Will stop when you start to think in terms of "this AND that", instead of "either or", "this OR that".
I told you I am working on my shadow. And the thing is, I am this and that, I am vain and slobby, I am irresponsable and responsable, I am weak and strong, I am hateful and loving.
Dont start to talk right away about the narc now. First think about those things within you.
Any word, trait that creates a strong emotional response within you, is something you dont want to own, positive or negative.
Once you do this, even if your ego is screaming at you, you will start to feel relieved, and maybe you will see how this trait could serve you and what it wanted to do with you, maybe protecting you.
And then, when you have done that, look at the narc.
He is evil, and good. Both of it. The dissonance and intrusive obsession doesnt come from, I swear, it doesnt come from, you not accepting that he is both of it, but you not accepting that you have certain traits too, that are contradictory.
And once you can accept that, you will accept him too, the way he is or was. He was and is both of it.
I can really recommend to start to read about shadow process, I made such an incredible shift the last days.
It also works the other way around, what you admired in others, and maybe in your narc, are the traits that wants to be expressed within you, that you project onto others, cause you dont want to own them, in case you think you really lack of these traits.
Big hugs to you all