Marriage, a social trap

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#1 March 29, 2012 - 2:58am

Marriage, a social trap

Is Marriage Just A Trap?
Wendy AtterberryJanuary 15, 2009 19 Comments // relationships

A columnist for the Guardian thinks wedlock is a nothing more than a “legalised prostitution trap cum labour exploitation racket” and any woman who gets excited about her big wedding day as she painstakingly plans every last detail is just deluding herself from the ambivalence she clearly must feel about entering into such a horrible union. Behind the façade of excitement, she argues, women are really just “dubious” about marriage, which “is revealed by their desire to constantly reinforce a sense of the fated immaculacy of the day. The obsession over creating a perfect wedding is actually worry, fear, uncertainty, only sublimated and channeled.” Just what is it that women are so afraid of and uncertain about? According to the writer, it’s the tension between feeling like marriage is our “one and only opportunity to feel significant” and knowing that wedlock just “conceals at worst domestic violence and emotional abuse and, as a norm, a vast well-documented housework and childcare disparity between the sexes.” You know, if I had to guess, I’d say the writer’s parents probably had an unhappy marriage.
Lest you think she’s just some crazy, bitter woman who has a warped idea of love and relationships, she offers this: “The desire for a lifelong friendship with one loving, loyal, funny, kind, lively person is a natural wish and a genuinely sweet ideal.” Of course, this doesn’t mean such a “friendship” should be legally unionized in matrimony, something the author is quick to reiterate she has absolutely no desire for. “I know too much about the real, private, unequal life which follows the public spectacle,” she says. On second thought, maybe she really does have a warped idea of love and relationships.
So what do you guys think? Are women who get super excited about their wedding just “sublimating” their fear of and uncertainty about marriage? []

March 29, 2012 - 8:27am


Well, thanks for bursting my little pre-conditioned, socially programmed bubble! lol

I think we fall in and out of love many times, sometimes with the same person- sometimes not. Love, with any real depth, has it's ups and downs. Abuse, inequity... those things would exist were marriage a social norm, or not. They're not acceptable in or outside of any union.

This isn't going to be popular. I read something once, that said actually women are more likely to cheat, than men. That we actually desire sex more often than men. We are just less likely to speak openly about it. We're less likely to be forthcoming. Thus, research percentages are skewed. There was yet another article I've read, which delved into the kinds of men we marry. It said that, essentially, women more often marry someone we find stable, someone dependable, to raise children with. Which does not always equal, or have anything to do with lust, or attraction. Thus, we cheat with someone we find more exciting, such as a "bad boy" type. I'll try to dig these articles back up later. It was an interesting read.

March 29, 2012 - 8:28am (Reply to #19)

incognito!!! I love your

incognito!!! I love your point of view.

March 29, 2012 - 8:16am
florence (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Marriage is an Institution...

...And who wants to live in an institution!!! (Groucho Marx)

March 29, 2012 - 8:31am (Reply to #17)

Florence... woot!!!! Stone

Florence... woot!!!!

Stone walls do not a prison make
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage;
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free;
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.
~ Richard Lovelace (1618–1658), To Althea, from Prison (1649)

My Spoof:
4 walls the prison make
Social bars a cage

rest of the poem (stands as is)

March 29, 2012 - 7:03am

Problem is

men dont necessarily equate sex with love. From day one, men are preceived to be required to 'spread the seed', and women to nurture and raise the young. Sadly i think all men are destined to cheat, just because nature intended them to impregnate as many as posible, as in most animal kingdoms.
Also is it realistic to expect a man and a woman, to marry and NEVER EVER, have sexual relations with anyone else for potentially 40 plus years of marraige? Probally not.
i am in no way condoning cheating, but can see why it happens!

March 29, 2012 - 7:53am (Reply to #14)

sweetpea, yu've got an

sweetpea, yu've got an excellent point.
I think the trouble with 'marriage' lies in the compulsion.

Thank God...... I am OUT of the physical aspects now!!!!
Only the financial aspects remains... to be eased out soon.

Feel truly sorry about this whole messed up social structure.

Like.... I really AM just wayyyyyy above the man i married even though he has 60 more IQ points than me... i lost the mensa score due to my bad math

March 29, 2012 - 8:15am (Reply to #15)

I know

I know of couples who have been married a long time and are happy, but one or other has cheated to some degree. I feel to expect one person to be your 'everything' for the whole of your life is a tall order.
when i was physically with narc, he was wonderful, even at the end (he was never physically or verbally abusive)i was soooo happy in his presence. But the cheating, when i eventually found out about it, i just could not handle it, some people can shut it out if the life they have with that person is good, is that a bad thing? i guess that's for the individual and what works for them.

March 29, 2012 - 6:35am

Hi girls thank you for

Hi girls thank you for posting your thoughts re marriage. It is exactly same as mine. what's worse in my case is that this was an 'arranged' marriage...somewhat like a cattle breeding station. I did try my best to resist this fate, but destiny did override.

stuck here till my kid grows up and affords me a small pad to stay on my own. look forward to that is not very very far away. still, the intervening couple years now is killing me.

March 29, 2012 - 6:42am (Reply to #8)

I am sorry you feel so

I am sorry you feel so trapped that is heartbreaking for me to read. Why do you think you have to stay for the kids if you dont mind me asking?

