You fell in love with an image...I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but it's true, he created what you wanted FOR HIM and only for him to feed all your goodness and warmth.
A true assclown, never did deserve such a beautiful woman. It's just horrible how they portray the perfect guy, we mourn that loss..the "portrayal", the man texting you is a ghost, we never really know them until we do/say something they see as wrong....then we get to see the real man, not the bs perfect guy.
They have us so brainwashed that we want so badly to hear from them...why? Why would we want to hear from someone who lies/cheats/rages/treats us like rubbish???? We can only thrive without these assclowns in our lives.....we will die WITH them..xxx
I have missed your posts and your insight. The tone of many posts lately have been all concentrating on what the n is thinking, doing, why they're doing it, and generally feeding that side of things. It has been somewhat discouraging. I mean no offense to anyone trying to sort through this hell but there comes a time when the focus has to come OFF of the n and go onto the HEALING. All of this NC back and forth and the grief it is causing is heartwrenching. The n's are master manipulators, very disordered persons and we are worth more than that. Maybe some people aren't ready to let go...
Better off, your realistic view is most helpful and appreciated. We all got here because of their disordered behavior. I'll speak for myself and say something inside of me knew for quite some time that there was something very 'off' about this person in my life and the feeling that I would be destroyed if I continued in it. I knew this for some time and worked on getting out. And I tried. And he hoovered. And I let him back in for another year before the final D & D exactly 12 months later. I no longer want to concern myself about any of his qualities, what he is doing and with whom, what he is thinking, etc. etc. It is no longer "all about him." The truth of the destruction they create is here in these posts; in the blog writings and story sharing.
Hookline, like others have suggested, try making a list of the negative things that caused you to find this community and sort things out. You sound like a very caring person who has a lot to give. Give it to yourself. I am trying to do this, too, to realize my worth and confirm that I will not give it away to someone who doesn't value it.
It is hard work but I hope to one day, too, be "better off."
Most sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning
But while this list is impressive...he lacks respect for you. I know you miss him very much. Let yourself feel what you feel, but be careful to not look at the list as he is the only man who can possess these qualities. You may never meet another doc. Someone else might not spoon quite the same way. But...having someone love you for YOU. Treat you with respect. And have your back in your time of need. Those qualities trump all the other qualities. I'm sorry you're in pain...know I'm praying for you tonight. {{{hugs}}}
These guys train us to constantly be thinking about them, because if we are thinking about them then we can't exactly move on to someone else and we get really good at being Narcissist Supply. We also don't get the normal ending where there is a natural parting of ways, Ns never completely let their victims go. You will forever in his mind be "supply". I am in the same boat. I daily struggle with wanting to desperately contact him, to see him again, to do whatever it would take to have him back to when he seemed so enthralled with every word I said. The thought that someone else is enjoying that attention saddens me...even if it is all an illusion. The fact that keeps coming back is how short our lives truly are and do I want to spend any more of it pursuing someone who is so wrong for me. Not simply due to him being an N, but we honestly had nothing in common really. Sure, I miss the sex, I miss how incredibly sexy he is, I miss the fascinating dialogue....but I don't miss the long bouts of silence, wondering when I would be contacted again, I don't miss the broken engagements, I don't miss the wondering who else he is sleeping with, I don't miss the jabs against me (no matter how subtle they were), I don't miss having the conversation revolve all around him and what pisses him off or who is to blame for why he isn't happy. I'm sure if you were to really disect your relationship, you would also find things that you didn't like. You have to list those out too, otherwise, you get stuck with a one sided view of him that makes it much harder to let go. Have you journaled your experiences yet? If not, I urge you to. I resisted for so long. But journaling has brought to light lots of things that I had been sweeping under the rug.
thank you for being such saints. In my clearer moments I know that even if he isn't a narc, someone who would coldly and cruelly dump me in 20 minutes after leading me to believe he was building a life with me and for me, is not someone I want to be with. However at the moment I'm just going through a very severe "missing him" jag. I suspect, however, that if I met someone else I could fall for, that I might forget about him, but the possibility of that seems so depressingly remote just now.
