Going to lose my f***ing mind

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September 23, 2010 - 6:12pm
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Funsize...

Please don't take what I'm about to say as the pot calling the kettle black. First...think about it, if the asshat is showing his colors now...you're lucky he didn't call. SECONDLY and most important. Are you completely healed? I'm 42 also. Do you truly want to be happy? Happiness, contentment and peace does not come from another person, it comes from you. I don't know you personally - but I think it would be safe to say that if you're still on this board, you still haven't resolved a lot of the issues that are going on with you. I don't know how else to say it, but maybe you shouldn't think about dating right now? There are things you can do with friends, family or yourself that can bring you happiness without bringing in someone you know nothing about who can as we all know potentially harm you. Down the road, when you are more in tune with yourself, your judgement will be better, you'll be stronger, you'll know the red flags much better. I think you need to stay away from the dating scene for a while, you have nothing to lose and the potential for gain is significant. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better... Hugs.
September 23, 2010 - 6:16pm (Reply to #9)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I have everything to lose.

I have everything to lose. I have my fertility to lose. For all I know, it's already lost. I have been doing things with friends and family for YEARS in between break ups and abandonments, and I AM SICK OF IT. I swore to myself that I was not going through another Christmas as the only single person (and the eldest) of a family of six sibling. I have been more than ready to date and to marry for about eight years now. NOTHING can bring me happiness right now other than knowing I'm with a man who 100% wants to be with me, who is 100% right for me and whom I can rely on 100%. NOTHING.
September 23, 2010 - 6:33pm (Reply to #20)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Funsize - I don't mean to diminish your pain

but you don't have your fertility to lose. I lost mine at 23, before I was even married. In other words, I never had it. I had a disease. But it didn't end my world. I'm still a Mom. I agree with all who have replied. The grass isn't always greener. And you have lots of healing and soul-searching and education to do before you heal. Forget guys for now and focus on you. We all think you're worth your own effort.
September 23, 2010 - 7:02pm (Reply to #26)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

I agree Morty....

I am 42 as well, and I became infertile after 20 years of pain and disease....but I am STILL a mother. I was so blessed to adopt an amazing little boy 5 years ago....I followed the birthmom and him thru all the doctor (in utero)visits and ultrasounds and was in the delivery room when he was born. Took him home at 2 days old. My life did not end when my fertlity was taken from me....but I did need to accept and grieve the loss and open my heart to a new way. I would not change one thing (and I have had 5 abdominal surgeies, cut hip to hip), because it was that path that I had to take to get my son..... During this last 6 months I have learned so much and I am still learning....but the main thing I strive for is to have peace in my soul...true peace....and that means that I can't allow outside factors, esp. people to have an effect on me anymore. I can only control me and the way I react to things in my life. True peace means surrendering....no longer looking to others to make you whole, to heal you, to rescue you. All that I have ever needed has been inside of myself. I am strong, I am funny, I am loving and caring, I am a good person.....but somewhere along the line I forgot that and allowed other people to take a bit of my light a little at at a time. But now I am shining again and learning how to set boundaries to stay healthy....I truly am in recovery and will not date for at least a year, period. I need this time to really sort out the funk of why I am a magnet for these toxic people and heal my heart and soul. I pray that you allow yourself the same....no man can do that for you and you WILL be a mother one day...do this for your baby...heal and you will attract what you want in your life. Blessings....
September 23, 2010 - 7:36pm (Reply to #31)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Sher and Your Little Boy

Thanks for sharing your adoption story. Wonderful. My daughter is 8 and we adopted her from Central America. She was in the care of her foster mom from the time she was 2 days old until we adopted her at 4 months. And she is the light of our lives. Doensn't mean I haven't had lots of other issues to deal with - my story says it all - but my daughter has helped keep me focused and sane these past 11 months. I love her so much.
September 24, 2010 - 4:45am (Reply to #32)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Wow Morty!!

I just love hearing about adoption making families!! I am so happy you have your daughter in your life now! My son was local here in Florida and I still send the birthmom a letter and pictures every year on his birthday... Where in Central America did you adopt from? Thank you for your words Morty! Have a beautiful Friday!
September 24, 2010 - 7:32am (Reply to #33)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Birthmom

I never got to meet my daughter's birthmom. I have pictures of her though. I wish we could meet her. My daughter is from Guatemala. She will happily tell you, "I'm a Native American Mayan." =)
September 23, 2010 - 7:31pm (Reply to #27)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Sherbear,

thank you too for the lovely post and the sterling support. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that others believe that I can still be a mother. No idea. I'm starting to cry now because of all the love on this board..... XXX
September 24, 2010 - 3:00pm (Reply to #30)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

HLS,

You are already a Mom in your heart, so God will make it so for you someday. Where there is a will, there is a way. Its just not neccessarily OUR way at times. God Bless you. May your dreams come true, in their good time.
September 24, 2010 - 4:38am (Reply to #29)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

You can Funsize!!

