ten thousand miles

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#1 March 11, 2009 - 6:56am
ms_jeeves
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ten thousand miles

This website is so upbeat and strong compared to other places I have found on the internet. I love it! The realization that he was drawn to my strength and at the same time needed to destroy me as he got bored really makes a lot of sense to me. I'm not a victim because I'm weak but because I'm very loving, generous, bright but gullible.

Here's my story:

My ex-fiance cut me off exactly three weeks ago with an email informing me that he is now involved with someone else. "Please do not attempt any further contact" and he disconnected his phone. He said that he had met her first a year ago on a business trip and she didn't believe who he was (he's not anybody famous just had an interesting job) but later emailed him when she saw his picture on the internet.

2 weeks beforehand, I had just moved 10,000 miles away from home because he had orders to come here and begged me to move with him (even found the job advertisement for me and kept pestering me to apply). Oops, joke's on me. His new orders are to move to her city... the city where he and I lived when we first met 3-1/2 years ago.

I'm fairy stunned, plenty angry, but realize how insanely shallow he is. It is kind of funny!

I actually had postponed our New Year's Day wedding back at the end of November because he started being incredibly cruel to me and I didn't want to put up with it. It had happened before and I knew this was not how I wanted to start a marriage. It turns out this happened right after she first flew out to visit him while he was on another business trip... a few days after I visited him there and he was saying to me "let's just elope this weekend!"

When I returned some stuff to him back then... the one thing he insisted I keep was the framed picture of him I used to have on my bedside table. Gag me!

After that... he spent months telling me how important I was to him, how he wished he wasn't such a jerk, how much he looked forward to our new life on a tropical island... blah... blah... blah. I fell for it completely... especially because of all the tears he shed. As soon as this particularly stressful job was over... surely he would be back to himself again: the man I met.

Small memories are coming back... things I should have caught but didn't pay enough attention to or excused them because... you know... poor him has such a stressful life... just ask him. Things like, he said to me twice when I had doubts on why he was being cold, "You're here aren't you?" Like I should be really flattered to just be in the same room with him. Or the time he forgot, after two years of dating, how I took my coffee. On and on...

I'm glad he's not in my life anymore but I wish I had kept walking in November instead of falling for his tears and his need to reel me back in right up until the end: "you're my hero because you're following your heart" (i.e. him across the world) ... "I could never have found anyone as perfect for me as you." If I wasn't so gullible, I could have saved myself an expensive move and I could have been dealing this with close friends instead of far away and in a strange time zone.

We used to "joke" about his narcissistic tendencies. I don't know why I didn't really think about it hard or pay attention to it then.

I really miss the man I thought he was.

March 13, 2009 - 4:11pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

everyone has a crush sometime

The man he was is no different than having a crush on a movie star! In my day it was the beatles. You had a normal re-action to a very good acting job. You went into a situation you could never have realized was so complicated and false. they don't present themselves that way. A great gal in chicago had a feeling her airline pilot fiance was a phony. She hired a private investigator, who gave her the information that the man who gave her an engagement ring and booked the church for their upcoming wedding, was married with two children and living in California. Now here was a true fighter. She sold the story to her local news station, met him in an Italian restaurant to talk about their wedding plans, and told him on a hidden camera, she knew he was married. he blew up at her and menaced her for INVADING HIS PRIVACY! When the camera crew stepped out to protect her he became quiet, left, and when the show aired on the news he lost his wife and his job. Now that was a hppy ending. I saw the show it was terrific. Not everyone is that confrontational but it does give people some satisfaction to turn the tables. never confront them alone always in public and with other people present. Carolyn
March 13, 2009 - 8:01pm (Reply to #16)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

just to add

A movie star would never have begged me to move to Guam! :-) I did turn the tables on my ex... at least as much as I could from so far away... and he was predictably outraged that I was no longer "on his side." When you are part of his inner circle, then you have the same untouchable status that he has in his mind. Eventually though, like a child, some bright shiny object comes along and there he goes... It's so disturbing because it's so different from someone who understands that others are adults too and should have the information they need to make their own decisions. I wasn't just a puppet in his play.
March 13, 2009 - 5:35pm (Reply to #15)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

great story!

That's a great story! Thank you for sharing it!
March 13, 2009 - 9:20am
Elena
Elena's picture

Would love the support conf. call!