A list of what I miss about him: let's see.
1. His depth of knowledge on so many subjects. We would have long, in-depth, interesting conversations on so many topics most times we were together.
2. His willingness to talk about the children in his future (he even mentioned names for them once) - although now I don't know whether he truly felt this way or whether this was something he just made up to reel me in.
3. His total devotedness to me from Day 1. Because of having run into so many assclowns (leaving aside the emotional rape of this year) over the past ten years, my trust in men has been very badly (sometimes I think irretrievably) damaged. Therefore I really, really, really need TANGIBLE evidence of someone's GENUINE AND LONG-TERM interest in me from the off. If there is any hint of assclownery - not returning texs, showing no interest in making actual, concrete dates as opposed to having a text relationship, not returning calls, suddenly having other plans, being too tired to meet up, only wanting to meet up late at night, etc etc - I am OUT OF THERE. So therefore his completely reliable and dependable behaviour from Day 1 was just like manna from heaven to me. He was everything I'd been praying for for years, and more.
4. His looks. I have to be honest about this one. I was so attracted to him physically, and I don't mean that I was a horndog around him the whole time - just that I had an overwhelming urge to hug and kiss and sqeeze him a lot. I have that with anyone I love - my girlfriends (to a lesser extent of course!) my darling niece and nephew (they are so adorable it's hard not to want to eat them up) etc. I love to give people I love or feel affectionate towards huge bear hugs a lot of the time. I felt that with him big time.
5. His educational and professional status. I know, I know. I shouldn't be putting too much emphasis on this, but I have found over the years that unless a man is of a similar level of education, there just won't be that much to talk about.
6. His adventurousness. He would be willing to try stuff other guys wouldn't dream of doing - for instance, booking a US holiday at very short notice to join me over there after only 6 weeks of dating; dressing up as Mr Darcy at a Jane Austen festival in the UK (we never actually got to do this because he emotionally raped me and dumped me long before September, which is when the festival takes place), buying a Julius Caesar costume in the gay district of San Francisco for fun at my suggestion, moving to a whole new country to start a new life, etc. He would always go along with my ideas for nice weekend trips away, holidays, date ideas etc etc. Although since being told that I never listened, was only out for myself, and was only happy as long as I was out in front and he was "behind me", I now of course have not a clue whether he ever actually enjoyed any of this or whether he just went along with it, hated every minute of it, stored up his silent rage against me, and then spewed it out when he was D&Ding me. Who knows?
7. The fact that he is a doctor. The prestige, attraction of someone in a caring profession, the knowledge, the feeling of safety that he would know what to do in any emergency situation (and I and members of my family had occasion to call on him several times during our 8 months for his help, which he was happy to give), the feeling that when we had children he would always know how to cure them or prevent illness in the first place, etc etc. In January my sister had an accident where she broke a disc in her back and was in a brace for three months. He was SO good to my parents around that time - reassuring them, describing to them with diagrams etc exactly what had happened and exactly what would be done to fix it, talked my sis through all of her medication and answered all her questions, held and comforted me the day my mum rang me to tell me about her accident, etc etc.
8. The fact that he seemed genuinely close to his family, especially his mother and his nephew and niece (who his sister has since barred him from seeing) and to his best male friend.
9. The way he would spoon me EVERY MORNING we were together. I miss this like crazy - it's like a hole in my soul that it's gone. I remember one particular morning he actually put just one arm across me and scooped me up and pulled me across to him. It was so lovely. I felt so warm, protected, cherished, treasured, needed.
10. The fact that he was ALWAYS so clean and well dressed and NEVER snored (this may seem inane, but I'm a very light sleeper and have gotten very annoyed with some ex boyfriends because they constantly kept me awake)
11. The fact that he took care of himself physcially, ate right, exercised, didn't smoke. He claimed he drank too much but I can't say that I noticed, if he did. It certainly never interfered with our life.
