1 yr.

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 17 - 11PM

grossot

1 yr.

Well, yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I found out about N's affairs.

I feel good.

I've not really even been able to be sad because now when I think about my life's situation, I'm so ecstatic to have gotten out. God delivered me from evil.

So I just wanted to give hope to you out there who may be struggling with the newness of it all. I am a different person today than I was 1 year ago.

One year ago I was sobbing in a Dr's office asking for an anti anxiety med so I could breath. I was curled up in the fetal position 80% of the day. I was spiraling into an out of control fast that led me to lose 30 lbs I couldn't afford. My work suffered. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't brush my teeth without sobbing. The D&D continued for 6 weeks. Then my parents pulled me out. They couldn't watch me live like that. I had demanded N leave but he kept coming back to insult and berate me, ambiently, of course, still without my knowledge. 12 years and I hadn't a clue that he was abusing me. I'm not sure even to this day he knows. He can talk himself into anything. Actually, he can talk anyone into anything (that is, of course, except for me!).

Today, I'm free. There are no invisible chains tying me down. I can dream without being let down. I can buy a shirt on sale without feeling guilty. I can leave the dishes in the sink at night. I can listen the same song over and over. I can make mashed potatoes my way. I can love my daughter with all my heart (not with what's left after I gave to N), I can go back to school, I can go to the doctor, I can be heard, I can breathe......

Knowledge is power. I know that's cliche but I don't care. Once I have grasped the concept of Nism and learned the No Contact Rule....I've soared above the dark place I was in one year ago. If you are on this site and feel the desperate pit in your stomach that I know so well ~ IT'S GOING TO LEAVE!

Do EVERYTHING you read on this site. Also support Barbara's site. You will gain a wealth of knowledge in both places. Do not read Sam Vaknin's stuff - he's full of (enter your own disgustingly wretched 4 letter word here) :-]

To all those who have supported me (Lisa, Barbara, quietude, better off, Mallory, Leah, 4joys, everyone):
You are true friends. I couldn't have done this without you. I still have a long road to go and that means I get to keep coming on this awesome site. Thx. :`)

I'm not trying to push my faith here but I'm leaving this post with a story that reflects my faith to offer some small sense of hope for those of you dealing with that desperate feeling:

A few days ago my little girl and I were singing in my car. No music - just our voices. Silent Night is what we sang.
When we got to the part that says, "Christ the Savior is Born" I choked. I can't sing that anymore without breaking into tears of joy. Those words. It means something now; It did before too but I was too numb - even when I thought I was happy. I was dead. Christ was Born to carry the burdens we feel. So I gave my burdens to Him. Simple. Complete. No more fear. No more nightmares. No more. Just.....no more.

I don't know how you may chose to do it but give your burdens up. If you can't do it today, do it tomorrow. Just know - it will happen.

I know, of course, there will be trials. N continues to control, manipulate, and play the victim. He recently sent me a picture of our fist apartment together saying "We had some good times here didn't we?" 6 months ago - I would have fallen apart. But I'm stronger now....I see that as an attempt to soften me up and give in on divorce issues. What N doesn't know is that he's figured out. He's not going to get away with the charm this time. He's going to fall and it won't be my fault. It never was, afterall.

Thanks for reading.

#2 Nov 25 - 9PM

grossot

Secrets of the Survivor

Carolyn ~ I'm glad you've gotten to the sweeter place. 7 yrs. But you did it. This website has sped my recovery and I'm thankful for it and all of you who share your hearts on here. Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. In rereading some posts on here, I feel like sharing something here that we all know but cannot express to N or proxy or those who haven't a clue what we've been through. ~SECRETS OF THE SURVIVOR~ Now it's Narc who's in the dark We used to be there too Until that blessed day When, necessarily, we'd depart Yes, once we were Perfect Prey But now ~ it doesn't have to Be that way, because of wonderful Fabulous D&D day You see, On that crazy, terrifying day Narc fell prey And we, the Survivor, Have this to say: We have a secret sweeter than ever We are SURVIVORs Not victims And we'll do this together Narc thought he had won But no! Think Again NO CONTACT at ALL Now who's having fun? Our saving Grace: NO CONTACT! We are SURVIVORS, not VICTIMS Narc's games are ERASED! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#3 Nov 26 - 4AM (Reply to #18)

Ellen

Grossot

Hi Grossot, I like it D&D day not D Day hey! I think you covered it in that poem. I bet writing has helpe you a lot.

#4 Nov 24 - 5PM

Carolyn

You did, in one year, what

You did, in one year, what took me 7 years. I think you feel relief not to have to put up with abuse and as Christmas draws nearer you know you are free from his ruining your holiday fun. that was what the picture of your old apartment was about to make you feel regret, sadness for the past, whatever negative emotions he could manipulate you into. the website opens the doors to information so at least the women will know what happened to them. these narcissists are the emotional version of hurricane Katrina for many people. they are just a storm of problem causing, intentional infliction of emotional harm, and crazy making. They are so destructive that many people who have been victimied by them wonder if they will ever have another happy day. Now you gave them the answer. There is life after a naricssist and it is sweeter after the terrible experience of being involved with one.

