WiltedRose's Story

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#1 Nov 8 - 5AM
WiltedRose's picture

WiltedRose's Story

Hello! I'm so thankful that this site exists, because while I just joined over the weekend, I've been lurking for about five months and it has helped tremendously.

In a nutshell--married to narc for over 15 years, and always knew there was something "off" about him, but I'd come directly out of a 7-year marriage to an abusive (physically/sexually/emotionally) alcoholic, so Narc seemed like a prince in comparison.

Our marriage has always been very rocky--normal people don't separate three or more times a year and then get back together.

He promised me "marriage counseling" this past summer after a particularly horrible fight between us ended up with me in the ER due to an overdose (deliberate suicide attempt)and a week-long stay in a mental institution, where one of the therapists delicately informed me that if the counseling didn't work, I needed to get out of the marriage.

Found out in my therapy about a month later that he is a probable narc. I'm sure he is, but of course the diagnosis is a guess due to his behavior.

Husband works overseas for six weeks on/then is home for six weeks. So he had to leave again about three weeks after I'd been released from the hospital, and three weeks after THAT (six weeks post-suicide attempt), he emailed me and told me he wanted a divorce.

I'd quit my job to stay home so we could spend time together when he was home, so I had no job, was here totally alone (empty-nesters), and I just couldn't believe that he'd gone from "I-love-you-take-care-of-yourself" to "flaming asshole" in less than 20 hours---online, no less. No phone calls. Skype messages and emails. That's how I got dumped.

He got back from overseas, and then yo-yo'd back and forth for a few weeks, offering to do counseling, then no, he wanted a divorce.

He interrupted a visit I had at my parents' house (they live far from us and I don't get to visit often) by driving over and offering everything I wanted to hear--we own an old house that needs much work, and he told me how we'd go home and get the flooring replaced, he already had counseling set up, etc. I fell for it, totally.

Next day, he left the state in a huff because he FOUND OUT I HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL A LAWYER AND SET UP AN APPOINTMENT WHEN HE INITIALLY TOLD ME HE WANTED A DIVORCE! I told him that he was crazy--NORMAL PEOPLE CONSULT LAWYERS when they get divorced! Set him off.

He called the next day and said he'd keep the counseling appointment, and I drove halfway home (2-day drive total) and he surprised me on the phone by saying he'd cancelled the appointment and had filed for divorce instead.

You'd think after 15+ years of crap, I'd be happy, but I fell apart yet again. He has had serious "mommy/abandonment issues" forever, and due to that, I never thought he'd really leave me.

My therapist said that he wouldn't have left if he didn't have Supply set up somewhere, and sure enough, he'd hooked up with an ex-girlfriend.

So. His offer in the divorce was: he takes everything, I take my car and $3000, and my personal belongings, and I leave.

He makes over $110,000 a year.

Yesterday I signed my proposal at my lawyer's office, and we are taking him for everything but his testicles.

Sorry so long; wanted to get it all out in one post. I can't tell you all what a blessing it is to be able to hop on here in the down moments and get picked back up. There are always tons of things going on that I can relate to.

Nov 10 - 12PM
las730's picture

Wilted Rose

I am new here too and just discovered this site - it's been a tremendous help. First I want to say I am so glad you are going for everything - not to be vindictive, that is how the system works! All of there promises are to get you to wait around longer - they never seem to follow through with anything they say. My situation wasn't a marriage - but I'm finally moving out of his house soon. He knew I've been looking and planning since June. Last night he wanted to talk about me leaving and acted like this was all new to him. It's a stupid game they play!
Nov 10 - 6AM
WiltedRose's picture

Gosh, what I have gone

Gosh, what I have gone through PALES next to your battles. Love, strength, and prayers going out to you. Thank you to all for the welcoming. I did just find out two days ago that I have a good job waiting in a new town, hours' drive away from Narc's home base. Won't go into details but he is beginning to see that his usual "commands" are running right into a brick wall now with me. I used to put up with the disrespect, etc., to a point because I didn't want to "stand up for myself too much" and ruin the possibility of a chance at reconcilition. *evil grin* So he's never dealt with me going all out, after him, at all. And while I expected to feel ugly and uncomfortable about adopting this attitude, it actually feels RIGHT--I am DEFENDING MYSELF, not going after him for the fun of being horrible to someone. Again, thanks to all for your words and the beautiful acceptance you offer. We are all sisters for reasons no one should have to be, but it is such a blessing to be able to communicate with you all.
Nov 10 - 4AM
Gaia's picture


I am fairly new here too, this is your safe house, your home to vent, everyone is very supportive and TRULY loving here. You are in for quite a ride, but not like the ride you have already endured ( for that I am very very sorry) but at least you are on the correct route, and wont end up lost into oblivion. Love, SG XX
Nov 9 - 10PM
Journey's picture

Welcome to the forum, glad

Welcome to the forum, glad you stopped lurking and decided to join in. As said before, stick with your therapist if you can - it sounds like he/she knows all about narcs which is invaluable during recovery and it's great to hear that you've got a decent sounding lawyer on your side. We're here to offer what support we can as you heal your way out of narcville! (hugs)

Journey on...