So you can see how I still have the feeling that there was a lot of good stuff there.
Yeah, Sooo! Once he sucked you in he took you down, right? Kicked you in the gut and knifed you in the heart, then turned the knife. All with one good D & D, right? So tell meagain ,how great is he? How do you feel now? My guess you have a hard time getting off the couch.
This guy is a Narc assclown that's why you are here and not with him. Love yourself, I'm sorry for you. You are about to face a tough fight. You can do it. Delete delete delete. NC
Trust me everyone here cares more about you more than this guy every did.
Ox Idealk
First, I want to tell you something you may not realize yet. You don't even know this man. Not at all. You only "know" a carefully crafted image he presented to you. And that is who you miss. You saw a few glimpses of the real person, like when you went skiing, but the man you love is not real... that is one of the reasons your list IS superficial qualities, it's because you don't really KNOW him.
A list of what I miss about him: let's see.
1. His depth of knowledge on so many subjects. We would have long, in-depth, interesting conversations on so many topics most times we were together.
This is nice. I can still miss this about the narc I knew. But of course, he only engaged in these conversations with me when he was trying to suck me in. One of the last few times we did have a long conversation, it kept turning into a monologue. At the beginning he always seemed so self-effacing and would say, oh sorry for my blather, and of course I would tell him I didn't think it was blather at all! But near the end, I began to see how capable he really was of blather. Or blarney.
2. His willingness to talk about the children in his future (he even mentioned names for them once) - although now I don't know whether he truly felt this way or whether this was something he just made up to reel me in.
Hook, this is something you REALLY need to understand... everything that happened in the initial stages was something to reel you in. OF COURSE talking about children that way was something he made up. Men who actually are serious about wanting to get married and have children... get married and have children. Men who act like they do to sweep you off your feet and then dump you, are NARCISSISTS and PREDATORS.
3. His total devotedness to me from Day 1. Because of having run into so many assclowns (leaving aside the emotional rape of this year) over the past ten years, my trust in men has been very badly (sometimes I think irretrievably) damaged. Therefore I really, really, really need TANGIBLE evidence of someone's GENUINE AND LONG-TERM interest in me from the off. If there is any hint of assclownery - not returning texs, showing no interest in making actual, concrete dates as opposed to having a text relationship, not returning calls, suddenly having other plans, being too tired to meet up, only wanting to meet up late at night, etc etc - I am OUT OF THERE. So therefore his completely reliable and dependable behaviour from Day 1 was just like manna from heaven to me. He was everything I'd been praying for for years, and more.
Which is why he saw you coming from a mile away. THIS is a red, red flag, in him and in you. In fact, in your case, I think this was the reddest flag you had available to you, although I can see why you didn't know that, our culture actually conditions us to believe that this sort of thing is genuine and means you have found true love. But it really means the opposite.
"His total devotedness to you from Day 1" is a gigantic sign to run away. I think you seem like a really nice person, an intelligent, attractive woman with a lot to offer... but no one is so wonderful that a normal person would decide to be totally devoted to you (or anyone) from day one. THAT is not normal. That is a sign of one of two things... the predator trying to sweep you off your feet, or the future abuser that is trying to capture you permanently before he starts his reign of terror.
I understand that dealing with the "assclowns" makes you look for reliability and dependability, or something I would just call MANNERS. Simple courtesy and manners are sadly lacking nowadays, and you have every right to look for THAT in a man, but "total devotedness" to a new person is a lot more than good manners and respectful behavior. If dealing with jerks has left you "really, really, really needing TANGIBLE evidence of someone's GENUINE AND LONG-TERM interest in me from the off" then something is off-kilter. Genuine interest, fine... but someone should get to KNOW you before they know if they have a longterm interest in you.
