How would you describe your struggles being NC vs being with him?

way to go. WITH HIM: (AFTER the first "fairytale" year) Calls me on my cell, and refuses to answer when i call him back 10 seconds later. Denies the "other women" although he starts to treat me like his maiden aunt when it comes to intimacy. Never knowing when he will go from normal roughhousing with the dog and into a RAGE which earns my dog kicks to the chest just for being a playful pooch. Having to house two of his loser friends in our one bedroom apartment, so I don't even have a place to go to be alone in my misery LOL Realizing the phony "there's my beautiful wife" when he introduces me to new friends, yet also realizing once we are alone I am NOTHING to him - just a part of the furniture. Knowing that if I get the courage to open my heart to him that he will walk away from my tears when they come. AND a bunch of other shit it would take me HOURS to relay. NOT BEING WITH HIM: Realizing that I no longer feel "ugly" around a man who is suppposed to love me. Knowing I can choose to hang out with, or choose not to hang out with, anyone in particular. Having the happy thought that I will actually have money left after paying the rent. Not being tempted to do drugs anymore, because they, along with the people who are doing them, are no longer a part of my environment. Being able to snap my gum, laugh out loud or ask a an innocent question without the fear of being yelled at, told to be quiet or being put down. YES - NC - even though it's hard for the fact that you have to face YOURSELF, is easier than looking at a reflection of yourself as the NARC sees you...

When you are with him - HE is in control of you. When you are NC - YOU are in control of you. I understand all of the back and forth and I even believe (I hate to say this to anyone struggling with NC) that it takes a few times of getting hoovered back into the game before you get fed up enough that you're ready to move away FOR GOOD! It's true what everyone says here - with every time you go back and try, the worse it gets. I wonder if we've convinced ourselves that we love these guys or if we are in love with the dream that they sold us. Either way, it's just more of our precious time that we lose trying to figure them out.

Especially the part about not sharing a normal LIFE with him as couples do. I think the biggest reason for this for us was because we're married and had these long distance affairs. We didn't get to be part of their everyday life due to logistics. So it WAS a fantasy life with them that became a nightmare with more ups and downs than a normal relationship has once the mask came off. I remember so looking forward to my visit with him for his birthday last October. I had all these fantasies and plans in my head of things we would do together that included my other friends I was seeing there too (this was before they grew to hate him which started that very week, ironically enough). The 6 of us going out to dinner as couples, going to this local hang-out that has a live band and dancing. The 2 of us going to the places he went for lunch or dinner that he was always telling me about how good the food was. Taking long drives together, window shopping at the mall. Spending several days and nights in a hotel together (he was separated from his wife and living at his parents, so I couldn't stay with him). I wanted to be his girlfriend for that week. I wanted to be part of HIS world. I looked forward to this for WEEKS, only for this to be the first time he D & D'd me. NOTHING turned out the way I'd planned it. The mask came off and he essentially tried to avoid seeing me the entire week and BLEW ME OFF on his birthday. My first night there I asked him when I was going to see him the next day. Him: "I'll call you when I leave the gym." Me: "When is that?" Him: "Depends on what time I get there." Me: "When is that?" Him: "Depends on what time I get up." Me: "When is that?" Him: "Depends on what time I go to bed." Me: "When is that?" This is comical for me to read now, but classic Narc crap in hindsight. So the entire week was a roller coaster of him pushing me away, me breaking it off, him chasing after me and pulling me back in, only to do it all over again. At the end of the week, HE broke it off with me, and then came after me again several hours later! All I could think at the time was, who does this? Now I know Narcs do this And as I'm writing now, I'm realizing that WOULD be life with him had we ever gotten to the point of having a real relationship and not an affair. There is no real life with them, it's ALL drama. And now I'm realizing something else. He told me he's going to get along sooooo much better with the new GF because she won't fight and argue with him like I did, they will be more compatible. And I'm thinking, that will only happen if she takes his crap and never calls him on anything because she's more docile than I am. So maybe she'll put up with more longer, but then he will get BORED without the drama! He will get so frickin' bored without the drama, he will CREATE it! He lives off it! My friends all said that many times, he really loves the drama.

He's not two different people. That's not possible. He's one person, one disordered person. You saw the REAL him. A disturbed man can "fake" being nice...but a genuinley nice man would't fake being disordered. Trust the bad side. That's the real him. Don't be so sure the GF hasn't seen his dark side. She could be in denial. Many here were the GF or the wife and it wasn't all rosey. If he hasn't shown his true colours to her yet, he will. Matter of time. I know it doesn't feel like an "advantage" but look at this way....you were SAVED that you weren't the GF...you saw his true colours quicker. The trouble you are having with thinking he is "two different people".....well, imagine how she's gonna feel when her walls come crashing down.

NC is about withdrawal and staying with the narc is about pain and torture. Meeting a PD is a crap shoot; staying with them becomes an addiction. An addiction to hoping they'll change, hoping that if you can just find the right "key" everything will be alright. As we are learning here, this is NOT the case. There is no "key" which fits them, the door is broken and the keys we put in Don't work. We all know what staying with them is like so I don't have to go there. NC is difficult because it is the end of the dream; the end of the illusion of a healthy life with the PD. You just know that it is not going to happen and you want out and you want your sanity back. Then comes the hard part, the withdrawal, the what if's, the maybe he really isn't that bad. These guys are like a drug, this is why any contact can suck us back in. The NC experience is going to vary from person to person depending on what went down, who did the leaving, your support system; there are a variety of factors. NC is the beginning of recovery and although it can be long and painful, it is well worth the effort in the long run. The steps definately speed up the process and as you say, if you were with a Psychopath there is going to be long road to sorting out all the insanity. My heart goes out to all of us trying to recover from a Psychopath, it is painful and certainly incentive to never ever ever do it again. Goldie

It all boils down to putting it on the back burner and doing the best to move on, i know that is easier said than done, but trying to figure these disordered men out will make you crazy, you need to get yourself involved in something you like,work volunteer, painting, writing, exercise, whatever to FORCE yourself to move on, lookat me I am 2 years out and still have thoughts of him all the time, not like before when I was depressed and obsessing, but it has not gone away, just lessened, but i no longer try to figure him out, like you are doing, maybe because I am further along. These men are 2 people, hence the term Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, which i called him to his face and all he could say,'was my third wife told me that also.' DUH.You are a smart woman and i sense a lot of anger and rage within you that needs working on, have you gotten some therapy, it helped me when i needed it the most. Screw him, it is NOW your life that needs working on, he is DONE. for me if I could meet a decent man , he would be history but I am hindered by a very weak support system and feel all alone.Also maybe focusing on him so much keeps you from looking at your marriage, which you have told us, is not very good.