Believe me!! I had every obstacle in the world and when the time was right, my son and I found each other!! Just continue on your path of healing. I think it is good to feel angry!! Feel it!! Dissect it!! Shout it!!! But don't let it beat you!! Feel every emotion you have too so that your heart is open and raw to slowly put back together, in a healthy way. YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know how much it hurts! Thinking of you! xoxo Sherry
September 23, 2010 - 7:39pm (Reply to #28)
better off
better off's picture

You are worth it.

You are worth it.
September 23, 2010 - 6:38pm (Reply to #21)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I am nearly in tears

at that lovely, lovely remark, Morty. Thank you so much. I have no words.
September 23, 2010 - 6:39pm (Reply to #22)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

It's True

You sound like a really cool lady and I would love to meet you someday. And I would return your phone call. =)
September 23, 2010 - 6:54pm (Reply to #23)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Morty, totally.

I'm guessing you're in the US, but if you have IM (I'm on yahoo) we could talk that way? Or on Skype?
September 23, 2010 - 7:38pm (Reply to #24)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

ask betty for my e-mail address

Funsize - ask Betty for my e-mail address. Tell her I said it was OK. And then we can figure out the best way to chat.
September 23, 2010 - 7:40pm (Reply to #25)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Morty

Groovy, will do.
September 23, 2010 - 6:33pm (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Someone up top said it....

Laws of Attraction: You said: NOTHING can bring me happiness right now other than knowing I'm with a man who 100% wants to be with me, who is 100% right for me and whom I can rely on 100%. NOTHING. Unfortunately, Narcs can smell this a mile away. To repel the NARCS, I suggest you change your way of thinking.
September 23, 2010 - 6:40pm (Reply to #17)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Yep,

I think if this guy rings me next week, I will just decline to meet him, unless he has an absolutely sterling excuse for not calling this week. I think I will just say that I don't deal with people who can't be trusted to keep their word and follow through.
September 23, 2010 - 6:59pm (Reply to #18)
better off
better off's picture

No no no.. just say, oh? I

No no no.. just say, oh? I was so busy I didn't even realize you hadn't called! Gotta run, I am too awesome to bother taking this call... ;)
September 23, 2010 - 7:22pm (Reply to #19)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

HAHAHAHAHA! LMAO!

"I'm too awesome to take this call"! That is absolute quality, better off. Oh, how I would love to say that and then just hang up1!
September 23, 2010 - 6:30pm (Reply to #14)
jen79
jen79's picture

there are women who are unable to get children

these women have to go on with life as well. Or should they all kill themselves and live unhappy for the rest of their lifes? Why we so much want children, I am truely convinced, cause it gives us a deep satisfaction to care for someone. There are other ways to do that. You can care for many people, or pets! I know what you are going through! But please don't panick now! Maybe you first have to drop the idea, let go of it - for now. You can be happy in many other ways as well, and who knows what will happen, you still have time, there are woman who got children in their late forties!
September 23, 2010 - 6:42pm (Reply to #15)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Jen sweetheart

thank you so much for the reply, Yes, that is what everyone says to me, there is still time, women can have children later and later. But every year the stakes get higher. Every year I meet someone and think "Finally!" And then it all goes to shit again, albeit in spectacular fashion this year with the narc. The only thing I can do differently is just give up. Either on life altogether, or on bothering to try and meet new people. Nothing works, so do nothing.
September 23, 2010 - 6:32pm (Reply to #10)
better off
better off's picture

:-(

Then nothing is going to bring you happiness, and I am sad for you that your grief is making you feel that way. There is no man on earth that fits that description. So, if you think you do find him, and get married, you aren't going to be happy then either. In fact you are least likely to be happy being married, because you have made it into the Holy Grail and into something it isn't going to be. You seem like such a great person, with so much going for you, it's heartbreaking to see you think none of it is worth anything. You said you've been ready to marry for eight years now but what that really meant was you were so "ready" to marry that you overlooked the red flags from a strange guy, and ended up with narcissistic psychopath because he fit your perfect man description. Like no kissing after the third date? Because that's better than being single next Christmas? Is it really?
September 23, 2010 - 6:48pm (Reply to #11)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