#5 Nov 24 - 4PM

fairy wings

Grossot

What a beautiful posting. So much of what you say I feel or have felt. I was brought up a Christian, made to go to Sunday School for years and did not go near a church for years after I left home, because I was rebelling against it, however I never lost faith. My faith is not of one religion. I am interested in Buddhism and have read widely on this in recent years, however so much of the bible came back to me in my hour of need. I remember thinking, this must have happened to me for a reason, now I believe that reason was so I have a deeper understanding of others and through my work I can educate and support otehrs to find their own truth. I know that even though I live on my own, I am never alone, God, spirit, higher self, call it what you will; I know I am part of something bigger. I truly believe if we offer our prayers, the Universe answers. Thank you for sharing your joy.

#6 Nov 23 - 10PM

Marie

Grossot

Congrats on your year!!!! I know how good you're feeling. I'm a year and 3 months. Life is so much different. My head is at peace, no more crying, no more feeling hopeless it's just great. I'm so happy for you. Wishing you well along the healing road. Many hugs!

#7 Nov 20 - 4AM

grossot

NanC

A year is a long time to grow thick skin. And I hope I learn more and become a better mother, friend and mentor along the way. I'm sure it takes everyone different amounts of time. It's good to be objective about the future and you can listen to others without having to agree with them. Just politely say "I hear you; I understand". But NanC, don't ever discount your anger (hear I go telling you what to do!lol) Anger is a driving force. Yes we don't want to hold it in. But tell your sister that, "Talking about it is my way of letting it out" You either let it out or hold it in. I had people try to talk me out of being angry, even my own parents. I researched anger and realize it's a healthy emotion. It's how we express it that makes us "healthy" or "emotionally unstable". God got angry at Pharoah -AND HE LET HIM HAVE IT! Remember what God did to the Egyptian army after Pharoah had a change of heart and sent his men after Moses and the Hebrews? God basically said, "Oh no you di'nt!" The red Sea parted - Moses was able to let his people through and then the sea swallowed up the Egyptian army who was so cruel to their former slaves. God's got your back. Moses was used by God to free the Jewish people from a life of slavery! If you read this story in Exodus closely, you see that Moses was afraid to confront Pharoah to say, "Let my people go". But God showed him that since Moses was so faithful and believed: that God could do anything, he had Moses throw down his rod and it became a serpant. This gave Moses the confidence to face the cause of his anger! DON'T HOLD IT IN!!!! It doesn't mean you have to kick and scream and poke VooDoo (sp?) dolls!!! But it doesn't mean you have to be Nice little NanC. (That goes for all of us!). If someone is telling you to do this, simple excuse yourself from the conversation and go BLOG! If they haven't been through they won't get what anger really is. Thank you for your post! This site was posted before and discussed anger. Read: http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/06/abuser-vs-abusee.html http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#8 Nov 19 - 10PM

NanC (not verified)

grossot

I too share your faith in God. I know we have to let go of all the wrong that was done to us. This morning (I mentioned this on another forum) that I spoke to one of my sisters and I told her that I hope the N gets thrown in jail for his back child support that he was court ordered to pay. She said, "Quit wishing him bad. Quit wishing him anything at all." All its doing is keeping that anger inside of you and not letting you move forward". I know that's true. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Of course, they are always willing to push our buttons but it sounds like you're skin as thickened and he is not going to get to you anymore. That was a slick move for him to send a picture of yall's first apartment. He figured you would get all sentimental over it and give him a break during yall's divorce. That's what the N did to me when we went to court for child support (we were never married). He told his gf that he had told me that they were broken up so I would take it "easy" on him. They never quit playing their head games....

#9 Nov 18 - 10PM

grossot

thanks

So happy to help in some small way. Thank you for listening, helping, advising......it is ALL appreciated. I wish I could be on this site constantly!!!! I'm falling over asleep right now but I want to read more!!!!!! Hugs! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#10 Nov 18 - 4PM

itreallyisabouthim

You're amazing.

You're amazing. Congratulations on coming so far from such a long relationship with an N that ended so horribly. What you wrote about "I'm not sure if he knows" that he abused you hit a chord for me. I remember talking to my mom (who is a shrink) and she told me that it was ok to get out even if he didn't understand why, that he probably never will. That was the frustration I had, taht I didn't want to leave before I was sure he understood why. Partly because I thought maybe if he "got it" that he might change. But mostly, looking back, because I knew who he was and that if I left for "no reason" that he would smear me to no end. But in truth these N's never will get it and they will always do that anyway. Accepting that equals freedom for me. Anyway, congrats to you for coming so far and getting the best revenge possible - living well and being happy and free of that crap.

