TNR1's story

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#1 May 23 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

TNR1's story

Hi all,

I was involved with a guy who definately fits the N criteria for almost 2 yrs. Last month he D'd me and it completely blindsided me. It wasn't anything specific he said, it was the angry tone (as if I had disappointed him)and his matter of fact replies. I admit, I did try to contact him. A couple of times he responded, a couple of times he ignored me. I haven't tried contacting him since earlier this month, but there are times I am desperate to because I want closure (well..truthfully I want him back)

When I first met him, I couldn't believe how lucky I was. It was an accidental meeting and the amount of attention that he showed me was intoxicating. Looking back, I've known all along that this was not sustainable, but I feel like the colors and hues of my world have darkened just a bit since his departure. I feel like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms and it simply sucks!

My therapist has stated that Ns speak in the moment. So, when they say "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" it is only in that moment (because they are commitment/intimacy phobic). It doesn't mean that they will feel the same way the next day.

I am glad to have found this site and these forums. Reading what others have said helps to keep me grounded and remember that I cannot possibly get back to what we had initially (as much as I want to).

Jul 1 - 10AM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

I think we can relate to one another

Here is my old old email : dramaqueen236632@yahoo.com. Email me and I will give you my most recent.
Jul 10 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I emailed you back

Hey Sarah.. It took a few days for me to figure out that you had posted in my story. I have emailed you. Would love to hear from you.
May 23 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome TNR1

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing. It will answer many questions before you ask them. PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going if you feel the need for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with ASAP! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers Maintain NO CONTACT! remember: YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 23 - 2PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I think your therapist hit

I think your therapist hit it on the head when she stated they only speak in the moment. The fact is they are incapable of love. They do not think or feel like us. They are not "normal people" in any sense. So when i came to the realization that i could continue to peruse this person that is incapable of ever loving me, showing me respect or making a commitment, i had to ask myself "is this what i want out of life?, is this the best i can hope or settle for? Am i worth more?" Even through all the abuse, i know in my heart i deserve better. I know there is far more to life than this. So i opted to go through the pain of NC and recover from my PTSD. I know when i reach the other side my life will be so much better. I can see it little by little everyday. Baby steps as they say. Just make the decision in your heart, set your path and stand firm. You might just be surprised what you find on the other side. I smile far more today than yesterday. Its time for me to give myself the attention i wasted on him for those years. I wish you the best

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

May 23 - 2PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

When a narc says he loves

When a narc says he loves you he is lying . Its not that they feel it at that moment they can not feel anything , they never have felt anything and they never will maybe they feel anger and fear but its not how we feel . Us normal people we feel normal emotions but they dont know what they are . Its so hard to get your head around , i know what it is like to want to pick up the phone and i know what it is like to not be able to walk away , i had boots of lead . Keep no contact , i have only just got it and its chilling . Order women who love psycopaths it tells it as it is . They are never going to change , you cant love them out of it , they where born diffrent to us .. Try this one for an exsample , you wouldnt expect a person with down syndrome to become a doctor , its just the same thing you cant expect a psycopath to love ... its imposible . Big love to you guys Scoop x
May 23 - 12PM
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Hi TNR

I also used to thank God for bringing my XN into my life, he was everything I ever dreamed of..I thought! In the beggining it is excruciating to keep NC, its on ur mind every minute of everyday to call him or asking y doesnt he just call. Ull pick up the phone a million times to call and check messages! My advice DONT DO IT..NC is, believe it or not the only way to heal. U will never get closure from him or anyhtin emotional that u need. NC was and is still very difficult for me, I thought id go crazy! What gets me thru is I think..he knows my number and he knows where I am, if he wanted contact he would contact me, hes not contacting me, he is not w/me bcause he does not want to! So, I remind myself, y would I want to be w/a man that does not want to b w/me?? If u contact him u will feel worse afterwards!! Very hard but doable!! Hold and love urself just a lil..Im still waiting for my world to brighten up again and I know it will. His loss!! praying for all of us to heal quickly!! smileyfacepr

smileyfacepr

May 24 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I believe the NC on the Ns

I believe the NC on the Ns part is fear. They know you can no longer play the game. Many of us have found out the real them. They need a weaker source. A naive source. So it is better for them to move on and start over with the new victim. They have predatory minds. Like a cheetah stalking a gazelle. Once the cheetah knows it cannot get the gazelle it moves on. Its very sad how shallow these Ns are. I cant imagine what life must be like in their bodies.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

May 24 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

it's not fear

they DO NOT CARE period. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Fear of friendship

Friendship is dependent on trust, honesty, mutual respect. Ns fear friendship because it means they CAN'T treat people as objects, and they CAN'T be constantly lying. In one of my last arguments with my ex-N,he told me he was "inspiring me to move on"--it was because I had figured him out. I told him to his face I didn't trust him, and was now assuming everything he said was a lie (for the sake of my own sanity/self-preservation) I came to that stunning realization (stunning to me) because I noticed how my ex-N's colleagues tended to AVOID him. They didn't like being around him. They didn't like his company. I learned the hard way.
May 23 - 12PM
stillsinging
stillsinging's picture

I'm so glad about these

I'm so glad about these forums too and your therapist's comment about in the moment explains a lot, i've thought of it myself but nice to have confirmation. so watch out, yours might have another you 'moment' in a while! and i know what you mean about muted colours. i'm officially still with mine in a long distance rel. but as i write he is flirting or more with someone else, been ignoring me for days and i think i should dump him but ... sort of hoping although i know it won't work that now i've really got this N thing i can see him a bit more, amour plated, not expect anything, take the good bits, not fall for any of the soulmate thing but not let on and put myself off him. i feel that the only closure i could get is to see him again but not want him cos of what i know...but also know that it will most likely just feed my addiction as it has the other times. it is torture to have in my mind what he said to me a week and that right this minute he is weighing up the short or long term possibilities with someone else. at first i thought i would will him remember our love with this temptation but having read these boards i see that whatever the outcome in this instance, that is how he is and will not change, only i can. i wish id di n't care and could just use him likek he does me then blank him out in between. i know i need to focus on my own life and goals before i lose too much and have already wasted too much time... and yet and yet
May 23 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

The "last word"

Hi stillsinging I tried to treat the entire relationship as if it could end at any point, so I would mentally treat each time we were together as the last one. The problem for me was, after every time, I craved yet another time. Also, the N I was seeing was astute enough to know when I was pulling away and he would hit me with enough charm to make me want him again. Thus my grand thought that I could end it quickly went out the window. The last time I saw my ex N, he told me how special I was to him so I wasn't at all prepared for the D&D. If you are able to take your emotions out of the encounter perhaps you can succeed where I didn't. But then, even if you succeed at being the one to end the relationship, that is not how he will spin it with future partners, friends and family members. An ending relationship is always the partner's fault and it is just a matter of how they spin it.
May 23 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

I did the same!!

hey TNR... me too..never took 1 single moment for granted in 7 yrs....I could not get enough of him, I adored him, I think thats our problem we need to get to a piont where we adore ourselves..I am working very hard on it..dont know how but im gonna do it and u can too!!! smileyfacepr

smileyfacepr