I was unfriended...why is this bothering me so much?

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#1 March 16, 2011 - 5:47pm

I was unfriended...why is this bothering me so much?

So, I thought I was healing, getting better. I have gotten over my divorce from my N.

Then I had a falling out with my friend of 20 years, who treated me badly, was and is selfish. Since the falling out she has attempted to contact me several times. Once, via text message, which i responded to via phone and message. No response. Then again, a few weeks later, another text. I responded via text. No response. One more time via instant message, again I responded. Again, no answer. So I decided that she wanted to be passive aggressive. And i needed to let it go. But this weekend I discovered she unfriended me on Facebook. We were not really talking, but it still hurt. The issues we have all stem from something she did, to me. I was too nice, too accommodating. I decided her behavior was always selfish and I was better off if she was not an active part of my life. Why do I care that she infriended me? It hurts my feelings. Like I am being punished, even tho I did not do anything. Why do i care that someone so selfish, who had no regard for my feelings, is hurting me once again. I am confused.

March 18, 2011 - 7:01pm

Went to church today

Thanks for the advice and kind words and advice.

I went to church today, to mass. I was raised Catholic but have not been a practicing Catholic in years. My ex, like most N's was anti-organized religion. So I decided to go a noon mass with some friends. The priest talked about forgiving those who hurt us, and sometimes we need to just let things be, there is nothing we an do when people hurt us. It was so appropriate and made sense. It was funny that just when I needed it, words came through in church, a place I had not been to in years. It made me feel better.

I did go on FB and set it up so only friends can see updates, and not friends of friends. So even though she is still friends with people I know, she can't see what I am doing. It's not her business. I am letting it go, there is nothing i can do. i am still hurt, but in time it will pass.

March 18, 2011 - 2:21pm

He unfriended you but you can

He unfriended you but you can BLOCK his butt. This way he can't look at anything ever again on yours. Plus you aren't tempted to look for his pic.

March 18, 2011 - 2:19pm

I think being rejected by

I think being rejected by someone that did YOU harm, is always difficult. And it triggers in us the same feelings the narc did.

Losing friendships during the aftermath of abusive narcs seems to be a common theme.

I think it's hard too because you start feeling maybe that since you are the common demonitator in all your failed relationships/friendships, that you have a problem...... instead of thinking "wow. I really have allowed alot of toxic people in my life ". ya know?

Hang in there. Losing friendships is difficult, but getting rid of toxic people....even if they are the ones to leave.....is a blessing.

You'll be better off in the long run.

March 18, 2011 - 10:20am

Hey PhoebeR

It is a lopsided relationship and most likely always has been. The FB unfriending is passive aggressive way to get the message across that this friendship is over without actually dealing with you. I understand it is hurtful but you are better off without these kind of people in your life. I have family members that are like this and I recently had to deal with letting go of a close relationship. Them more distance and time and I have realized that I am being punished for things I had nothing to do with. I won't put up with it anymore and that means not being at the affect of toxic people.



March 18, 2011 - 4:29am

phobe r

i know you are hurt, but its for the best she was never a good friend to you, i remember your other posts, some people are out to hurt people she is one of them, you are away from her now, and now you must block her for she will come back,so block her as soon as possible[i know you can do this on fb]and thank your lucky stars she cant mess with you again, no texts no anything, i finished with a friendship with nw, after taking stock of my life [after narc] and relized nw had never been a friend at all good luckxx

March 17, 2011 - 8:36pm


Thank you all so much for your comments. It is true that once you are impacted by a narc you see the others in your life. I realized how selfish she has been most of our friendship. It does hurt because although its just FB, it does seem so final. She did keep my siblings and family on her friends list, which is odd and a little psycho. So that makes it hurt more. I am learning to let this go, I did nothing wrong, I know who my friends are and will surround myself with positive people.

I pray that we all heal, we all find peace and surround ourselves with good, true people.

Hugs to you all!