I think, hook, and I hope this doesn't offend you, but you seem to want something unrealistic... you want a husband and children, etc, but you want someone to just simply meet you and give you that right off the bat, because you want to be married so badly. But like some people who just want to be married, so they "settle" I guess, you want to be married and you want it with someone you feel crazy passion about that is totally into you, and dependable forever, and a rich handsome well traveled prestigious doctor, and you want it now. Real people aren't like that, and even the genuine people that you believe you want, aren't like that. In your search for the dream man, you got the guy who likes to pretend he's a dream man.
As others have talked about with you, you are looking for some puzzle piece to come along and make you whole and give you a life. I think a really great, TRUE guy wants a woman with a really solid identity of her own... so he can take it away, lol. J/K (sort of). In your fears of getting older, you are losing any sense of your OWN identity, because you seem to feel that you HAVE NO identity because you are single. This will attract predatory and/or controlling men.
4. His looks. I have to be honest about this one. I was so attracted to him physically, and I don't mean that I was a horndog around him the whole time - just that I had an overwhelming urge to hug and kiss and sqeeze him a lot. I have that with anyone I love - my girlfriends (to a lesser extent of course!) my darling niece and nephew (they are so adorable it's hard not to want to eat them up) etc. I love to give people I love or feel affectionate towards huge bear hugs a lot of the time. I felt that with him big time.
Who doesn't like a good-looking guy? :-) But looks fade, and looks don't pay the bills, and looks don't go to the drugstore for you at two a.m. because the baby needs medicine. Looks roll over and go back to sleep. You often mention meeting match-type online dates and "your heart sinking" the moment you meet them and you don't feel instant attraction. I'm not saying you should just pretend attraction doesn't matter at all... but maybe there are a LOT of people you haven't given a fair shake to because they don't meet with your fantasy man approval. You know you not only want a husband, but a FATHER for your children. People can be attractive in a lot of ways... ;-)
5. His educational and professional status. I know, I know. I shouldn't be putting too much emphasis on this, but I have found over the years that unless a man is of a similar level of education, there just won't be that much to talk about.
I am sure that your ex is not the only man alive with an education.
.
Okay, now with number 6 we get into the good stuff: pathological luring and behavior:
6. His adventurousness.
Narcs are adventurous all right. All of their life is one, big rollercoaster ride of adventure...and YOU were just another one of his adventures.
He would be willing to try stuff other guys wouldn't dream of doing - for instance, booking a US holiday at very short notice to join me over there after only 6 weeks of dating;
There is a reason other guys wouldn't dream of doing that... it's crazy. Is it exciting?? You bet!! Is it sign of reliability and dependability?? Absolutely not. Would it be a great fling? Yum!!! Does it mean he's both impulsive and also just trying to impress you?? Of course.
dressing up as Mr Darcy at a Jane Austen festival in the UK (we never actually got to do this because he emotionally raped me and dumped me long before September, which is when the festival takes place),
Right... he never actually DID it, he just said he was going to, and in your mind you still think he was going to, except for the dumping... this is big for them, to make exciting promises they have no intention of keeping. These are things you MUST let go of. Here you are including this tidbit even though IT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED. He didn't do that.
buying a Julius Caesar costume in the gay district of San Francisco for fun at my suggestion,
Um, okay. The obvious point is that when they are luring you, they are oh, so agreeable. After everything I have read about these guys and their secret lives, I will not touc the rest of this one with a ten foot pole...
moving to a whole new country to start a new life, etc.
Right, because narcs have no roots... just like they will leave YOU and go start a whole new life, and the next person and the next person... Mine had lived all over the world, and it was sooo exciting to me of course, especially since I felt so trapped in my own life... but looking back I could also see that he held no loyalties to anyone or anything. Exciting? Yes. Dependable? No.
He would always go along with my ideas for nice weekend trips away, holidays, date ideas etc etc.
Luring, luring, luring. Too much of being agreeable and letting you always choose... something is off with that. There should be more give and take.
