Farewell to One Messed Up Guy...
Farewell to One Messed Up Guy...
Dear deluded one,
I deliberated on whether I should write this so soon after going NC with you only a short while ago, but then I realized that I really really want nothing to do with you. I do not want to leave any door open to you creeping in...because you know that is what you would do...and then you would make me feel like crap all over again.
I remember in the beginning when you and I were in the "co-workers, just friends" stage. You were so wonderful, so thoughtful, attentive, a leader, a great teacher. You supported me in an extremely difficult work environment. You seemed like exactly what I wanted in a man. There was a moment when we went out for coffee and I heard you talking to the staff. I remember thinking "wow, he is so charming." I even told you that. You laughed...embarrassed. Holy s**t, was that ever a red flag...I just didn't see it. How I wish I had someone yelling at me to "watch out."
I was the perfect target for you. I was married (though not happily), a giver, pleaser and totally in awe of you. You swept me off my feet. I was in heaven. Then it all came crashing down one strange day. I had seen inklings of your temper at work and heard a little talk, but was loyal to you and did not believe what people were hinting at.
Then one day, your cold, mean spirit came out and honestly after that day something broke. You revealed your true self. It was ugly and horrible. You became this manipulative person and I fell for it every time. You wouldn't let me in because you knew it hurt me. You would say mean and callous things to me with little regard to how it may impact me (though in retrospect I think you knew exactly what you were doing). Everyday, I had no idea what I would be seeing.
You put me into an incredibly dangerous situation at work and you know it. God, that was an asshole move. You belittled me in front of staff. You would be cruel and then "check on me to see if I was okay." Holy crap, abusive cycle. I fell for it over and over again. You blamed me for things I had nothing to do with at work. You yelled at me and called me a "f@#king bitch" and a "F@#king idiot". I always ended up apologising because it seemed the safest thing to do.
Yes, the sex was amazing, though I'm not going to lie you were a little on the selfish side and I thought towards the end a little lame. I know you used me. I know that now so well. I wish that I could YELL at you. tell you what an asshole I think you are.
You would tell me all the time how great your wife is and all of the amazing things she does. What the hell are you doing then? Seriously, why why why would you do that to her? I know I was unhappy in my relationship (of course, I'm not say that makes it okay), but you always maintained everything was so amazing. You are delusional. You are a sick, messed up man.
I think that you liked to control me. I think you like to blame me for everything. You would be so kind one minute and then turn around and ignore me. I would be in a state of confusion and fear all the time. If I did not meet you when you asked, you would get so angry. It was awful. You are such a douche.
AFter all of the shit we have been through and all of the effort i put in, the straw that broke the camels back was when you wrote to me in a text (we thought that this was it) that you had loved me and thought I should know it. Then a few days later you texted me that it had been a mistake for saying that to me because you didn't mean it. HOLY S**T!!!!!!! Could you have hurt me any more???!!! That was it for me. Done! Finished! Over! You are a bad, bad man. I wish people could see you for what you truly are. You are awful. Spiteful.
I think it is hilarious that you think you follow this strict code of ethics and always tell the truth. You are SO DELUSIONAL!!!! It is laughable how high you hold yourself up.
I'm done now. You can no longer make me feel like crap. You can no longer have that power over me. I have NEVER felt as low about myself as I did with you. I completely changed who I was. Well, I'm out. No more!
I can't wait to find myself again. Stop feeling like garbage. Be happy. And laugh at you because YOU are a loser. Sooner or later it is going to come kick you in the ass. I may never see it, but I believe it will happen.
You are a GIANT loser and I am so glad to have written this letter out. It's worth it even though I know you will never see it.