Need your support

42 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 4 - 4PM

Winter

Need your support

I usually don’t ask for support, I find it easier for me to help others, but today I really need it. So, have been NC for 5 months now. A lot of pain during the first 3 months. Then, after I joined this forum, I felt much better. Love to come to this safe place, reading your stories, mutual support, love the kind and friendly ambiance. Last few weeks were really good, I even did not think about him most of the time as before. I was joyful, life was beautiful again.

Since I left the narc end of May he periodically hover me. A month ago he sent me hovering email and a sms. I kept NC. Keeping NC is not difficult for me, but I am emotionally triggered.

This morning I received another email with the subject “Help me”. The message is about how much he is thinking about me, missing me and that knows I will not answer him back, but he wants me to know that he will never forget me and that having me in his life was his bounty. That many things happened to him since we last spoken, that he is wondering “what if this, what if that” and that he has nobody to share it with. And he really thankful for everything I did for him and that he is sorry for every sadness he brought to my life because the only thing I deserve is happiness, so “Live, Laugh and Love”

Here I am emotionally triggered again... Of course I will not break NC, I just feel low and I need your words of encouragement.

Thank you
Winter

#2 Nov 6 - 6PM

Susan32

When they say "help me"

It's very hard when you find out the person who's crying out "help me" really is putting on an act. Naturally, it's human instinct, when a person says "HELP ME!!!" we assume they mean it. After the final D&D (mainly because I had gotten so emotionally distant, and my tears were a purely private matter, as was my anger)... the ex-Psych (psychopath) said that his cries for help, how he came to me for support (usually emotional)... was JUST AN ACT. I was thrown for a loop. In some ways, I took it harder than the romantic rejection. Especially after all he had done with his "you're not taking me seriously" act. He talked about how being a teacher was just a role for him. Being romantically rejected by someone? Disappointing. Being told that their needs were just an act? Shattering. I was the one who had given him support, advice, compassion... and it was REAL. By the end of the conversation, I was too shocked to cry. Profoundly puzzled. In a relationship, it's about mutually meeting each other's needs. When you really don't know the other person's needs (let alone your own),it's not possible. MY needs in the relationship weren't being met. That's why I didn't take it to the next step of dating, perhaps on to sex&marriage. *I* knew my needs weren't being unmet... and the ex-P didn't even know what his needs were. Thank goodness that dream marriage was nipped in the bud!

#3 Nov 5 - 11PM

marisha

Its puzzling to me why we all

Its puzzling to me why we all going strong with NC. . Hit 5mo mark and emotionally got sidetracked!????? Stay strong Winter!!!!!! he was nogood for U!!

#4 Nov 5 - 11PM (Reply to #40)

rosedewittbukater

5 month mark

I know...What the? I'm five months NC on Monday, and it was exactly one year ago today that I was "defriended" (though I took her back after that - what an idiot!!!) I don't know why but suddenly I am feeling really vulnerable too. Maybe something to do with the Harvest Moon? Or was that last month?

#5 Nov 5 - 10PM

rosedewittbukater

Help me?

Who is helping Winter? (besides us) This reminds me so much of my own xN. She would send these kinds of messages to me also. "Help, I am broken" or "I am sick" "I miss you, I want you" ME, ME ME!!! She knew how to push my empath buttons and it sounds like he knows your buttons too. They are shameless in these attempts. I would tell you the same thing I told myself all those times. He is showing you who he is. It really is all about them. This will never change. I know how hard this is to come to terms with, and how we all want to believe people can change for the better. But with the disordered it is an impossibility. At best they can only learn to change their behavior, (in very rare instances when they get professional counseling) but the ugliness will always be inside of them. I don't want to be with someone who has to be "taught" how to treat another human being, do you? 5 months NC is awesome! Keep it up!! We're behind you all the way!!! xx,Rose

#6 Nov 5 - 10AM

ruby01 (not verified)

Winter

You obviously have formed many friendships on this site which kinda says it all. "Help Me" F YOU, buddy!

#7 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #37)

Winter

Ruby01

Thank you, I really feel better today after I received so much support.

#8 Nov 5 - 10AM

Used

winter

we are here b/c we thought...OMG SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!, ive always loved your input here and your insight and your kindness, i know you will not break NC.....but if you are slighty tempted or sorry for him for just a nano second....PLEASE REMEMBER WHO BOUGHT YOU TO THIS SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE....... He did, with his actions ,his lie's ,his disloyalty.... He is talking bollocks, and hopes to recieve your kindness again....don't give it to him, give it to yourself...

#9 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #35)

Winter

Thank you Used, you know what?

As weird as it may sound, but if there is one thing for wich I don't regret have ever known him is the very fact that he brought me on this forum...lol...I am almost grateful to him for that. I love this place and I love people here and it became my joy to come here, read and post. I promise and I am commited: I will not give it to him, I will give to those people who care, which include my sisters and my brothers from this forum.

