Goodbye to The Liar
Goodbye to The Liar
I am finally writing this goodbye letter. I think I haven't written it up until now because it means just that, goodbye. You see, I have been holding onto an illusion for the last 6 months since you cheated on me and left me for another woman. This time it was an illusion I created. You created the first illusion of eternal love. You came into my life and chased after me so intensely. You found out that my marriage was failing, and that I wasn't happy. You worked hard to gain my trust and have me believe that we were meant to be together. You told me you were not happy in your marriage either, and that I was the only true chance for happiness you had. You convinced me that we should divorce our mates and be together forever. Why shouldn't I trust you? Because you had already left 2 wives and were willing to leave a third one to be with me. So many red flags I ignored. I told myself, believe in him, after all haven't you "known" him for 7 years as the very nice admirable cute police officer in the town where you work?
Everyone says what a great guy he is. Go for it. Grab this chance for true love and happiness. And Prince Charming you were. I couldn't have dreamed of anything better. You listened intensely to all of the things that made my marriage fail for me. You made sure you did the exact opposite and convinced me that you loved me like no other could. In fact you told me on your knees that no other man has or could love me more than you did. Such an actor. Always getting on your knees and promising great love and life full of attentiveness for me like when you placed that engagement ring on my finger. Flowers to the office, packed picnic lunches for every day at lunch from work,working in my home, beautiful gifts, thoughtful gestures. Always the gentleman opening my car door, guiding me across the street in true protective style, telling the world on FB how much you adore me. Yes you caught my heart and soul. I was totally committed and in love like never before.
More red flags, the dark side I wanted to ignore, the side that threatened the paradise. Jealousy, intolerance, accusing me of things I didn't do like looking at other men. Picking fights with me every weekend because you could not tolerate my having to speak to my kids father. Telling me how lucky I am to have you, that you are a good catch and lots of women want you. After all you had worked your way up to Police Chief. I was so proud of you. I loved you so much.You told me constantly who was flirting with you, who wanted you, how many women were trying to get on your FB. Everywhere you went you had admirers.Hospitals, school,s police academy, local businesses, the town office above your PD (where you met, flirted, cheated with and left me for a town office clerk). Then one day you left me literally overnight.You sent flowers the day before, you brought dinner and slept with me that night. The next day we dressed and left for work, and you never returned. You came back 4 days later to gather your things. Cold and unfeeling. Blaming me. No remorse. No compassion. Not a trace of care in your eyes. No looking back. Just gone. No apology. Just those hard eyes I never saw before and the words "I am not changing my mind". Nothing made sense. How could this be true? Where was the eternal love?
You broke my heart. You destroyed my dreams and stomped on my soul. I was in a world of disbelief. No. No. No. This isn't happening. You promised if I broke up my family to be with you, which hurt my children, my dear precious children,and divorced my husband of 25 years, you would NEVER leave me. That I would NEVER be alone. How can you be doing this to me? This was a HUGE thing I did to be with you! I believed in you! I hurt three people I care about to be with you! You promised! You promised! You promised! You knew I was afraid to get divorced at that time, before I had sorted out finances, and the house I shared with my x husband, you PROMISED you would spend the rest of your life proving to me that you would NEVER LEAVE ME! And YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME! You left me here alone. You left me here with no one. You left me here with all of the house responsibilities I cannot do alone. You left me with a broken heart and destroyed and you DIDN'T CARE!. You pulled the rug out from underneath my entire world. And you DIDN'T CARE! YOU DIDN'T CARE AT ALL! It was like I never existed, like we never happened. Like you never promised a thing. You were right away with the OW. I was forgotten and erased. I was replaced just like that! You took back the car you gave me knowing I had no way to work. I couldn't function and lost my job! I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost my driver license drinking on an empty stomach and driving my car.My world fell apart. I am losing my home as I cannot maintain it alone. And on you go. Happy pictures of the two of you on FB. You just moved on and never looked back! Never cared about the broken person you left behind you! How could you! How could you do this to me! I TRUSTED YOU! YOU MADE SURE I DID! THEN YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME! YOU REALLY AND TRULY LEFT ME AND YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK!
The second illusion as I mentioned was my own. I have lived for months suffering in the blame you gave me. I thought I lost my prince because I did something wrong. I read books on how to get your boyfriend back after he dumps you. Books written by men who say if your boyfriend left you it is because YOU made relationship mistakes that turned him off from you. I have been so tortured. My illusion was that you would return to me. That you would wake up and realize leaving me was a mistake, because you really do love me. I prayed to God that you would return and love me again. I created this world of pain and waiting. But it was an illusion I have to let go. So I am finally writing the goodbye letter.
You are a terrible person. You lie and cheat and you do not care what tragedy you leave behind you. You took two and a half years of my life away. I no longer live in my illusion. I do not want you. She can have you. I have been tortured with jealousy knowing how well you are treating her (for now). but I now remind myself that all she got from me is a liar and a cheater. You are in my mind day and night. You torture my soul. I pray for the day you are gone from my mind and soul.
In my native american culture there is the story of the brave and the snake. The brave is walking in the hills and comes across a snake. The snake begs the brave to take him down into the valley so he can be warmer and placed in the sun. The brave says I am afraid of you, you are a snake. The snake says please do not be afraid of me, I need you to help me. The brave picks up the snake and puts him under his shirt to warm the snake, and walks down to the valley. The brave finds a nice sunny spot for the snake and reaches in his shirt to place the snake in the sun. Before the snake is all the way out of the shirt he bites the brave. The brave says you bit me! You said I didn't need to be afraid of you and I helped you! Why did you bite me? The snake said, you knew what I was when you picked me up.
So there it is. A childhood story that should have been in my head when I started with you. You were a flirt. You were a cheater. You had left 3 wives. I knew what you were when I took you in.
I try not to hate you but I do. I want to ruin you but I can't. I want to see you fall, crash and burn but I won't. I need to let go. Let go of hate, hurt, jealousy, and my abandoned feelings, and yes, even my continued love for you, and my secret wish that we were together and happy again. I have a TON of healing to do. I will never understand your sick mind despite being a highly trained and licensed therapist.I am smart, and educated. I am true and good. I forgive myself cheating and being with you in that way. I forgive myself for believing in you. I forgive myself for hurting others to be with you, your wife, my husband, and my children. I do not forgive you. This will take time, much time. I wish you misery, and life long torture. I am ashamed of this but at this moment it is true.
I do not know how you lay your head on your pillow at night and sleep peacefully, how your lies and mean ways do not haunt you. I do not know how you look in the mirror and like who you see staring back at you. You hurt me beyond belief. I have never experienced such betrayal and deceit in my entire life.
Goodbye JF. You are the biggest liar and the most hurtful person I have ever known. You said no one could ever love me more than you do. I pray to God that is NOT true..