better off,

I am not under any illusions about marriage. I have been in long term relationships before (non-narc ones) and am fully aware that they are not some sort of magic formula that makes everything better. I don't need to be told that. All I want is something resembling a normal life with a normal family. I really, really don't see how that seems to be just too fucking much to ask. But year after year, it is. It's not like I want anything stupid, like to be some stupid bimbo Hollywood star, or a pop star, or a fucking model or anything. I JUST WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE. My parents have been married for over 60 years and are still happy together. That is my model for relationships. So why in hell is it so fucking impossible? Sorry for all the cursing but I really could put my fist through a window right now. I CANNOT STAND this wondering whether some guy is going to call or not. As the week progressed, it pressed on my mind more and more. He seemed really keen. But no call Tuesday. I said to myself, oh well, he'll probably leave it to midweek, ie Wed. No call Wed. Then I said to myself, he probably doesn't want to look too interested so he'll leave it to Thurs, because Friday is too late to make plans for a weekend dinner. No call Thurs. What am I, fucking 16? WHY IS THIS BULLSHIT STILL PART OF MY LIFE? Why can't I just live with my husband and kids like a normal woman, like all of my friends, like all of my family? Am I just not meant to be with anyone, ever again?
September 23, 2010 - 7:31pm (Reply to #13)
better off
better off's picture

As a wise friend once told

As a wise friend once told me, normal is just a setting on the dryer. And with respect, you are under enormous illusions about marriage, or else it would not be the be-all, end-all of your life. Is it wrong to want that? No, of course not, but if you don't start looking at what you HAVE instead of what you don't have, you are going to stay miserable. You will judge each and every guy as "Finally?" You aren't looking at men with clear eyes. And you are claiming you HAVE done things with friends and family and are sick of it... but that doesn't sound like you were really building your own life, you've just been waiting for it. You are waiting for life to happen instead of living it. My parents had their 50th anniversary, and I was sick through the whole celebration thinking if I have to go that long with this person I'd rather just lay down and die. While hubby is gushing over them saying what an inspiration they are. And my mom telling me to gut it out. AAAHHHH!!!!! Anyway... this is cliche, I know, but listen, one of my good friends' husband (and he IS a good one) got a brain tumor and is permanently disabled. Not the same person at all now either. This is one of the good guys. Now why in the hell did that have to happen?? But it did. But it made me pull up short and think, what if this is my last good day? Not what if I die, but what if this is the last GOOD day I have to live well, and I wasted it?
September 23, 2010 - 7:32pm (Reply to #12)
better off
better off's picture

As a wise friend once told

double post
September 23, 2010 - 6:07pm
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

AS IF IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT

AS IF IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I'M TRYING TO PURGE MY MIND AND HEART OF THIS C**T WHO EMOTIONALLY RAPED ME. NOW I CAN'T EVEN TRUST ANY OTHER MAN TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH WITH A FUCKING PHONE CALL?
September 23, 2010 - 6:37pm (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

Let it out!!! He did. He

Let it out!!! He did. He emotionally raped you. I have screamed in the shower and screamed and screamed into pillows. Maybe it's a good thing you are in your apartment by yourself, because you might need to do some screaming. You know that you don't really care that some schmo didn't call... it's just the tipping point for what the narcissist did to you. Holding you up in my prayers...
September 23, 2010 - 6:52pm (Reply to #3)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

better off,

I totally scream in my apt the whole time. I dropped some chocolates on the floor tonight and screamed in fury. When my laptop is too slow bringing up a website, I scream. When there are too many clothes on the floor of my bedroom because I just can't be arsed to pick them up, and I trip over them, I hurl them across the room and scream in fury. Sometimes I wonder am I going to be angry all my life. I think the anger is the worst because I don't know what to do with it.
September 23, 2010 - 7:18pm (Reply to #4)
better off
better off's picture

Stop screaming about a slow

Stop screaming about a slow internet connection and start screaming about your true pain.
September 23, 2010 - 7:39pm (Reply to #5)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

The slow internet connection

is just a catalyst for the screaming. Career has been going well lately so during the day I don't really have time to get angry. But late at night, alone, bored, nostalgic and bitter, is a different matter. Add in some alcohol, and some guy who SAYS he wants to have dinner with you but clearly has no clue what he actually wants, and it just tips off the scale.
September 24, 2010 - 1:02am (Reply to #6)
no more
no more's picture