Nov 9 - 10PM
5kdznme's picture


New here too - pull up a chair. :)
Nov 9 - 10PM
5kdznme's picture


New here too - pull up a chair. :)
Nov 9 - 6PM
ally2375's picture

Ask for the testicles

By all means, ask for the testicles. It's negotiation 101; ask for something worthless that you can concede. ;) Welcome for the forum. Glad you made the leap from lurking to posting.
Nov 8 - 9AM
ordinarycourage's picture


to the forum and the beginning of your healing. Being in the anger phase will help you as you go through all the legalities of divorce. Don't worry about being nice...sounds like you aren't! Be careful about filing income tax jointly with him if you are in the separation phase. My ExN failed to withhold for taxes, unbeknownst to me, and then tried to stick me for half of an $8,000 tax bill. I wasn't working and was in school at the time. Be aware that narcs try all kinds of sneaky maneuvers in divorce proceedings. It's all just them holding on for dear life to narc supply as if it were oxygen and they were on life support. Let him find a new supplier and you will be free!
Nov 8 - 7AM
Sparrow's picture

I am so sorry that you have

I am so sorry that you have had to endure all that you have. Please know, that no one, should have the power to make you feel so helpless and unwanted that live is not worth living. Life is worth living, just not with your narc. Once you get through all the legalities of the divorce, you will start on your road to rediscovery. It won't always be a beautiful road, but it is one worth traveling.......... Good luck in your healing, your pending divorce, and please, please, stick with your therapist. A therapist is an extremely important tool to have while on your journey. Welcome to the forum.........we are here to help in any way we can. :)
Nov 8 - 6AM
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville.. Same

Welcome to Narcville.. Same guy different body.. Do not settle... Hunter
Nov 8 - 5AM
freaked's picture


I felt a camaraderie on reading your story. Really liked this line from your post:"Yesterday I signed my proposal at my lawyer's office, and we are taking him for everything but his testicles." .. how did you manage to do this? WHOA. I am looking forward to your post stating that you cleaned him out upto his bones. Maybe you reside in a first-world country and thus have a stronger legal system? Now that you are rid of that vermin you will be able to live peacefully and in dignity.
Nov 8 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
WiltedRose's picture

I managed to do that because

I managed to do that because Narc had filed for divorce, makes a ton of money while I am unemployed, and my husband has this idea that if he is paying for it or has bought it (TV, vehicles, you name it), that it is "his", so he really thinks that I am not entitled to ANYTHING we've acquired all these years. I almost fell out of the chair when my lawyer told me that I could fight for the house and one of the vehicles (not yet paid off)---that I could get the "stuff" and he had to make the payments. To be honest, we did ask for a whole lot more than I really want, so that the lawyers have some room to "bargain down" for what's really important. Hopefully his lawyer sets him straight on how the system really works (I live in the States, btw), and how much more I can screw him if it goes to trial and the judge decides what's "fair and equitable". Narc really believes that if it goes before a judge, the judge will split the debt 50/50 and I'll be stuck owing thousands of dollars. He doesn't realize that the judge will have a much different view of "fair" than he does.
Nov 10 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
freaked's picture

Wiltedrose, thumsup for your victory

I am happy for you Wiltedrose because you are somehow managing a safe exit. All the VERY best thoughts for your successful win in the courts. Divorce/separation/break up is inevitable when we are mixed up with a narc as you know. Yes..CLEAN him OUT completely. This is not revenge. it is the honorable thing to do by the universe. Glad you have a strongman lawyer and a therapist who is well versed in PD. Before I came across this forum, I did not even know about such a thing as PD. Can't describe and thank enough how grateful to the forum i will forever remain. Dear friend, like every one of us victims..you too will be feeling WHY ME. It took me close to SIX months to begin acceptance of a Truth and a Fact... that i was married off to a dangerously PD man who happens to be a very brilliant and famous person on whom lives of many depend. there was no way i could have even suspected of this terrible illness. The LIES began within days of my meeting him..and the D&D began 24 hours after we got married. I had no clue about what was happening. for 20+ YEARS i blamed myself and accepted his and his folk's verdict that perhaps i was not an amiable wife..and hence he had to seek extramarital affairs. In fact, his parents sternly told me... IT WAS NORMAL FOR A HUSBAND TO HAVE MISTRESSES...AND A WIFE MUST NOT FRET AND FIGHT ETC. This was told to me in 2001 when i stumbled upon the details of his affair and accosted his parents with the evidence...and begged them to advise their son to stop his wicked ways...by then we had a 10 yr old child... and things were at the brink with our marriage because I made a big scene regarding him sleeping with the gf. subsequently.... i think ow dropped him..however, he picked up many others including prostitutes. It had been 10 YEARS of fighting and crying and begging him to stop all that horrid stuff... and this year.. on finding out that he had 'proposed marriage' to a professional hooker...and it appeared to be veering toward a case of bigamy... i decided to ZIP UP MY MOUTH and say absolutely NOTHING. I am searching around for a job so that i can move out. of course, nh is going to send me out empty handed.. and at my age i have no stamina for any more fighting. I have learnt my lessons in life...if i fight for my rights then the nh will stomp on my head even more heavily. it's like i was married to a terminally ill man...and since he died without leaving anything for my living expense..i just have to accept fate and move on.
Nov 10 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
uk lady
uk lady's picture


Welcome to the place of learning and healing. The spinning will slow down from now onwards. "Fair" is not a word in the N's vocabulary - it's all about his entitlement so yes, he is in for one hell of a shock. Keep with your therapist as they sound aware of Narkdom and so will be invaluable during your path forward. Dee x