#10 Nov 5 - 10AM

Sea

Dear Winter

Sending you a big hug! He is trying to play with your emotions again. I know its painful but maybe worth to read that email again with a fresh pair of eyes. I noticed the same thing Syren did. Its all about how it affects him. He did not care about how u survived all these months. How you would have suffered and how you manage to get by. No. Sadly no. Its about his own "missing", "pain". Missing u doesnt mean loving u. He did nothing for u when u were suffering during NC. I am really sorry that what i said sounded so cruel. I really wish u see thru him on this contact. I happen to text narcky when i saw him the papers 10 days back and ever since he has been trying to keep in contact. No "missing u and wanting u back" messages but loads of other weird stuff i've posted some like "disordered business meeting", "look at me me me". Its indeed just all about him. Just himself, i am irrelevant. Be strong Winter. Do the Hunter way - delete delete delete. Hugs Sumiko

#11 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #33)

Winter

Dear Sea

What you said does not sound cruel: you are perfectly right. Missing and loving is not the same thing. I gave him my love and my care, he never did anything for me. He misses it, it means nothing. You are right. I will re-read his email again. Thank you

#12 Nov 5 - 10AM (Reply to #32)

Syren66 (not verified)

Oh, I pick up on the ME ME ME

Oh, I pick up on the ME ME ME crap so fast, because that is all I dealt with for 7 straight years. never once being asked so much as "how was your day?"...every single conversation was always about HIM. Even after I left and saw him out and about, our convos would be about HIM...the last time that happened, I walked away from him while he was in mid-sentence, he stopped and asked..."where are you going?"...my reply was "You do realize that is the FIRST time you have ever asked me a question about me, don't you?" at least it shut the bag of hot air up for 15 seconds.

#13 Nov 5 - 10AM

Syren66 (not verified)

ME!

Do you see that recurring theme in his email? ME ME ME ME ME...."help ME". "I am thinking about (insert object here, your name will work as far as he is concerned)". "I miss (insert object here, your name will work as far as he is concerned)" "Look what has happened to ME" (and it's all your fault because you left), blah, blah, blah.... Seriously, I wonder how many exes he bcc'd on that email today...b/c that's a script he could have written and mail merged to a hundred women at once. And you deserve happiness...who the fuck is HE to tell you anything as it relates to what you do or do not deserve?!? He still thinks he has that kind of status or power in your life? He really has NO clue who you are, does he? If the xN ever sent me anything like that, it would just piss me off to no end...what a pompous ass this guy is. Delete baby...delete! :D

#14 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #29)

Winter

Syren66

Honestly, no. I have not seen it until you and many people who replied to my post opened my eyes on it. Now, it is obvious to me and thank you to emphasize it. As far as my emotions are involved I cannot see clear and think wise. I realize now how "naturally" selfish he is. All our relationship was really all about him.

#15 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #30)

Syren66 (not verified)

Oh, I so feel you...it's

Oh, I so feel you...it's really subtle, isn't it? The all about me stuff...until you're away from it and even after you are, the chance exchange that takes place with him...it's still easy to forget...that's where I was at for the longest time...then I made a decision before I ran into him again to count how many times he talks about himself next time I see him....and sure enough! It was alllllll about him - that's the night I walked away while he was in mid-sentence because I felt nothing but boredom vacillating with contempt... These passive-aggressive types are the most dangerous of them all, imo...they abuse the shit out of you and you never realize it's even happening.

#16 Nov 5 - 10AM

onwithmylife

Winter

you ave been a great support to me, a real old timer on this board, you are strong and will get through this,i have faith in you..................

#17 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #27)

Winter

Onwithmylife

Thank you for having faith in me, it does matter so much!

#18 Nov 5 - 1AM

newbegginings

Hi lovely

To a wonderful friend, who has given me so much support, strength and encouragement over these two months I have been here. I know you have the steely determnation to move on from this, my guess is that u are not wanting to contact him, but his contact to you has rattled the cage. You are a kind soul, who wouldn't want you in their life, but not someone who doesn't even think to ask after 5 months, how have you been, what's been happening in your life, is all going good? I am still struggling and wish I could follow my advice and want him out of my life, I want your strength and attitude, to b able not not want him to contact me. I have come into this thread late and hope that your mindset is better than before. Love Timtam xxx

#19 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #25)

Winter

My sweet Timtam

Thank you for your sweet words. You were giving me a lot of support too. We have been through very similar experience. My "strength and attitude" have a very-very simple explanation: I was/am very motivated to get rid of this ennoying emotional turmoil. I want to live a whole life. With him my life was reduced to less than 1% of what it could be.