Funsize

i don't mean at all to diminish your thoughts or pain of being alone. I have been on my own now for 27 years. Yes I do have a 28 year old son that is my life savior and the luv of my life. I truly don't know how I would have survived to now without him. But he now lives away from me and I don't speak to him everyday by any means. I had him when I was married to his n father, who left me when my son was 1 year old,,,I can tell you there is no promise that if you do meet someone and have a child with him that the relationship will last. That wasw always the last thought on my mind back then. But my EXNH left me for some OW and I was left to raise our son on my own. Times were tough but yes I was glad to have my son to take the focus off my divorce. That was 27 years ago and I still have no romantic partner in my life. i have had 2 more N relationships ( 1 for 11 years and 1for 4 years) since then and if that is all there is out there then yes I would rather be on my own. After my EXNH I took 8 years on my own to regroup and did some couselling to try to heal. Then after the next Narc I took five more years off and did some more counselling and went to group therapy about Learning to heal after a realtionship break up. I met so many hurting but good people just like us wanting something better for our lives. I too have formed many good and lasting relationships over the years through this group therapy,,because we all know what each other is going thru,,because we have all been there before and can help each other thru these rough times. And to tell you the honest to goodness truth is that even when I was in my last 2 N relationships,,I definetly have shared the best times over the years with my friends. We are all still dealing with the hurt and pain our breakups caused us but we do not dwell on that ANYMORE,,,We try to just get together and have girltime fiendship. We plan trips,suppers, birthdyas, holidays, movies, coffee etc etc. WE have a bond that cannot be broken. I have had to get rid of some of my toxic friends lately,,but at least I know and still have my true friends. Maybe you could look into something like this,,I cannnot express how fortunate I was to find such a group of people,,,both male and female. I have remained friends with only one of the men and I can actually say he has become my best friend ever,,he is gay,,,but you know he always calls to check in on me several times a week and has told me he can sense when I am down and that he will never stop just giving me those random phonecalls. Please don't hook up with some man just to fulfill your options of having a baby,,,yes it is the greatest experience God has given me, but maybe you can look at other options. I guess you can sort of say I,just had a sperm donor also,,but I would definitely be looking at other options for you,,I would be myself but I am so over the hill now and can't consider this for myself at all,,so I am off to buy myself a dog,,,LOL You are on this board for a reason and you are not alone,,we are all here for the same reason and need to keep up our suuport to everyone. We all need some confirmation that we will get past and beyond this,,,and I know we all will,,,been there done that and i have had to turn the page a few times on my life now. Like an old friends always says to me,,,you have always had to find new ways to reinvent yourself,,,,so I know this is just a down period for me now,,,but I will survive and be victorious once again. BIG HUGS to all of you on this site!!!!

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

September 25, 2010 - 1:36am (Reply to #7)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

You CAN get thru this....

My narc started dating up a storm. Fling, AFF, swing sites, radio stations (think howards stern type) and had 6000 texts in a month. I did date for a while, to prove that I could. Got dressed to the 9's, made him jealous, wore the heels he bought me. And it was freaking exhausting. It is NOT my style. I am tall, tan, leggy and blonde. And is dating skanks and already had an STD scare! Still, even though I did have the looks, guys wouldn't call ME back. After two dates, I wouldn't get a return call and I wasn't chasing....So, I deleted them. Not what a wounded person needs Post Narc, as Michele said. She is right. I deleted my dating profile. Focused on me. So, I got tired of trying to keep up. It was killing me. I started doing stuff I liked. I went one day and caught butterflies for the metroparks for the butterfly garden and got to release them in the butterfly garden. I was running around the fields like an idiot with a net catching freaking butterflies. And it was quiet peaceful in the garden with butterflies all around. And I made some nerdy butterfly friends, it was free and I didn't think about my stinky soon to be ex at all. It was good for MY soul. Also, that law of attraction? It is TRUE! My last ex I divorced, it was ugly. I asked for it,(I filed) he was a cop and he married his mistress of whom I got to find out about their affair in the local newspaper as she was a witness in the case...,not a good way to wake up... Anyways, we have kids together and I worked very, very hard to not hate him, pray for his happiness and work together for the sake of the kids. And when I told him I was divorcing the N, he could have had a AHHAHAHHAHAH told you so moment, but instead, I got more support from HIM in 30 minutes on the phone, than in 7 yrs of marriage with my narc telling me to NOT give up on love, that I am young still and beautiful and that he will help me with the kids schedules and that he knew I didn't enter into it with the intentions of it not working out. It isn't easy to throw out the energy you wish to attract, but fully believe, if you love yourself and don't carry around a whole lot of anger in your life and focus on the good in each day that life gives you back what you put out there. Hang in there, kiddo. We love you! :D “These then are my last words to you. Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.” William James

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache