A Devil or Angel?
A Devil or Angel?
A devil dressed like an angel, or an angel in disguise?
I met my latest princess when moving to a new city inorder to be close to my 10 year old daughter.
I had a traumatic childhood and always had problem connecting with anyone. I met this "princess" online and she wanted to know a lot about me from the start. She was divorced since 1 1/2 years ago after a ten year marriage and two kids with an abusive husband. Later I found out it just been 4 months since he moved out from her appartment after trying to patch things up again. She had a clear understanding and experience of suffering and on our first date we didnt have akward pauses but held eachothers gaze for long period of times. I was sold. But she was the one pursuing me. We made passionately love for nights, our eyes sparkled everytime they met.
I believe the hardest and most painful battle you ever experience is a battle for your own reality. When your perception of reality is challanged its almost impossible to let go, you go to hell and back to resolve it, to conquer the opposition. The denyer. My reality was denied over and over from an early age by my mum. My mother denied what she had said, what she had done, my own experiences and even my own individuality. She did this without any regard or empathy.
The last three years before moving to this city I had lived secluded in a beautiful forest dedicating my time mostly to Buddhist practice and meditation. For the first time in my life I gained some inner freedom, wellbeing and peace. For the first time I felt I was living where I should be living and doing exactly what I should be doing. But after a 3 month long retreat in a Buddhist monastary in India I started to realise that I had to backtrack my behavioural pattern inorder to resolve and dissolve instead of escaping. In Buddhist philosophy its believed that a pain unresolved or not endured to exhaustion will circle back over and over until done so. I really belive this, as this pattern of my fight for my reality and inner truth comes back over and over again. Im still fighting the same fight starting with my mother, only the opponent seems to gain a weight class every time. I think mainly because the essence of the real conflict is getting clearer and clearer. Seeing it from this perspective also makes my opponent my greatest teacher, all the time growing in front of me as to the point it is clouding my whole vision, thus making it impossible to ignore. I stopped trying to make a run from truth, Im staying my ground wherever it will take me. Im seeking out this kind of people as much as they do me and at the end I will be the one who have benefitted the most and they deserve both my gratitude and compassion.
I have heard but never understood the meaning of terms such as "narcissism", "co-dependancy" or "empath" I think getting stuck in labels can be crippleing and stop you from progression because it helps define a kind of permenance, wich for me is impossible. But knowing this I also think it helps looking at things with different lenses and sometimes you need to have focus on what and who you are in this very instant. And learning about this terms and other peoples experiences has helped me understand a lot and Im very grateful!
As time passed my "princess" showed other sides. She could after a loving night sit opposite me, staring into my eyes with a dark look in hers and the room would start to feel very cold. At first I asked what was wrong but she would be moody and never really answer. I felt unwanted and unwelcomed and would trie to leave but that always triggerd a rage or/and crying that made it hard for me to leave. Sometimes she tried to stop me physically.
She was higly illogical. She proclaimed her own high standard of morals but they never seemed to apply to herself.
She started criticize how I dressed, where I lived, my financial situation, my hair or beard and it wasnt just that she critisized (many women seems to want to improve something in their men) but it was with the contempt she was doing it. This contempt or malice if you will also showed it self if I spoke good about my self, even if I proclaimed jokingley that I would make her "the worlds best omelette" for breakfest. I like to cook and especially for someone I care for. She would tell me straight away that I wasnt perfect nor did I make anything close to the worlds best omelette. The malice in her voice and blackness in her eyes when she "turned" this situation always sent cold shivers down my spine.
I started looking for a house close to my daughters Mother and my daughters school. "Princess" wondered why I didnt look for a house close to hers on the other side of town. This was in a period when she started to doubt if I was the one and went from hot to cold in 1.2 sec. Having 2 kids herself that she cared a lot for I couldnt believe she was serious and when I smilingely said "what about my daughter then?" she would answer with no smile "what about me?" and I would experience yet another cold shiver.
