You took 3 years of my life away from me and subjected me to extremely damaging emotional abuse. You were careless with me and with my heart. You blamed me for all of our problems and projected your inner turmoil onto me even when I gave you everything and invested so much time and effort into trying to make things work. I supported you unconditionally through your long list of issues but you couldn’t offer anything even remotely similar in return to me. You lied to my face every single day and made me question my own sanity by denying things that I knew to be true. You constantly invalidated my emotions and declined even basic emotional support. You saw me suffer and how the anxiety consumed me, and in my most challenging moments seemed to enjoy kicking me down even further by belittling me. You devalued me behind my back, while telling me that you were an equal and invested partner in our “relationship”. You made endless promises to me, promises that I’m certain you knew you had no intention of keeping.
I want you to know that despite how awful you were to me, I am still living my life, and am happier than ever. I see more good in people now, and I appreciate those with kind hearts in a way I likely never would have if I hadn’t been exposed to someone as awful as you. I see through the “charm” that you lay on so thick because I know the evil that lies close beneath. The complete lack of empathy, the cold, emotionless cruel place you can get to as a result of how troubled and disordered you are inside of yourself. I no longer feel isolated or alone because I know with time it will become apparent to all who you really are…you can’t hide it forever, slowly but surely you are being exposed, your excuses and lies are unfolding. Your cousins know it, even your Grandmother knows it, and your parents most certainly do (although I think they are in denial). Switching your ‘scenery’ (N Supply) won’t result in a change, your issues run too deep, and you are only capable of controlling the evil that runs thick in your veins for so long before it comes out, slowly, invading your victims like cancer and then spreading suddenly to vital organs, sucking away all life, spirit and happiness.
I’m now trusting of my instincts. When there are red flags to get out of a situation, there’s no other option for me but to get out. Through the fog of all of this I have gained character and have come face first with my previously low self-esteem. You have absolutely no power over me anymore. I’m not your ghost, I’m not the shell of the woman I became after living with you for 2 years. I don’t have to feel guilty or as if I’m imposing on someone else’s home, I have my own home now and feel happy and free. I don’t look at you or us as a loss, I look at us as something that never should have started, and something I am extremely lucky to be free of. If I knew who you were and had the courage to stand up for myself, our relationship would not have gone past month 6. This is the only thing I have to regret.
Your “magical” thinking is absurd…that you can accomplish far below the status quo of humans and expect to “manage businesses remotely from all over the world” after taking advantage of your father to have him pay for your MBA. Your conviction that you are smarter than everyone and thus can’t relate to people, that somehow you are special, even though all of your accomplishments were handed to you by people in your life on a silver platter. You ignore the opportunities that your family have extended to you, and take absolutely everyone in your life for granted. Your sexual perversions are disturbing to say the least, and I know inside you prefer thinking about those to real, human intimacy.
Look around. All the girls you thought were the problem in your past are moving on to happier and healthier places in their lives, while you stay trapped in the jail cell that is your mind, perpetually moving through the cycle of idealization, devaluation and eventually discarding your victims. Serial emotional abuse. You won’t escape, because the only reason you are capable of living at all is to bask in a sea of lies, to act out the charade that you are perfect, and that others are flawed - to deflect blame on the people who love you and who tried hard to break the impenetrable wall that you have built up. If you could see the truth behind the circumstances that sum up your life your world would crumble apart because none of it is real or meaningful. Everything that you see wrong in people is a clear transference for the distaste you have for yourself.
So goodbye George. Goodbye to the zombie I became while dating you, the misery I lived in every day, and goodbye to a life that would have certainly destroyed me had I been exposed to it much longer.