10 Lessons I've Learned

I'm feeling a little down today and I know it's because of the holiday weekend. Holiday's are especially hard for a lot of us because we remember how much fun we had on the last holiday with the Narc or we are thinking about how him and the OW are celebrating this weekend. I've been doing that a little and it seems to be taking a toll on me so I thought I'd post something about it and the things I've learned to help me stop the CD so I can enjoy my weekend and get the idiot out of my head!

1. NC is the only way to survive a Narc. When I break NC now I feel like an idiot and it makes me physically sick. I get nothing out of it but more lies and insanity.

2. We all break NC and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for it. It happens. Learn from the mistake and start over. It's not the end of the world. The craziness you got from breaking NC is a lesson.

3. My Prince Charming has NPD. I know you think that is obvious BUT I have finally admitted all the way down in my guts, my brain and my HEART that the man I loved with all my heart is sick and disordered. I've known that for a long time but my heart wouldn't believe it. My heart has finally realized that there is nothing I can do for him, nothing I can do to change him, and there is nothing I can do to make him love me. I get it in every aspect now. Not just my head.

4. I was cheated on, lied to, verbally abused and physically abused. None of that means I'm worthless, stupid or not loveable. It means I fell for a psycho and believed his lies and fell for his manipulation. It means I had empathy and could love with all my heart even when he was a monster.

5. I realize I have some work to do on myself. I've got some things to figure out about why I fell into this relationship when I could see all of the red flags SCREAMING. My guts were screaming and I ignored it.

6. I have finally learned that no matter how many times I try to explain anything to the Narc he doesn't hear it. This one is VERY hard for me because he keeps coming back around wanting to see me and wanting to know WHY I cut him out of my life. I've spent years trying to explain his behavior to him and nothing changed. He's a Narc.......he is never wrong. I finally quit trying to explain anything to him. It is the same as going and beating my head against a tree.

7. I've become a lot tougher, harder and smarter. I have been a doormat pretty much my whole life because I was Miss Fix-it/People Pleaser. Not anymore. I've got thick skin and no patience. I still have empathy and compassion but it has to be earned first. That may sound harsh but that is who I am now.

8. I have an amazing life. I've always known that but I appreciate it so much more now. I feel lucky to be alive sometimes because of the physical abuse I went through. My physical abuse was minor compared to some but any kind of physical abuse is ABUSE. If I had stayed with him I know it would have escalated. He had evilness in him and I was afraid of him. I look around and see things different now. I appreciate the small things.

9. I've learned that God will not leave you alone. When I prayed and begged for answers I found this site and hundreds of friends who understood exactly what I was going through. I thought I was crazy until I found this place. I have life long friends from this site now that I will cherish forever. This song reminds me of all of you on this site. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaG9SDxwPBg
When I'm having a bad day or I'm down I come to this site. I'm calling all of my angels for help. My favorite part of the song is "I won't give up if you don't give up" and I feel like that is how we take care of each other. We heal helping hold each other up.

10. I've finally admitted that the Narc will always be part of my heart and head. He won't be there everyday but he will always be there. I might always love him. I haven't figured that one out yet. I do know that I don't want him or need him and I will NEVER let him in my life again. He can stay in the back of my head because it reminds me of how I need to live my life and that I need to be careful who I let in my life and around my children. He was a very hard lesson learned but I am stronger and wiser because of him. Maybe God put him in my life so I can see how lucky and blessed I really am. Whatever the reason, it happened and I will deal with it and learn from it. Hunter has told me a million times that my Narc is never going to go away and I agree. I will still be on this site when I'm 100 trying to deal with his daily stupidity but I don't want him in my life. That is what I've learned.

Thank you all for being there for me when I acted like a crazy person and cried and RAGED! All of you have helped me grow into the person I am today. I'm bruised and beat up but not defeated because of all of you.

Love you all!

Sara