#20 Nov 4 - 7PM

GeorgiaGirl

Winter

You have been an amazing source of encouragement and wisdom to me, Winter. You have been a calm voice in the storm and you will move past this just fine. Our heads and our hearts don't seem to communicate very well at times and 5 months is a tough time. To me it felt like he "knew" I was starting to move heal/move forward = bring out the big guns! Give yourself some R&R, take a break from the world and remember how incredibly strong you are. You will be just fine! Big Hugs, GG

#21 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

Winter

Hi GG

I am so happy and honoured I could help you somehow. BTW I ve been to Alpharetta for a work trip last week and thought about you knowing you are from Georgia. My head is upset with my heart from time to time. I come across as strong, maybe because I can control my behaviour. But my heart is so weak at time and my emotions are so overweling. Thanl you so much for your support. Now I feel way better than this morning and I am so glad I asked for help here.

#22 Nov 4 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

GeorgiaGirl

I'm touched

It warms my heart that you thought of me on your recent trip! And I just wanted to say that you ARE incredibly strong or you wouldn't have made it 5 months NC. That takes strength, courage and the knowledge of what the N really is. I know how overwhelming it can be but as you have demonstrated to yourself...this too shall pass!

#23 Nov 4 - 7PM

foreverfun1

hi winter, you've given me so

hi winter, you've given me so much help and support. you're a very loving person which is rare and wonderful. he knows that too and knows how to get to you. his words sound very hollow to me. if you hurt someone the way he hurt you, would you have the balls to come back later and write a msg that basically is saying "poor me"? cuz that's the flavor of his msg "poor poor me" ugh. he's very slick to frame it,"have a good life ,blah blah blah", but its so insidious and manipulative, not the words so much as the order he writes them because it sends a feeling which is what they do. hope this makes sense he should apologize w/o trying to get you to come back to him after how he treated you he has no right to feel sorry for himself now

#24 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

Winter

Hi Foreverfun

I am so touched by what you just wrote. The tears of joy and hapiness are in my eyes to know that I have so many people who are there for me. Yes it does make perfect sense. He is trying to call to my empathy with his "poor poor me". He is not direct and straightforward in his email as usual. Just manipulative, as you wrote. And the order (not to say the "disorder") is very interesting indeed... You are so observing! Thank you!

#25 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

foreverfun1

thanks winter, omg i have

thanks winter, omg i have tears now too lol. you made my night. i'm sooo glad you didn't break no contact! LOVE

#26 Nov 4 - 6PM

a65703

First of all, your wisdom and

First of all, your wisdom and encouragement for others on this board is AMAZING. You are such a strong, compassionate woman and a SURVIVOR who sets a great example for others. I'm really happy that you are not going to give in to him. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Don't despair about being emotionally triggered. 5 months is a long time to distance yourself from a N but it is still ONLY 5 months! Everything that a Narcissist says is so manipulative and burns your soul, because they know how to twist words that will make you remember what they "say" to you SEEMINGLY forever. They are just so GOOD at that. You know he ONLY wants something. Imagine if you sent him an email that said "HELP ME" do you think he would respond or genuinely care what you wrote (unless it was saying how AWESOME he is LOL).

#27 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Winter

a65703, thank you for your kind words

It feels so good to be understood, supported. Maybe that is exactly what triggers me: deep down I know he ONLY wants something. My love, attention, admiration, affection, warmth, sex... He has nothing to give me. No, he would never help me, you are right. My needs were always ignored. Thank you also to remind me not to be too disappointed with my emotional reaction. 5 months is not 5 years after all! I hope in a few time from now I will not be triggered anymore.

#28 Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

5 months?

I thought you said he was 5 MONTHS old(!!!) There are deals at Amazon for diapers. So, if he needs one and a warm blanket, they're there. Stick a pacifier in his mouth.... If he ignores YOUR needs, and YOUR needs trump is, he could use someone to patronize and condescend to him! I would've responded with "Does baby need a burp?" "Does baby need his diaper changed?" I'd treat him like a baby... with a SMILE on my face.

#29 Nov 5 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

Winter

Love your sense of humour, Susan

Stick a pacifier in his mouth.... lol I virtually did it now and it does feel good!

#30 Nov 5 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Baby talk

I realized when I broke NC awhile back... I was being quite condescending to the ex-P. I used the same "tone" (albeit written) that I use with my 2 year old nephew. It was all a "mistake" of course. Calling the parents of a nearly 50 year old guy (and yes, they're living with him) Mommy and Daddy is condescending, isn't it? I might as well have asked about a diaper change. Sometimes my nephew will scream himself to sleep. Treat your Narc the same way. As for the diaper deals on Amazon... it's kinda expensive for a prank.

#31 Nov 4 - 4PM

uk lady

Just have to add

That when I D&D my ex (before he D&D me). Afterwards he emailed me saying that he missed talking to me - NOTE, he didn't miss me, for who I am, just missed the supply I gave him to make him see objectively through all his problems. Because I had always been the calming effect on his life problems/troubles. He even said that I had only ever been the one who had "got him" - read real mug. Makes me want to vomit nowadays. They are such a waste of time and space. Dee x

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