Angela79's Story

Why do I feel like the crazy one?

I met my husband 8 years ago. I was ending another relationship and felt so lucky to meet someone like him. I was 24 years old, very successful, independent, attractive, no baggage, etc. He was 31, one year out of a 2 year relationship with a woman who "was selfish, only wanted to spend time with her family, no fun, had no friends, and they didn't have sex because he wasn't attracted to her anymore". I should've picked up on the red flags right away but I was young and naive. My own "projection" wouldn't allow me believe someone could actually treat another person this way. My own crazy childhood and abandonment issues didn't help either.

J (my N) and I dated for about 5 months before he moved into my home (that I bought a month after we started dating). His lease was up and his roommate was "awful" to live with. He lived with me for a while and never offered to pay for anything. When I brought this up, his response was "you have to live here whether I'm here or not". (huge red flag) After arguing about it, he agreed to pay me $500/month. Nine months in, he got really depressed and withdrawn. Everyone else had a problem. His boss, his "friends", his parents, etc. He was also a drinker and a partier. I didn't think this was a huge problem at this point because I was only 24 and a lot of people my age were drinkers and partiers. I just kept forgetting that he was not my age. I also started to notice that mutual friends were not that fond of him. Often saying he was "hostile" and had a huge ego. I kicked him out after 10 months because I couldn't take it anymore. This was the beginning of the end for me...

He came back...crying, in disbelief that I kicked him out, he knows he needs to work on himself, he will slow down on the nightlife, etc. I accepted, he moved back in ( probably because his new roommates were about to kick him out). He also decided now that he wanted a new car. His "old" car was too upside down to trade in, so he had someone STEAL IT so he could buy a new truck...free and clear. It has now been about a year of dating and I wanted to build a new house, on my own. He "convinced" me that if we were going to have a future together, we should buy the house together. That means: refinancing my current home loan, pulling out $35,000 to pay off his debt ($20k), take a trip to Cabo, and the rest for earnest money on our new home. So, I did. A month later, he got a DUI. (which I found out later was his 3rd) of course i paid for the attorney, the court costs, etc. Now he's "depressed" again. However, he's feeling like a loser so now he is really "ready to settle down and get his life together...right after Cabo".

Our sex life had really decreased over the last few months before our trip. I would ask him about it and get no response. After a while I stopped asking and stopped trying. It became very infrequent, of course I thought it was me. Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, "cool" enough,
etc. After Our Cabo trip (which was a blast), he got really distant and started arguing with me, staying out partying, etc. He told me he couldn't do it anymore and wanted out of our relationship! Just like that! He said he was going to visit friends in another state and would be back after the

weekend and we would talk. He came back after the weekend and said "the weekend was just what I needed. I was around other married couples and know this is the life I want. We are moving to Utah and I am going to work for Jon making $350,000 a year (commission) and you can get a job in Utah doing what you do here." of course I ask about the house we are building here and the money he owes me. He said "we'll sell the house and I will pay you back". No big deal!

He ended up moving to Utah at the beginning of the next year. But he needed (another) new truck first. So, he traded the "old" one in and got a new one. Now this one was $17,000 upside down and his payment is $850 a month. Plus he has no drivers license (DUI). The plan was, he would move to Utah and I would follow after he settled in. Therefore, we went there, bought a $350,000 house and furniture (using my savings and 100% financing on the house). Then he proposed! He bought me a gorgeous ring (with credit) and a huge fake diamond, with the promise of a real one soon. Don't ask me why I started thinking this was normal, but I accepted his proposal! He stayed in Utah for a while. Of course nothing worked out, everyone else is to blame, so he moved back home. Laid on my couch for a month, depressed, while I continued to pay his way. He would
spend money on drinks and golf, but not bills, or god forbid trying to pay me back. When I tried to talk to him, he said "you are not supportive. Kick me while I'm down!". I came home from work one day and he had just moved all of his stuff out. He called and said Im not supportive and don't
let him feel like a man. Also, I'm a controlling bitch.