Lisa, I would love to participate in the support conf. call. I have been looking for a support group to join, but this call would have the same kind of help. I think talking about things has such a healing effect. I would love to be a part of this! And thank you for investing your time and effort in our lives! I believe God has a reward for you, for helping others in the midst of their pain. God's heart goes out to the broken hearted, and I see yours is the same way.
March 13, 2009 - 9:50am (Reply to #13)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Support Group Call

Hi Ruby, Thank you so much for your response and your kind words. I'm glad to hear you would be interested in participating in a support group call. I will look into setting this up and let you all know what I find out. Talking to others who can relate is incredibly healing and I look forward to the possibility of talking to you all soon. Best, Lisa
March 12, 2009 - 9:33pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ms. Jeeves

Hi Ms. Jeeves, I'm so glad you found our messageboard! Your ex sounds horrible and I'm sorry to hear what you went through, but at least you found out before you married him. I'm sorry you moved so far to be with him and he has done this, but perhaps there's a reason you're living somewhere new right now. You never know why things happen, right? Everyone on this messageboard can relate to what you're going through right now. I know you're far from friends, but please know we are all here you any time you need. Hang in there! Best, Lisa
March 12, 2009 - 10:18pm (Reply to #8)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

Thanks Lisa

Thanks Lisa, Your book sounds fabulous (will have to order it) and I appreciate your willingness to be "here" for so many. It's nice to have a place to come to!
March 12, 2009 - 11:14pm (Reply to #9)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Support Group

Hi Ms. Jeeves, Thank you for your kind note! This messageboard is a place of support for all of us and I'm so glad you feel the same. I have always found it so healing to talk to people who can understand and relate first-hand to what I'm going through. In my mind, this is a support group. In fact, I have led support groups before and am toying around with the idea of setting up a weekly call where we can all call-in and talk to one another. Would any of you be interested in this? I would set-up a 1-800# so there would be no cost to anyone. I think it would be helpful. We may not live near one another, but there's no reason we can't talk weekly to provide additional support to one another. Thanks again for your note. You have no idea how much it means to me. Best, Lisa
March 13, 2009 - 3:15pm (Reply to #10)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

Love the idea!

Lisa, I love the idea of a conference call as a support group! It's a wonderful, wonderful idea! Please keep up updated! Ms. Jeeves
March 14, 2009 - 11:54am (Reply to #11)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Support Group Call

Ms. Jeeves, Thank you so much for your response! I'm glad to hear you're interested in a support group call. I'm looking into it and will keep you all posted! Best, Lisa
March 11, 2009 - 1:25pm
better off
better off's picture

wow

Wow. At least you didn't marry him. I know how you feel about missing the man that "was." I am in awe that he would go so low as to trick you into moving away so he could have his new person move to where you were. I guess we know she'll be sorry as well eventually. The "love of my life" and I talked about me moving 10,000 miles away with him as well...it couldn't happen because of my children, but now you've shown me a really frightening scenario that I may have avoided. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, but thank you for sharing your story.
March 11, 2009 - 5:24pm (Reply to #2)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

wow

thanks for writing back :-) It does help to know there are other people out there. I'm sorry about the "love of your life" too. In my case, he really did have orders to come here, I saw them and I believe they really were canceled... because he was so upset about it, when my boss offered to make some calls over to a flag officer he knows, my ex was THRILLED about that and wanted it to happen. He would not be so stupid to get powerful people involved if he was just making up a story. His whole identity, what he has, is wrapped up in his career. Of course, I thought he was thrilled because it would make our relationship work. Really... his narcissism just believed that powerful people actually cared about him and how "unfairly" he was being treated. Unfortunately for him, they actually offered to move him here into a different job... but it came a couple of days after he told me ("I hope I find solace in my decisions...." no real information). Anyway, once they said he could come here, he couldn't tell me it was the military's fault anymore... and that's what prompted him to cut me off. I did actually reach him on the phone for about 30 seconds before he hung up on me. I told him that I deserved an apology, he laughed at me and hung up. oh... and yes, I think his orders were canceled because of his problems. The things he used to say to me about the men he led were really shockingly dismissive and cruel. He told me that the orders were canceled because his "leadership style" was too "informal" read: failure. What totally blows me away is that he was building another relationship with her... while he was also in constant contact with me about his problems in his life, asking my support, asking me to use my contacts, blah blah blah. Just all ... classic narcissism. I know that she'll find out one day too... and I'm pretty sure his ex-wife has a pretty bad story. She left him a year before I met him and cut off all contact. ok... I'm obsessing. I'm a long way from anyone I've ever known and starting a new job. It helps to pour this out here.
March 11, 2009 - 5:44pm (Reply to #3)
better off
better off's picture