#11 Nov 18 - 11AM

tina

grossot

I am very proud of you. What a brave strong woman you are...an example to us all. Thank you friend.

#12 Nov 18 - 10AM

4joys4

You're a shooting star,

You're a shooting star, girlfriend!

#13 Nov 18 - 8AM

quietude (not verified)

grossot

Wow, what an awesome post! I am so glad you're at this place now in your life. It's interesting how we can change from feeling like you've dropped into an abyss, like our whole world has been destroyed, to feeling so distant from what we used to feel was 'love' for this person. You're a living testament to how well NC and taking good care of ourselves really does work! If I'm feeling down in the dumps or having a pity party for myself, I think back to times when my exN made me so miserable, how that felt, and how I prayed for some kind of relief. I actually did pray so hard for a miracle...funny - I guess God knew he couldn't change him, so made him leave shortly after...ha! Keeping those bad times in mind truly helps to whip you back into shape, and makes you very GRATEFUL that you were able to dodge the bullet of a lifetime of misery. Freedom feels damn good! So happy your doing better, and can focus on the good things in life, including really enjoying being a mom...they grow up way too fast, believe me! Big hugs!!

#14 Nov 18 - 8AM

Monica

Grossot...your post was very inspiring!

Posted twice by mistake!

#15 Nov 18 - 8AM

Monica

Grossot...your post was very inspiring!

I am still new to NC (even though the "relationship" was off and on, off and on for over a year) but I am feeling stronger as every day goes by that I don't have contact with him. I was the one who finally broke it off for good this last time and it WILL stick this time. It just feels very different this time. Very final. I'm looking forward and not to the past. I don't "want" him anymore. There are those moments when I start to "miss" him (well, not HIM but the illusion of him) and I immediately force myself to think of all the lies and deceipt and lies and manipulation and control and lies...you get the picture. He lied ALL the time about everything, even stupid things that didn't matter to anyone. He was sick and immature and pathetic. What you said in your post is so true: "He can talk himself into anything. Actually, he can talk anyone into anything (that is, of course, except for me!)." I think this is what makes them especially dangerous...that con artist trait. Dangerous and frightening and the only way to "handle" them is to run the other way for dear life and never look back. I am so happy that you have come such a long way! It is my Christmas wish that we all find ourselves exactly where you are in very short time.

#16 Nov 18 - 3AM

Ellen

Grossot

Hi Grossot, That was great to read. I'm so pleased that you feel this way. After 12 years that must have been hard to get out of. I am 8 months out and feel betrayed, humiliated, degraded. I don't think he has any idea that his actions has had this effect. I wish i could see this coming so i could've avoided it. I had no idea. In only 4 months i hope i will feel so much better. I have no contact since about 2 months and i don't know if it works or not. I'll find out in time. Well done it seems your hard work is paying off. I will follow your steps.

#17 Nov 17 - 11PM

cynthia (not verified)

great you are out of the dark hole

does the true feeling of relief begin when we can get them out of our heads and quit thinking about them? I feel sad that I had to let him go, knowing what he is will never change, when I think of him 10 years from now I will probably be even more sad for him that he has this awful disorder . I hope also when I look back at him that all my trials will turn into a happier life and that I never lost a damn thing the day I decided to rid him of my life, do you also see more clearly how it was always them that was to blame ? happy for your progress and hope you can finally now have a better partner one day that will be the icing on the cake for you

#18 Nov 18 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

grossot

Thank you Ellen and Cynthia

Oh my!! How I ever see more clearly that it was him to be blamed. NO CONTACT is like a prescription. Take it every 24 hours and your mind will become more and more clear. My attention span is longer; I'm much more organized. I see the GOOD in things. I can think clearly with no interuptive or negative. Thoughts Yes, I'm only a person who makes mistakes. But my marriage did not end because I made mistakes. It's so clear to me now. I pray I always know this. AND you all too! You can't rush it. But OMG! The suffering is worth this free feeling!!!! Have a funeral for pretend guy. He's dead. Other people may be meeting him along the way but they will be hurt when he's done with them. HE'S DEAD! YOU CANNOT CONTACT A DEAD PERSON! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#19 Nov 18 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

neveragain

Happy Birthday TO YOUUUUU Grossot!

One year and what a difference! You deserve all the joy and peace you've worked so hard to attain. You're going to just get better and better! I also agree that God doesn't want us to stay in abusive relationships. It's a good thing that a lot of clergy now recognize that bad marriages cannot always be saved and that the safety of the abused women and children is paramount. Your journey has been a hard one but you're walking in the light now. Good for you! Congratulations on making it to the other side. Hugs, neveragain

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