but this little detail is as troubling as the weeklong courtship of Leo&Sofia Tolstoy, or the ex-Psych prof suddenly wanting to settle down, marry&have kids with me after only a couple of months. Instant love can be a MAJOR red flag. But can so these prolonged courtships. "Some day my prince will come"--but TEN YEARS????

It was strange because once early on, I said to him, you break up with me for fear I will break up with YOU and he nodded like I had gotten his big secret, he had extreme fears of abandonment, I say his mother did a number on him in some way,shape or form.............

Hey Caligirl....welcome to the board :) The whole last year of my relationship with my N was so on and off. We probably broke up every other month or so. When I think back....I feel like I was the one saying that we needed to part ways. I knew the relationship wasn't good for me. I would get so tired of the silent treatments, total disregard for me, insensitivity, accusations that I was too sensitive, controlling, overly dramatic....total projection! I would say I can't do this anymore. She would be the one to say but I can't imagine life without you, you can't throw all we have away....blah blah blah. I would always come away the sorry one....I never have apologized to any other person in my life as much as I did to her! Then I'd try my hardest, do my best to be patient, understanding....until I just couldn't take it anymore. My tolerance for her antics went down and the amount of time I could put up with her behavior got shorter and shorter. She finally said to me during an argument that she wasn't in love with me...that we should just be friends. That was the final straw for me and I told her I was done. Yes...it's all about control and having the upper hand...even if it is totally passive agressive like my N was! Strength and hugs to you :) ~KG

You pretty much answered your own question, it was about control, it was about breaking you down, it was about mixed messages, intermittent reinforcement and dysfunctional dynamics, all orchestrated to confuse you and have you totally lost yet begging for more. It is what ABUSERS do and it was abusive...it was a homerun with the destruction of your sanity...and even if not in the midst of PTSD, don't think that or another form of complete destruction of you wasn't his goal. It's all how these disordered individuals get supply and "feel good" about themselves. Hugs!

He broke up with me three times (really four but I broke up with him the first time he did silent treatment me because I was so much mentally healthier in the earlier years of the 10 year relationship. He often told me he would get rid of any woman who was bitchy or high maintenance. He once said " I never gave any of my girlfriends keys to my house"...implying I was just like all the previous ladies to him... He never fully opened up to me in 10 years. We never fought ever, he would just shut down if it got emotional. He only lost his cool and yelled once when one of his ex GF's exposed him to me and told me I was probably not in the exclusive relationship I thought I was. My naivete and vulnerability with him now makes me sick. I was such easy prey... I think some of his other old GF's were tougher types than me - he was a hard core party guy and I think he was with bar ladies... off topic... But yes he would indirectly threaten me that if I displeased him I would be gone. One time I did displease him doing something entirely normal and he threw me off his property and did not speak for a month. Then acted like nothing happened and was back with me normal for a year until he left town permanently and abandoned me.

lol I know...not funny! Shower tile. Unreal. I remember when he didn't want me discussing the people on the forums. It never made sense to me, I respected his wishes though. Well, one day...oops...I slipped and told him a story I had read off of there. He said...if you bring up those forums again, I'm breaking up with you. How do you like that Dee?? I bet he shit his pants when I ended things with him. Twice! So there. We got back together, and less than 24 hours, he was a dick aaaaallll over again. And I ended it...again. I don't feel happiness over hurting someone. But, I do feel like it took courage to overcome my fear of loss, by ending the very thing I was afraid of losing. Thank you for clarifying!!

YEEES!! Constantly saying...if you bring up 'xyz' again (and it was truthfully always a conversation I never would have thought would offend) I'm breaking up with you. I shared with him my fear of loss...that stemmed from my childhood. He exploited this. I regret ever telling him such private things. But, yes yes yes ...threats are all part of the narc game of power and control. They want you on edge...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I broke up with my ex N. It showed him that I was not afraid of loss. I didn't lose anything, though...when I broke up with him. :P

Oh yes. Xnh was constantly throwing it into my face that if I didn't do whatever he wanted at the moment, he would just leave me. I can't even begin to count the times he threatened me (including at the end when he told me, "Maybe I'll just beat the sh*t out of you until you divorce me."). I'd owned the house we lived in, since before I'd ever met xnh, so it was a little harder for him to throw me out than it was to stomp out the door while threatening me with a divorce. Xnh, also, drove off and left me places while he was in a rage multiple times. Of course, one time xnh jumped out of my car threatening to leave me, and I accidentally ran over his foot when I drove away. I didn't do it deliberately, but I have to admit that it was satisfying to me that he had to hobble all the way home with tire marks on the top of his bruised foot, merely because he was being a flaming as*hole in a rage. lol. You are absolutely correct, it's a power trip. Narcs are all about control. Your comment about only being able to work on a relationship when you're in it is so true. Unfortunately, only ONE person working on the relationship is not enough either. I wanted to work on our relationship. Xnh seem to think he was just perfect in every way, and he didn't feel compelled to put forth any real effort. As is typical with a narc, everything was always a one-way street (his way). We fought constantly. Sad to say, but we even got into fights about whether or not we were fighting. Xnh dearly loved to fight. It was like a sport to him. It is really interesting to me though, that after threatening to leave me a million times (or more) throughout our relationship, xnh seemed totally stunned and shocked that I actually threw him out of the house when he cheated, and it was me that filed the divorce papers. Xnh honestly acted like he could bully and abuse me for years, but he was going to remain in the relationship forever anyway. When I finally called his bluff, he was shocked. I seriously don't think he knew how to react. I pretty well defined it for him. Start packing, and find somewhere else to live, because living in my house was NOT an option. rofl.

He devalued and discarded me so many times I was keeping tract until I lost count, if I did or said Anything he did not like, out the door he was, I even felt, before I knew an anything about NPD, that HE always had one foot OUT THE DOOR AT ALL TIMES.He would always come back weeks,months later after I was recovering un til he left for good for out of state,after we had talked about making the move together, he had zero commitment to our relationship, he knew at that point that i was onto him, because I wrote him a letter saying why is this relationships always about your needs, wants, what about me too? that was it for him.a total dictatorship, but an object to him, a sex object, I would say.It is control and you do not do that in a loving, caring,committed realationship, that I do know for sure.

Breakups were constant. They started out as overnight types of things - our relationship was long distance so who knows what he was doing. He would get very upset with me, go silent, tell me he could no longer do this and he was breaking up with me. My part of this game was to beg and plead and apologize, repeat action, until he said he would give me another chance. That went on for 2 years. In May of last year, he broke up with me for three months. He dated his neighbor during that time and came back to me after three weeks of NC. We were together for 2 months, he broke up for another 3 months. Came back completely unexpected and we were together for 2 months and he broke up yet again. All three times he went back to the neighbor. I now know about D&D element to this so get it. I also think that each breakup gave him a logical "reset" button to those around us so we were always at the beginning and wouldnt be seen as failing. Finally, beyond the three weeks of NC I mention above, we were always in contact so he always knew where a ready and willing supply was when the others got old or didn't work out. His honeymoon phase could shortened with me.