I was devastated! I wanted him back! After 5 months of back and forth, him telling me how I need to change and be more supportive (because it's not always financial), and let him be a man, he finally came back. Things were better than ever...we got married 1 month later! A few month adheres got married, he said I changed and wasn't the person he married. 10 months after we married, he was completely withdrawn and said he wanted a divorce. He left me 1 month shy of our anniversary.

He moved in with MY friend and client, Brandon. Brandon told me that J was fine, we just weren't a good match, let it go. Two weeks later, Brandon called me and told me I was right and there was something wrong with him. He was depressed, sense of entitlement, drinking all the time, etc. After 2 months of being separated, J came back to me. I was stupid enough to take him back. I found out 2 weeks later he slept w/someone while we were separated. I was devastated. To this day, she is the only OW I know of. He didn't even want to have sex with me so I just assumed he wasn't very sexual anymore. He also brought home a "present" from her, if you know what I mean! I was so hurt and devastated, but I still loved him! We decided that we needed a bigger house, maybe the reason we kept fighting was because we needed more space than we had in the condo. We moved and things went pretty well for awhile.

Then J started fighting with his business partner. I found out he was stealing money from him and they split up. Of course J blamed it on me for not allowing him to spend money so he had to take it out of the business account. Shortly after, We went to Vegas for my best friends wedding (I was in the wedding). He got raging drunk the entire time and started telling people he was going to divorce me because I was a bitch and it was all about me. He called me a c*nt in front of my childhood friends. I was humiliated. He tried to leave me again after that but I told him to go. I guess I called his bluff so he decided to stay...and start counseling! Things went surprisingly well for a few months.

Then I had a charity event for work, the night before we were leaving for our annual Cabo trip. He got raging drunk and bought a $6000 vacation at the auction!! This is right after I had a conversation with him about being concerned about our finances! When I became upset, he said "typical Angela, I try to do something nice and look at how you respond!"

He became increasingly more aggitated over the next few months. Telling me his counselor said I didn't have boundaries. That his "love language" is physical touch and I dont fulfill him. Drinking heavily...yelling at women in bars, calling them c*nts, bitchs, etc. Finally, 4 months ago, he came to me and said he was done with our marriage. He said he hasn't been happy in a long time. I don't know how to communicate with him and there is too much water under the bridge. He had been stashing money, told his "friends", parents, had a place to live, new accts, etc. He said these are the reasons why he is leaving me: 1. You didn't go to my dads fathers day dinner this year 2. You're not supportive. 3. You're not emotional 4. Our living situation 5. You are too negative 6. you always want to know where I'm at, who I'm with, and what I'm doing.

I was in disbelief (not really but kinda!)! I let him go. 2 months after we separated, still nothing! He was dropping of "mail" for me at work, finding stupid reasons to see me, etc. He came to my new house 2 months ago, crying, telling me he wishes I could change because he does love me! But, he is going to file for divorce. Then as he's leaving, he said hes not sure he's going to file because he wants to be sure he's not making a mistake!! He said his counselor said that the problem was "J has grown in the marriage and i haven't". We had a couple more chats like this then he showed up at my house on Christmas morning. I was at church. He left a card on the door. I called him to say thank you and he was an ass. I filed for divorce 2 days after Christmas. He was served and he was pissed! He called me and said that was very typical of me to only be thinking of myself. He also said that I " beat him to the punch". Then he said I should've given him the space and time he needed to figure this out. But instead, I filed for divorce because it was in my timeframe. How selfish! He said all I ever talk about are my needs, my wants, etc. It's draining and exhausting!

I know I have made the right decision. Why does it still hurt? Why do I still care what people think? Why do I think he will be different with someone else? I have a great counselor. Great friends. I still feel so empty and alone. Can someone give me some reassurance?