March 29, 2012 - 7:57am (Reply to #9)

Sunrising !!!! No no....yu

Sunrising !!!!

No no....yu must never feel sorry for me. I am a Survivor. Survived due to Lisa, Goldie, Scoop, Hunter, Sparrow, Used....and evvvry dear sis here. I look upon this site as Angels Anonymous.

I feel frustrated, irritated, bugged, trapped........... BUT do not feel sorry for myself. VERY Important for survival. I know I am a fantastic woman...have no doubts on that. Just that, I miscalculated plenty of things in life...and spun into this abyss. I am trying to clamber my way out now.

March 29, 2012 - 8:13am (Reply to #10)

You have an incredible

You have an incredible attitude and yes, you are a fantastic powerfully strong women!!!

March 29, 2012 - 9:01am (Reply to #11)

Thanx sunrising :D I owe my

Thanx sunrising :D

I owe my survival entirely to the good people in my life. They are all located at this forum. O:)

March 29, 2012 - 9:07am (Reply to #12)

I wish I would have found

I wish I would have found this site prior to leaving like you. You are right you are strong and will do great when you finally are able to leave.

March 29, 2012 - 5:34am

I have often ponder this very

I have often ponder this very subject. I too will not marry a second time nor did I want to marry my husband originally he just keep pushing me because his friends were all getting married and he knew his mask would slip. I think our society puts pressure on women that if they do not marry they are a failure where as if a man does not marry it is praised.

I read a study once and this was the conclusion:

single women are happier than married women and married men are happier than single men.

This says it all a single women does not have to cater to someones every needs she can focus on her and her friends. When I was in high school and college life was simple, the biggest thing you had to do was to grow into yourself where marriage you are still growing into yourself but now you have to help a man grow into himself or with our husbands make them actual grow up and be accountable which is an impossible task and do all the chores...just plan exhausting.

When I hear the debate about should such an such group be allowed to legally marry, I just think they should just make marriage illegal for everyone that way you are not trapped into a relationship. When you marry you are not just marrying your spouse you are also marrying the state you live in and in order to end the marriage you have to follow the state divorce rules and the only ones that makes out are the f***in lawyers once again you are trapped until your lawyer quits playing games to drag your divorce along to milk you for every penny he can. YOu have to sit in court and have a judge decide your future life based on your spouses pathological lying.

Todays men are addicted to porn (52 % of marriages are failing because of porn addiction), want to run around and do what ever they want but still have the little lady at home waiting on him had an foot. 50 % of marriages fail, My guess of the other 50% that work out 25% of the women are miserable but because of their beliefs or financial they stay. That leaves 25% that are happy or 1 in 4 marriages. And yes my parents are still married and are happy but it is a different generation where religion played a big part in their daily actions now men dont care about how their actions or impact others. Therapist are saying their are more narcissist today then ever before (scary).

Girls and young women are stronger mentally these days the have had power full messages given to them from Oprah and other shows to say I dont need a man in my life to be happy.

I think if girls were given the true info about N and P when they were in high school and the tools to spot them when they grew up they would not marry they would just test the waters to make sure the mask of their mate did not slip.

March 29, 2012 - 6:42am (Reply to #6)

my reason for being still

my reason for being still stuck here is purely financial.

Thank God....... i never had any emotions invested ..only EGO was invested and now cleaned out.

as i said.... i am waiting for my exit. Reached end stage matrimonial failure...hehe..

In a way, I am GLAD this drama is over. Done and dusted. Like those fadeout powerpoint slides///

March 29, 2012 - 5:47am (Reply to #4)

Sunrising I think you've

Sunrising I think you've nailed it :)

March 29, 2012 - 5:49am (Reply to #5)

Good morning B, lived in a

Good morning B, lived in a bad marriage way to long and had plenty of time to ponder marriage (haha)

March 29, 2012 - 3:14am

For me personally I would not

For me personally I would not marry a second time.

It is a cruel shock to have the love that I felt for him not reciprocated. Even worse that it was an illusion, a scam. A game.

Not only this, but my marriage to my husband never had any passion. He was 'safe' in that I didn't see the violence and cheating I witnessed growing up. However he is emotionally inept. He does not have the capacity to return my love, my excitement, my drive, my passion, my focus or my energy. I eventually gave up...he sucked the life out of me in a different way. He wasn't abusive, we are just not compatible as intimate partners.

I want a partner in crime...someone who 'believes' in something, someone who strives, someone who feels, someone who is passionate.

I don't need a ring, or an extravagant celebration or a spectical to prove to myself or others that I'm in 'love' or I've made some socially acceptable 'league.'

I think it is the choice of the individual and the importance this tradition has to each and everyone of us differs across race, culture, nationality, community and then ultimately rests with the individual.

For me I'll be lucky to ever be in a relationship again. I'm 38 and feel I've already experienced the love of my life. Unfortunately he wasn't capable of loving me back....


March 29, 2012 - 6:37am (Reply to #2)

bgirl, there's an old

bgirl, there's an old saying......... Fate never allows us to marry the one we love, and makes sure we can never love the one we are ordered to marry.

Catch 22

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