I'm not the one who kept showing up in your life until you noticed me there
I'm not the one who was still in a relationship - regardless of your reasons for being in it
I'm not the one who pursued two - or more, women, at the same time, whilst still being in a
relationship with someone else
I'm not the one who ignored you yet had time and attention for that other woman - women
I'm not the one who constantly told you how much you meant to me - and behaved totally opposite
I'm not the one who constantly said how we needed to cultivate a strong friendship/relationship
- yet never even tried
I'm not the one who said that I cared - and then did not even blink an eye
when I became ill because of it all -
in fact you probably did not even know -
because you threw me away like a used tissue - never to be bothered with, again
I'm not the one who refused to go away after being asked to - several times
I'm not the one who encouraged you - even after pleading with you not to
I'm not the one who refused to communicate
I'm not the one who was ambiguous
I'm not the one who left you guessing and questioning your sincerity
I'm not the one who gave you reason to question if you had ulteior motives and an agenda
I'm not the one who said that his words did not contain any false words - and then ignored me
I'm not the one who said that we need to find more ways to communicate - and then ignored me
I'm not the one who said that I respect you - and then ignored me
I'm not the one who disrespected you and our " relationship " by giving my time and attention
to another man - men - , whilst ignoring you and then later claiming that I had been busy
I'm not the one who never even gave you/us a chance
I'm not the one who said that I do not enter into others lives in casual themes
- and then vanishes from my life completely
But I am the one who was left confused - with a whole tangle of mixed emotions
And I am the one who does not even have an answer to why - for all of it
And I am the one who tried to show you how much you meant to me
And I am the one who tried to form a strong friendship/relationship
And I am the one who has thought, blamed, self blamed, and obsessed, over getting answers to it all
And I am the one who obsessed - over the person that you portrayed yourself to be
And I am the one who obsessed - over what I did that was so terrible so horrible so unforgivable
And I am the one who obsessed that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough
And I am the one who obsessed about no matter what I did or which way I turned, I was doomed
And I am the one who has turned it all inwards - creating both psychological and physical damage
And I am the one who developed eating disorders and sleeping disorders
And I am the one who has behaved out of character - with aggressive behavior in reaction to your ambiguity
And I am the one who has behaved out of character - drinking in excess - taking medications that my children,
my family, my friends, and my GP, know that I DO NOT DO. EVER!
And I am the one who now will probably never trust again, no longer believes in love,
and just the thought of having a man in my life, now makes me physically ill at the thought of it
regardless of my opposing want, for it.
Yet you have moved on, without a second thought. no guilt no empathy no compassion.
no acknowledgement of the damage and complete chaos to another persons life.
No apology. no remorse.
No. Because somewhere in your disordered mind, you have convinced yourself,
that it's all my own fault..
From being the person who I opened my heart to, you have now become a memory that I pray someday to forget..
I want to forgive and to wish you well
but that is just too difficult to do, when the person who meant the most to me,
totally mocked and violated all that I believed, to be good.
Yet, you blame me......
Who are you fucking kidding..
I was going to send this to you
Unblock you and hope that you will give me some kind of closure..
but I know now, that you never will.
I know that I could never relate to someone who does not even fit my definition of " normal "
And so this is my closure.
I wish you nothing. not good, nor bad.
I simply want to forget that you ever even existed..
how bizarre it is, that that in reality, is so true.
Me and my life are my priority now.
And this is my final goodbye.