I slipped : (

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#1 December 14, 2009 - 8:13pm
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I slipped : (

I am SO mad at myself, I have been beating myself up all day.

This sucks. It's not as easy as I thought.

So, my NC resets as of today. NC Day #1.

I feel like a weak pathectic loser.

Sorry you guys.

December 17, 2009 - 5:39pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You have nothing to be sorry

You have nothing to be sorry for. this goes at its own pace. the good day is when you aren't interested in him one way or the other. You will get there but you have to do it at your speed and in your way. No Contact eventually will make sense to you but for now you are still involved with his false image and that is why it is hard to get totally away. Once you distance enough you will not care. Never aplogize it took me 7 years. I was a very slow learner! My neighbor has contacts with her ex that used to frustrante her and upset her and now she just laughs and laughs. I had lunch with her today and she was talking about him calling her and saying." I think you don't love me anymore." They have been divorced for 15 years. Her answer was a classic, "I don't even remember what you look like."
December 14, 2009 - 8:56pm
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Been There

We all have our set backs. I sure do. I have cried all day today. Something has triggered me. Not sure if it is just reality setting in or what. I have an urge tonight to send him an e-mail and ask him why he is doing this to me. He will ignore me. Then, I will feel even more like a dumb arse fool. I re-contacted my Ex about 7 times before I finally was able to stay away and ride the emotional waves. Each time, I stayed away longer. It takes time. You are definitely NOT a loser. Take good care of yourself.
December 14, 2009 - 9:12pm (Reply to #12)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Been Down

I feel down, too. It's the Holiday thing. All the shoppers rushing about. My imagination of, & longing for, a happy home life. I've been teary, too. Thinking about how I tried to make a nice Christmas last year. Wishing that I wasn't alone this holiday season. Whether it's day 1 or day 60, NC is a state of mind. And who cares what the jerk thinks? Who knows what they think? If they think at all? But, certainly not much about you or me. Anyhow . . . whether we're there or not . . . an N always thinks we're there waiting for them. We're like a genie in the bottle.
December 14, 2009 - 8:17pm
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

You are not a weak pathetic

You are not a weak pathetic loser. You are human, and you have human feelings. Just remember how this contact made you feel, and it will make you less likely to give in next time. We've all been there, and you are still really new at this. We are all getting stronger every day, thanks to the great support on this site and the other links we have all checked out. So forgive yourself, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and learn from this little setback. It is not a mistake as long as you learn from it. Good luck, stay strong!!
December 14, 2009 - 8:24pm (Reply to #2)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MsVulcan500

Thank you for your post. I am in tears over how wonderful everyone on this site has been to my situation. It feels good to have a place to go to be honest. I guess we all aren't used to people actually "caring" about us. And, it's ironic...no one here evens knows me and they treat me better than ny xN ever did. TY.
December 14, 2009 - 8:27pm (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/06/power-relapsing-aka-allowing-contac... http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/forgiving-one-who-deserves-forgi... talk to your therapist IMMEDIATELY! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 14, 2009 - 8:29pm (Reply to #4)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara - these links don't work

Both of them say "Sorry page no longer exists"
December 14, 2009 - 8:37pm (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali - try these

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/forgiving-one-who-deserves-forgiveness.html http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/06/power-relapsing-aka-allowing-contact ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 15, 2009 - 12:17am (Reply to #6)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Barbara

The entire 1 1/2 hours I was with him yesterday I wanted to tell him that I learned what he was and that it's a disorder that is incurable. However, I didn't...I mean, I must have opened my mouth 10 times to say it, but the words simply couldn't come out. I only told it to myself, because I was the only one who needed to know. I hate N's. They are quite the enigma...in the worst meaning of the word.
December 15, 2009 - 6:27am (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't bother

It would have been lost on him anyway and just made him rage: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/20/should-you-confront-narcissist-about-his-narcissism Time for a new phone number and not allowing him in your home again... EVER! are you in therapy yet?????? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 15, 2009 - 7:29pm (Reply to #8)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not Therapy Barbara

I can't afford it and I know that if I try to get "free" assistance, I'm not going to get the therapy I need re: Narcs. However, when I moved out 2 weeks ago, I decided to rent a room. The lady who owns the home is an attorney and has multiple degrees in psychology, theology, and philosophy. She works from home, so she and I talk about my situation everyday. In fact, I got a letter from the IRS that requires a signature from both my xN and I and she is going to represent me as my attorney to get his signature. She says there is a reason I landed here. I think she is correct.
December 15, 2009 - 9:42pm (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

does she 'get' PTSD? has she read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS? (she should, it would be extremely helpful in her profession(s) with other clients. Hang in there... ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
December 16, 2009 - 9:23pm (Reply to #10)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes,Barbara

When I told her I thought my husband was a narc, she said, "my mother in-law is one...I have quite a bit of knowledge in that personality disorder type". So, it's better than nothing. She's also helping me with my addiction to alcohol. I set everything up so that I could leave this loser for good...unfortuntely, I am my own worst enemy : (