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"Eroticized rage" or "sexualized anger"

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#1 Nov 13 - 4AM
empath
empath's picture

"Eroticized rage" or "sexualized anger"

If you are still struggling with understanding the bizarre sexual relationship you had with the N, please Google "eroticized rage" and "sexualized anger".

I found this article incredibly enlightening, and I have recommended Patrick Carnes book "The Betrayal Bond" here in previous posts.

http://www.counselormagazine.com/feature-articles-mainmenu-63/60-sex-add...

There is a reason sex with an N is so "different". Read this and please, if you have ever felt even a twinge of "jealousy" towards an OW, understand that she truly is an object to the N. Just as you were. It's really not about sex, and certainly not about love or intimacy...it's about rage and anger. And on some level we all know that already...that's what brought us here.

Wishing peace and healing for all of us.

Nov 14 - 4PM
penny
penny's picture

Can barely type . . .

and I am not sure whether to laugh, cry or barf! This article you posted has really answered so many questions of mine. Thank you for this, Empath! It is by far the most illuminating thing I have read in a very long time. My head feels like it is going to explode because I am processing it like crazy, but there is also a part of me that feels a light has been switched on inside my psyche and I am not afraid to look deeply into the dark waters. Such brave souls we are to take charge of our own healing! xx penny xx
Nov 14 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
empath
empath's picture

penny

Laugh, cry and barf...don't leave any stone unturned when it comes to purging this toxic experience. I felt the same as you, reading this. It was difficult yet necessary...it felt like the last few pieces of the puzzle fell into place. And now that I understand who he really is and WHY he is such a slut, I am so done with this.
Nov 13 - 6PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Thank you for sharing, Empath

Patrick Carnes writes some excellent articles/books on the subject of sex addiction. The Betrayal Bond is a must read for anyone suffering at the hands of a psychopath. I always knew N was a very angry person underneath the facade but, I never made the correlation between that and his sexual behavior. This article has helped clarify my confusion. N once told me that he fondled little girls at age 3 which I believed to be BS but, now, I wonder. He was probably sexualized at a very young age and maybe even molested by relatives...he was born to a 14 year old mother. He now uses sex to control, manipulate, dominate and abuse. He also witholds sex to control and manipulate and he believes ejaculation is unhealthy. He is very emotionally sadistic and he is the KING OF REVENGE. I subscribe to Counselor Magazine but, I did not back in 2000, so thanks for posting this. I don't feel jealousy either but, during my weak moments, the side affects of the trauma bonding still lurk. Even though a majority of the 8 year affair was unfulfilling, my brain constantly goes back to the few "good" memories and I stay STUCK. This attachment is so powerful...even though I know he is sick, that I was an object, that he never cared, that I was part of a harem and that most of what he said were lies...a total mind f*ck. I'm glad Carnes provided the material to help me understand what the hell happened to my brain. I have The Trauma Bond DVD and I think it's time to watch it again. Sex with a N is very different and this article is very helpful in understanding why. They have so much sex that they get very good at it.
Nov 13 - 9AM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Awesome insight

Very validating,,you are absolutely right on the head about their "intimacy" it was not about intimacy, or love, or bonding, any of that stuff we THOUGHT was going on!!! It was about their way to get power over someone, anyone, very sick. exN once said he was asexual,,said it out of context, now I know. Horrible.
Nov 13 - 7AM
freaked
freaked's picture

wow.. thank you for this post

wow.. thank you for this post Empath. so many pieces of the puzzle are coming together..can see the picture of a fiend..er..the N
Nov 13 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
empath
empath's picture

freaked

This article was difficult for me to read...however it gave me so much insight and understanding of the seething misogynistic rage that the N had, and that I always thought I was somehow "exempt" from. He does not know that I know that I was part of a harem, I pretended like I didn't know because he never flaunted it in my face...had he done that, I'd have had no choice except to leave. This article knocked every last bit of tender memory that I had for him, out of me. I feel like I've been let out of the cage...there is nothing worth remembering, none of the"great sex" was anything more thn him exorcizing his own personal demons. The man is full of contempt and loathing for women and I have seen it. Reading this article validated everything I had always sensed about his sexual explits...it was all just acting out, "punishing" his wife, his mother, me, whomever. I thought we were having sex, I didn't realize he was having temper tantrums. I feel sick, like I want to throw up, when I realize the true caliber of character he has. I had a conversation with God this morning, and thanked Him from the depths of my soul for getting me out of that sick relationshit (and yes, I even said "relationshit" to God, because Heaven only knows what else to call it!), for protecting me from catching a disease or getting pregnant, for not getting caught having an affair with him, for leaving the way that i did, without being dumped...oh I am grateful to God for so much, and especially for leading me here to this forum! I have lost every last bit of hope for him long ago, have given up on any idea of him possibly just being a hurting little boy and now I see him for the vindictive, hyper-promiscuous ignorant disordered freak that he is. And you know how I know for sure tht I really truly am breaking free from him, is because I know longer hear that little voice that used to justify his behavior...I know longer tell myself lies like "he's just really sad, so love him more" or that he's been with me so long and so consistently that I must be "special" (now I know that "special" means convenient and already well trained) and I am no longer making excuses and reasoning everything bad away because I see through the whole "romantic hero" role he has perfected over the years. I'll never speak to that N ever again, he is not worthy to shine my shoes! I am SO done with this. I wish I hadn't lost so much time to recovering , just to get to this point...just to get to this point where I finally feel repulsed instead of attracted to him. I hope feeling totally neutral and not thinking about these dark days anymore i the next step and I hope that comes soon!