We started fighting alot. Growing up fighting both my mum, her alcoholic husband and (as my abscent father was from another ethnicity) a lot of other kids and people in rural Sweden, I thought I had enough aggression to match hers but the fights started to seem more and more pointless and never led anywhere. I talked and talked instead but when I thought we were getting somewhere one day she seemed to have forgotten all about it the next.
We broke up and came together after a couple of months. She said that this time I better marry her, but after a couple of days it seemed she had been in a relationship with another man and though she finally broke up with him, seemingly anyway, she twists the facts and truths about it when I point out I would never had came back if I knew.
Her kids is my strongest point of reference in order to somehow validate the relationship as real. Im the only one they been introduced to and this is her strongest point whenever I question her intentions. I both like them and started to care for them.
But after every break up or me pulling back because I think we are about to break up I start to see the pattern clearer and clearer. The first weeks are great and seemingly better and better, then suddenly when I feel we are at our best she somehow pulls the carpet from under me. For instance, one evening I cook us a romantic dinner wich is followed by a night of passionate lovemaking. I had been working 6 days in a row until the day after. In the morning I cook her, me and my daughter a big breakfest. She is about to get of to her salong (part time beauty salong) to work for a couple hours. My daughter has gone of to her saturday handball match and later that evening we have made plans for us both to come over and help "princess" paint her new appartment, the new appartment we by the way spent a day helping her move into. Me and the love of my life is left on the couch snuggeling after a night I can still feel the euphoria of, Im happy! I say this out loud as I go on about me looking forward to the days off and the fotball game on TV Im finally able to see live later! Then something turns dark in her eyes and she starts to talk with me with despise. Now I start thinking of the episode I dissmissed earlier in bed as she tried to headbutt my nose when I moved into put my arms around her. Was that for real? I ask her whats wrong and she says that Im really rude because Im not offering to go to her appatment and start painting while shes at work. Im hearing what she says but my mind races to find som logical explenation for the words coming out of her mouth. I get confused and hurt looking at her with disbelief, this actually makes her look a little smug as she goes onto explain why I should just know these things. I dont want to cuddle while feeling abused so I stand up like Im on fire, that makes her furious so she starts yelling at me and runs for the door and get dressed. I dont want to fight, I just feel devestated and are left looking out the window. She calms down a little and asks me to kiss her god bye, not a bone in my body wants to kiss her now but I know it will be an issue if I dont. I get over to kiss her good bye but this also makes her mad as she can clearly se I dont want to. She runs out slamming the door! Then I dont hear anything for a couple of days leaving me wonder what happend. She never appologises for anything, never really takes responsibility for anything and whenever I confront her with a hurtfull behaviour she ends up screaming at me however tenderley I go about it.
I start to see this pattern. Other patterns that become more end more evident is with her constant being on the phone and half lies about other men as soon we been apart. Her lack of consistancy of anything she says and does, in addition I noticed that she is warmer and more loving when shes texting me than she will ever be face to face. But Im doubting it. Its like youre innocent until proving guilty and theres always a slight doubt of a crime before full confession no matter the evidence. When I try to logically talk with her about casue and effect Im "analyzing" or being a "philosopher" or self proclaimed "professor". She also calls me "kind poor little me" or "sensitive". Its hard to understand that someone that you spend 95 % of your time together listening to their cries, anxeitys and fears belitteling your problems and pretending like hers never happend. This is where my fight for reality really kicks in and gets me frustrated to the brink of madness. The calmer they are when I get into a frustrated look for truth and recognition the more frustrated I get, and round and round it goes. My mum mastered this to perfection together with evading straight questions, I could spend 2-3 hours crying, feeling I go mad trying to pin point her to answer one straight question and the more wild I got the more calm and smug she became. This is how you drive someone insane! Both my mum and "princess" likes to offer me proffesional help at this stage.