you know

You know, thinking about what you said about his orders, I think that is part of the reason they cut out on people like they do. If you're faking it...eventually your "mate" is going to pick up on it...the failures, etc. So they have to start over with a new one. My N was married...but he was separating when I met him, *of course*, he'd email info about his new apartment he was moving into, etc etc...call me with what the lawyer said that day. UGH! That was 18 months ago, and as you can guess he's still married. Poor her. She's either his biggest victim or his perfect match, I'll never know. And in my case, everything he said added up about the "facts" of his life. He was who he said he was and so on. The LIE was his PERSONALITY. So I could easily see him luring me to a distant country and then...getting "confused about his feelings." Mine was apparently insecure enough to not flat out laugh at me and dump me in a cruel style...his is the style to break up with ME and make me feel bad for HIM. But..I've thought it over and I think maybe he's just afraid of me hurting his reputation. I think he knows better than to openly do battle with me. I'm one big giving, gullible, nurturer, but I am smart and the joke always was that I was 1% bitch. Whenever some guy tried to bully me, or taunt me or whatever online he usually got it with both barrels and the kind of sarcasm that one doesn't forget. So I'm sure my sensitive lover just knows I could possibly humiliate him which would be a fate worse than death!! lol Sorry, that was about me! OMG I'm a narcissist! ;) I hope you keep posting. I'm sure it's lonely for you right now, but there are some saucy women to keep you company here. :-) Hang in there. Maybe through this move you really WILL meet a great guy! That would be a nice twist, huh?
March 11, 2009 - 6:51pm (Reply to #4)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

you know

This completely made me smile.. because I don't take bullying either. My previous boyfriend was a narcissist... much, much more pathological than this one. I was only with him for 7 months and then, later, I had the opportunity to publicly call him on his lies... and I did. My recent "ex" was so supportive of that "drop the hammer on him...." so he knew what I was willing to do. And I did to him as well. A couple of hours after I got his email... middle of the night my time, I emailed his boss (who had been forced to ask some hard questions from the flag officer), and the two flag officers who were involved and I apologized to each of them that they were asked to be involved in a personal matter that was purely the result of the personal failings of XX. I also wrote his family. That's why he was so cruel the next day on the phone... how dare I "out" him... I'm sure he had a whole story going on with them that I was long gone and this wonderful new person was in his life and at the ceremony that was taking place that day to honor him. I did hear back from his boss who said that he was sorry to hear of my unfortunate circumstances. But he also said it was a misunderstanding about "expectations." Yeah... not so much. It was probably a big mistake to contact those people... and I just look crazy to them... but I was so incredibly angry about everything including the fact that he used me that way... and that was the one thing I could take back. Oh... and yes... I definitely apologized to my new boss. What a way to start a new job!
March 11, 2009 - 9:38pm (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

Ha! That comment made me

Ha! That comment made me laugh..."It was a misunderstanding about expectations." Doesn't THAT some all of them up? They should put that on their tombstones. lmao Don't feel bad about contacting them...because even if he tries to make you look crazy now, those stories tend to add up over time. ;)
March 11, 2009 - 11:27pm (Reply to #6)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

expectations

A year or two ago... when he was acting ridiculous... he told me a couple of times "I want to manage your expectations..." just before telling me something heartbreaking. I told him that was unacceptable... my expectations were not his to manage. Anyway... with this one... I don't think that sparkly diamond ring he gave me was a misunderstanding about expectations. I'm glad I gave it back to him and we're not married...but I do wish I hadn't been dragged back into his life and problems for several months while making major decisions about my life. I trusted him and that was foolish. I do think there are degrees of narcissism... and other stories are so much worse. My ex is just a lost little boy who acts suddenly and irrationally when he is in fear or is angry. I was a big source of support to him and now someone else is serving that function. Not a real relationship... but certainly felt that way while I gave and gave ...