March 17, 2011 - 6:55pm


Boy I know this feeling. After I found out my narc had at least four other "exclusive" girlfriends the entire time we were together--one for four years, one for a five years, one for twenty years, one since high school--HE decided to pretend I didn't exist. He lives next door to me and hasn't spoken to or looked at me for almost three months. He crosses the street to avoid my daughters and me, won't answer when we say hello, and he tells his foster child (who we knew for three years and who he and I were going to adopt) to not speak to us either. It's unbelieveable, cruel, evil. I know the feeling. He is not on Facebook but his brothers and sister in law are and they all blocked me. The indignation is sometimes almost unbearable for me. I feel like a goddamned leper walking down the street with my daughters, like I should have a freaking BELL around my neck. They do it on purpose to make US feel like the shit that THEY are--because they can't handle the shame of what they are. Maybe your "friend" is a narc, too . . . .

At any rate, narc or not, I can see how you would be triggered by this "unfriending." We are delicate creatures after being "narcissized." It shocks us because we are strong women--beyond strong. They reduce us to shrinking violets, questioning everything about ourselves. I'm not a goddamned leper. HE is. Maybe I have to actually say that out loud to myself a bunch of times a day, but at least I can say it knowing it's the truth. All he knows about the truth is that he can't face it, and neither can his family members who blocked me.

I'd rather know the truth and be avoided than go back to living with the lies he served my every minute of every day.

Don't worry to much about Facebook and about ups and downs in relationships--especially ones that didn't have much oomph left anyway. Let it go for now.


March 16, 2011 - 8:13pm
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


While you cognitively know she was unhealthy, it is still "rejection" and it stings more knowing that on a certain level, they were in the wrong, and still refuse to acknowledge it.

This of course also triggers the Narc experience.

You will find that as you go through the process many people you've been connected to also have very strong narcissistic traits...

There is some kind of magnetic force with this whole experience...not only do we shed the narcs, we end up shedding other narcs in our lives we were unaware of...

Very common phenonemon...at least on this board. I think it comes with the territory.

I'm sorry you lost a friend, but it is a period of weaning out toxicity from your life as a whole, purging and coming into a whole new "rebirth" of self...

Don't sweat it too much...keep on the side of the positive and start cultivating healthier friendships.

All the best...

March 16, 2011 - 7:41pm
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Unfriended on FB

Being punished for something you didn't do feels unfair. Unfairness hurts!! And there is the desire to "fix" something you probably can't which adds to the confusion and hurt.

March 16, 2011 - 7:29pm


'The issues we have all stem from something she did, to me. I was too nice, too accommodating. I decided her behavior was always selfish and I was better off if she was not an active part of my life."

I think that it would still hurt, even if you were the one who unfriended her. Who knows, maybe, if given a bit more time, you would have been the one to do it, instead of her? I know that, for me, when I left home, that I unknowingly, took a few bad apples along with me. Ones who were equally as toxic to me, as my home environment was. I had to face the realization that my very BEST FRIEND, was never much of a friend. I mean, she was, to the best of her ability. But the dynamic between us was unhealthy. In some ways, that bond was more difficult, and took much longer, to let go of, than the one between myself and my parents. I shared everything that happened at home, with my best friend. She was the only one I could go to. She knew this, and sometimes used it to her advantage. It wasn't right. However, with time, I was able to make some amount of peace with it. I do think about her from time to time, because she was my best friend, from grade school, through graduation! So, yeah, it was difficult. I leaned on her a lot, through the years. But there's no sense in continuing an unhealthy dynamic, if it's detrimental to my, er, your, growth. It'll just take a bit of time, and parsing apart. The pain and rejection will lessen, the further removed from it you become. That will come, in time. It's hard, it just is. It's hard to let go.

March 16, 2011 - 7:02pm

because it's final

It bothers you because she's made a decision. It's final. It's over. Before you controlled because you did not respond. Now she's saying, ok--I am no longer in touch with you. There's no going back at this point. No reconciliation. No saying she's seen the light & is sorry.

The loss of a female friend of 20 years is a sad thing. Even if it wasn't the best of friendships. You shared a lot together & grew up together in many ways.

March 16, 2011 - 7:24pm (Reply to #2)


"The loss of a female friend of 20 years is a sad thing. Even if it wasn't the best of friendships. You shared a lot together & grew up together in many ways."

I think you're spot on. That's 20 years of memories, and I'm sure there are some feelings of loyalty to the friendship that are still there. The heart can't just immediately shut off feelings of attachment and love. It's painful to let go. It's like letting go of a soul sister, of a twin. It's like losing a limb.

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