As I said, the cyclic pattern of our relationship moves faster and the ups get higher and the lows lower, but she also get more agressive with her rages. Our last bout was about a month ago when I planned to take her to a winetasting through my job and at the same time meet an old female aquintance somelier of mine I havent seen for a long time. We had been together for about two weeks this time and everything been better and more promising then ever. Three hours before we go she starts saying she might run late and I say well it starts at 9... This response seems to be wrong because I can sense something is wrong. Some times goes and she brings it up again I say we cant change the time it starts but to ensure we are counted for I can go before and she can meet up when shes done? She gets into a rage right away and tells me if that the case I can go alone, this she does infront of here brother and kids. I feel stupid. When were alone Im asking whats up with her? Shes still mad as hell and I say it doesnt even matter for me if we dont go at all. We can stay home? Nothing is right now, and how could I say something like that, should she come trailing after me? I try to calm her down and putting my palms together asks her whats really the problem, please? She starts mocking what I say and how I hold my hands. I been here before and as I see my love disapear and this woman take the stage again my heart sinks and Im making ready to go. Nothing good is on the horizon when shes in this mood. Let us take a breather and talk about this tommorow I say. But she pushes me back so voilantly that Im afraid I have to fight my way out and shes strong. Its never a good idea for a man to end up in physicall brawl with a woman even if the intention only is to push her out of my way, I can only lose. She starts to cry and look mad now and goes on about how I cant go now when I been introduced to her family. I feel sorry for her, maybe it breaks her heart if I went. I calm her down, Im not leaving. I dont feel like going out at all anymore but she does. When we get there she is sulky and distant and rude to me all through the night with some exceptions infront of others. Another thing with her is that when she gets into her rages she seems to loose even her on sense of reality and she can look lost and start doubting even basic things. She ones doubted I found a spider in my hair on a cafe toilet and she wanted to se the spider before she belived me. We been together of and on for 1 1/2 year now and even with a 6 month break she should know Im not gay but she asks on of my aquintances after a minor childish joke between us. When we leave she wants to go home but as shes still in this unpredictable sulky mood the last thing I want to do is to go back with her to her place. I know Im going to a really cold place if I do. But if I tell her Im planning to go home instead now, she will explode... So againts better judgment I take her to a bar to talk things out. We sit down and I really want to bring out this other woman. Though deep inside its starting to dawn for me that the other woman doesnt exist... We sit down and as warm and calm as possible I ask her whats really happening, trying desperatly to contact my love inside. She gets into a rage again mocking me calling me names starting to push me. Im getting angry now I had enough. I tell her that tonight I will be going home to me and she gets even more furious than I dreaded. The only reason she can come up with for me not wanting to go with her is that Im going to see someone else. Im always weary of the aggresivness inside me and with the years it takes much longer to get me furious but I know its there if pushed to much, its a survival "fight or flight" instict from my early years. My eyes locks into hers and my jaws tighten and I had enough, I want her to see a glipmse of the rage she doesnt want to awaken... But its not exactly my explosive rage I been tending in all the retreats over the years and as I take time to look at my self I feel comicly redicolous. More than that I feel sad and disgusted. Im thinking of her abusive ex I strangely always felt some symphaty with. He managed 10 years of this?! I ponder a little over who created who in that marriage... I withdraw into myself and meditation while she turns ballistic, trying to break my phone and glasses by repeatedly beating them from my hands and face calling me things. Shes all over the place screaming and waving, I never seen her like this. She storms out.. she comes back.. she text me from the lobby (hotel bar) I dont answer, she comes back hits the phone from my hands again storms out again. Shes like a wounded beast. I finish my drink quite proud of keeping my cool and temper even though I feel batterd. I even take my time to wonder how abnormal and unhealthy this really is, and how I probably ten years ago I would have made this whole situation increasingly worse. When I leave I meet her in the lobby and she starts to drag and push me wanting me to come with her but aggressively not appologetic. I ask her why the hell I would go home with someone that call me names, mocks me and beats me? She pulls at my clothes and I push her away roaring for her to get away from me. When I turn to leave she hits me in the back of my head with her bag. She later says something on a text that I cant handle my drink and that I always turn another person when Im drinking. Maybe this was true 15 years ago and I probably told her about that at some point.
