Not sure if I'm ready for this...
Not sure if I'm ready for this...
For group we are supposed to write our goodbye letters. I have been avoiding this all week. I don't know if I'm quite ready for goodbye - but I will give it a try...
As much as it pains me to do it, I must say goodbye to you. I wish I could say I was angry, and that I hated you. But I don't. I do know however, that I never want to see you again, and that you have really, really done some damage to me!
I had such high hopes for us! I was going to leave my husband of 18 years for you! You promised me that you would love me forever, and you would take care of me. You said that you would wait for me. Well you never even gave me a chance! It always seemed like it was more important that you have me NOW. More important even than having me forever. I was like some object, some prize you had to win. Me, and my feelings never entered into the equation. It was always all about you and what you were feeling and what you wanted. You could never take into account that I had a daughter to consider. You didn't even care if I lost her. You said as much. You could never understand why I wouldn't be satisfied to just have visitation! After all, you said, that's what you had with your son. If it was good enough for you, well then it should be good enough for me. Ok, now I'm getting angry! Fuck you for putting yourself ahead of my feelings and my daughter! Fuck you!!
The worst though, is how you have made me doubt myself. I don't even know who I am anymore! You took my self esteem and crumpled it up and enmeshed it in you, and it is going to take a lot of work for me to get it back!
It was just over a year ago that you started pursuing me in earnest. Yes, you even admitted at the time that you were pursuing me. Even though I was married. Now, I take full responsibility for my involvement with you. I knew what you were doing, and I let you do it. I was fooled though. You somehow knew the exact right things to say to me to draw me in. I never felt so admired, loved, understood, trusted, talented, beautiful and important. Never. I never felt such a strong connection with someone. And you told me everything about you. All about your horrible childhood, all about your marriage, and why you were getting divorced. You trusted me with things you never told anyone, and I felt bad for you. I admired you too, since it seemed like you had overcome a lot. You kept saying we were soulmates, and I agreed.
But after only a few months, the pressure started. You couldn't just be my friend, your feelings for me were too strong. I begged you not to go. Begged you to stay my friend. You took this and ran with it. You saw my need for you, and kept manipulating it. If I wanted to be your friend, then we had to see each other more. If I wanted to be your friend, then you had to be able to hug me. You promised me you would always be my friend if you would just feel like you could hug me or hold me when you saw me. Then you had to kiss me. I feel so stupid that I followed through with all of this.
But then of course, that wasn't enough. You were in love with me, and couldn't be my friend. Well of course I was in love with you too! You knew that, you knew I wouldn't let you go. But I told you then and there that I was not going to leave my husband. I told you that. You said you knew that, that YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO LEAVE HIM. My God, do you EVER speak the truth! Because we both know that less than a week later you wanted me to PROMISE that I was going to leave him. You knew you had me. You knew I would promise.
Yes, that's the way to get someone. Don't give them time to think. Pressure them into doing what you want by threatening to leave them. I don't blame you though. It worked for you with me every other time. I let you do it.
The time that followed this promise was pure hell. Every other week, and I mean literally every other week you devalued me, told me in various ways that I was not who you thought I was and that you didn't love me. Hell, you said, you thought I knew, you don't know what love is! You thought I knew that! Then there was the sexual blackmail. I had to see you and have sex when you wanted, in the way you wanted, or you wouldn't wait. I never felt like I was enough for you sexually, because it always had to be a certain way. I already had enough insecurity in that area, thank you very much! And there were times when you physically hurt me during sex, and wouldn't stop when I asked.
Yes, so every 2 weeks you would devalue me, and end our relationship. And every time this made me want you more. I tried and tried and begged and begged to get you not to leave me. Any time though that I felt I had had enough, and the abuse was too much and I tried to leave myself, you would come back begging yourself. You were sooo sorry. You would NEVER do that again. Of course you love me. Of course you know what love is. But then it 2 weeks bam - the abusive you was back, and worse than ever. And you would BLAME ME for the abuse! It was MY FAULT that you acted that way!! You even took back all of your previous apologies, and made ME apologize to YOU for making you feel humble and bad.
With all of this, I was supposed to leave my husband and my family for you. Without making any plans. I was just supposed to walk out the door and abandon my family.
You know what? Now I am angry. Really angry. I wanted to be with you. I SO wanted to be with you. But you couldn't allow me to do it the right way. You couldn't allow me to do it in a way that I felt comfortable. In a way that I could care for my daughter. The only thing that was important to you was YOU. Well, congratulations - you've got YOU. I hope you're happy.