Been up all night thinking. Why do I focus on seemingly menial crap that are alone, inconsequential? On their own they certainly shouldn't be enough to monopolize my thoughts. These things are not the true source of what I am feeling. Gabi, Matt, internet web cams. Ridiculous, right? When I step outside of myself and look at what I'm doing by making these issues so BIG it magnifies their triviality. I'm being silly, really. I see that. So WHY am I doing it?
Maybe I'm trying to not see what the truth really is. That I am abused. Physically, psychologically and what could be irreparably by a person that I chose to love and trust. That I've been doing it for 7 years. and it's not going to stop. ever. I am trying for it not to be true. If I make other issues it will cloud reality and i won't have to deal with it. or better yet, it can be my fault and in my control then i could make it stop somehow by altering me. Then, when i decide to stop the focus on the things that don't matter and stop making bigger problems out of smaller ones, the real one will disintegrate at the same time and my being tortured and slowly destroyed by someone that i chose to love and trust would remain a secret even from me.
Maybe it is important to me for these seemingly minuscule situations to be important to you. Because they do hurt me. Even in small ways. I desire for you to recognize that I am in pain. and even though these things are petty, my wounds are so deep. Some of them inflicted by you, some not. I need to be handled gently and with care in between the really awful times when I have to steel myself so I feel nothing at all. That I require a reprieve from feeling lonely, insecure and sad and hope that you will help to build me back up so that I can take it all over again and be able to afford to lose another chunk without becoming smaller.
maybe they feel big because they are.
You are okay. It is not your fault your parents left you. You don't have to keep running away. You are safe with yourself. You cannot make people love you. You love yourself. You need to quit smoking. smile.
I hate you so much. If I ever see you again it will be too soon. You're a liar, a cheat and have a cold heart. You stopped deserving me or any other woman that tried to care for you when you began tearing us down.
ps. fuck you
Remember when you told me that the picture of the woman's pussy (Gabi's) and the man's hand (clearly yours) that you used to use as your computer logon photo was glenn's hand and some other girls twat? Yea. that was funny.
Remember that time you wrote a long letter (on my birthday) to a woman on a Russian mail order bride site asking if she could come to the united states to visit you? You told her she was beautiful and you were just a lonely christian man living a solitary life with his dog.
Or that fishing trip we took to mississippi and when i woke you up in the morning to remind you (very sweetly, i will add) that you were supposed to meet spud, you threw everything in the fire and almost broke my arm with that fishing reel? and then you left me there.
Remember when you told me;
you were so lonely and would be good to me and cole
i am one of the smartest people you'd met
i am a good person
you love my body
you love my feet
you love my son
you love me
you want to spend your life with me and get married
you appreciate what i do for you and puff
im a good parent
i am funny
i am beautiful
the you switched it to -
my pussy is too big and so is my mouth
You hate me and so does my son
its no wonder my parents left me
i should do the world a favor and shoot myself
i am pathetic
i am stupid
i am a waste of life
my son is a pussy
my son is a loser
i am only good for one thing and i suck at that, too.
for the money you spent on our wedding, you could at least have a pretty stripper
i am useless
i am nothing
marrying me was the biggest mistake of your life
you don't love me
you will beat me to death
Remember when we were dating and you took me to the club where gabi worked three times and pretended not to know her? Then you brought me back there the night before we became married and were all over her in the corner? Then lied about knowing she worked there, or having contact with her and told me i was a crazy bitch for asking?
Remember when she called 6 days after I married you and told me everything? That you had been lying to me all along, that you are simple minded and she needed you to know that i was a "gold digging whore" because matt had been in there to see her and told her that I was spending all your money? She told me that i probably gave you hepatitis with my "nasty pussy". that was fun.
Remember when the doctor called and told you you had hepatitis and I comforted you and told you I would be there to help you through it and it would be okay?
And when both times you were sick from taking treatments and I made sure you had your medicine on time, talked to your doctors for you, bought and prepared you food, covered you and uncovered you with blankets, worried and cried by myself about you being sick and in pain and wished that i could take it away for you?
Remember when you destroyed my piano, my phones, my grandmother's bowl, the windows, the walls, threw the food i cooked in the trash, threw food it at the walls, threw me at the walls and on the floor pulled out my hair, spit and smacked me in the face, kicked me, made me sit in a corner, threw me out and locked the door behind me?
Remember how you tried to teach me how to make animal calls, and we made jigs and listened to music?
Remember when i cleaned up all the glass, and replaced my phones, and wiped up the food and cried alone?
and then we would dance in the kitchen and have awesome sex and fish together and make plans.
Remember when my dad called to try to help us? and Lee and Lisa? and Karen and John? and my sister? and your sister? and when i begged you to get some help for us because i loved you so much i couldn't bear the thought of having to leave you?
And I told you everything about myself. I bared my heart to you. every painful memory. all of my hope and heartache and sorrow. When i was raped, the time jeff hurt me when i was pregnant, my loneliness from my family. everything. and you used it all against me. every single raw shred. as proof to yourself that i am the proper receptacle of your hate.
I remember that shit. and lots more.