Even after this Im hooked. When I go home all Im thinking is if this is it, have I lost her now? Im born into chaos like this and often wandered if Im addicted to it. What you are taught when your small becomes what you know and normal. It becomes a part of you. I know its useless to blame her the day after, nor is there any use in trying to get her to appologise as she already turn this thing around, and to be honest her last remark hit the spot. Was this me? I could drink myself sensless when young and often woke up with an anxiety worse than anything. I backtracked and even though I couldnt se what I did wrong it got me doubting just a little bit. A just wrote "I love you" in hope to undramatise the situation and letting her know I was still there for her. Clearly she has issues and if I dont blame but forgive her she can overcome her shame, seek the help she needs, get better and spend the rest of her life loving me... We texted and she blamed me as I suspected.
Later I heard that some people that I actually knew including a security guard, had seen the whole episode outside the lobby and even heard me telling her to take off. A female friend said she felt sorry for me and that it looked awfull. This touched me somehow and I knew exactly the value of keeping my cool. If I had this control when I was a kid my life and selfimage would have been different. As I was always seen upon as "troubled child" with anger issues Im starting to see what the theatrics and apperances of an dishonest manipulator can do to both others superficial views of someone but also that persons inner perception of himself.
I told this to "princess" and of course I got it all bounced back though she "appologised" for me getting her so mad that I pushed her into behaving in ways she never done before and it had left her feeling so "embarased and vulnurable"... I hoped she was to ashamed of what she had done that she wasnt ready to admitt it yet. She came around to talk. Instead of banging my head in an attempt to talk this over, I just pulled her close to me held her and talked to her lovingly with a hope she put her defences down and get real to what happend. It didnt happend, though she became my love again. We had a fantastic night my love was back and so was my defiant hope. The following days I was out in the cold again. She hardly answerd my text but was online all the time etc.. Some days went and I became furious... I forgave so much and Im in the cold?! No, no no... I broke up with her one night and it seemed like she anticipated this. I wanted to put some distance between us so I didnt pull back on the ammo but I of course got it all back and more. Now she could see the real me, the mask had come of and she could se the evil manipulating me etc. She called but I refused to answer and she erased and blocke me from FB, she later lifted the block and I believe this for me to take contact again so I wrote that she can continue blocking me and that the mere thought of her turned my stomach and that I would never contact her again... She told me thats exactly what she wanted. That was four weeks ago and in an weak moment to regain something, and after reading up on all this online, I sent a text saying something like, thank you for helping me unwillingly to find something more valuable than gold. For this I will always be thankfull... She answerd me today with asking what I found. I understand only by those words that she again opend the door for persuasion and I feel like talking to her if only to have a better ending but at this point I dont trust my self.
This is the third or fourth woman I been in a releationship with that has this traits, not counting my mother. Even though I seen the pattern and made random connections I didnt know there was so much precise psychological maping of both my own and what we refer to as "narcisstic people". I think that what hurts me the most now is similiar to the pain these people felt before shutting down, its not "evil" its their sanity that have shut down while attempting to make sense of something incredible cruel done to them. Just as I feel like shutting down my own feelings instead of being confronted with the fact that someone I loved and wanted to protect never even will recognise how much they hurt me. My mother was sexually abused by her own father and if I have have any difficulty putting my self in her place inorder to understand this pain better I can only think of my daughter going trough anything like that. Being betrayed at an early age by the one person that was supposed to love and protect you just as you where about to explore who you were and the world around you. They pretending it never happend while you froze stiff by an unexplainable crippling fear...
Thank you all for being here!