Although since being told that I never listened, was only out for myself, and was only happy as long as I was out in front and he was "behind me", I now of course have not a clue whether he ever actually enjoyed any of this or whether he just went along with it, hated every minute of it, stored up his silent rage against me, and then spewed it out when he was D&Ding me. Who knows?
You are still trying to figure out what he thought based on what normal people think. He isn't normal. His goal was never the same as yours. His goal was to have yet another little adventure... seduce this woman. So, no, he wasn't hating every minute of it, it was calculated. But when that adventure ran its course, he started a new one... he seduced the next one, at a wedding, while you were THERE. Adventure!!! To end the last adventure though, he must blame you for it, so whatever you did was wrong... even though it was all at HIS orchestration, you see? He WANTED you to make the plans, etc, and then he criticized you for it. Now you're left spinning and distracted by this amazing cognitive dissonance, while he's now reinvented himself and is on his new adventure.
For the sake of argument, we'll suppose he wanted a change of pace... so now he picks out miss homely lonely-heart, he probably is the one making all the plans now, and being impressive, and praising her for letting him do so, and then when he dumps her, he will tell her she was meek and had no personality and never made any plans. That's how they operate. YOU CANNOT WIN.
7. The fact that he is a doctor. The prestige, attraction of someone in a caring profession, the knowledge, the feeling of safety that he would know what to do in any emergency situation (and I and members of my family had occasion to call on him several times during our 8 months for his help, which he was happy to give), the feeling that when we had children he would always know how to cure them or prevent illness in the first place, etc etc. In January my sister had an accident where she broke a disc in her back and was in a brace for three months. He was SO good to my parents around that time - reassuring them, describing to them with diagrams etc exactly what had happened and exactly what would be done to fix it, talked my sis through all of her medication and answered all her questions, held and comforted me the day my mum rang me to tell me about her accident, etc etc.
Yeah, doctors are impressive. Only if they actually care about people though. Doesn't make him a good family person.
8. The fact that he seemed genuinely close to his family, especially his mother and his nephew and niece (who his sister has since barred him from seeing) and to his best male friend.
Okay... so I hope you read this yourself and see your own contradiction in it?? How is someone genuinely close to family members they are BARRED from seeing? Is that anything LIKE normal?? You have told other stories about the real shit that went on with his family. IOW, he gave you the IMPRESSION that he was genuinely close to his family, yet there was actually hatred and animosity there.
9. The way he would spoon me EVERY MORNING we were together. I miss this like crazy - it's like a hole in my soul that it's gone. I remember one particular morning he actually put just one arm across me and scooped me up and pulled me across to him. It was so lovely. I felt so warm, protected, cherished, treasured, needed.
That's wonderful and of course you miss it. Too bad it didn't mean anything. :( I have been cherished like never before and summarily thrown away within 24 hours. Yuck.
10. The fact that he was ALWAYS so clean and well dressed and NEVER snored (this may seem inane, but I'm a very light sleeper and have gotten very annoyed with some ex boyfriends because they constantly kept me awake)
Yeah, well when you see it in the light of his self-centeredness it's less attractive. VAIN. If you had married him, you would have noticed that that would continue to be of paramount importance to him, especially after you had a baby, and he'd be off at the gym or something leaving you to do all the dirty work. I promise you that.
11. The fact that he took care of himself physcially, ate right, exercised, didn't smoke. He claimed he drank too much but I can't say that I noticed, if he did. It certainly never interfered with our life.
Again, he takes care of himself, because he loves himself. And that is the only person he is ever going to take car of... himself. If he actually admitted drinking too much, it is probably true. You say it didn't interfere with your life because your life lasted 8 months. This is one of the reasons they break up with you. They are always faking and they can't keep it up forever. He probably controlled himself as part of this excursion and then they get tired of it and want to be themselves, their disgusting immature selves. The other reason they break up with you is because they run out of material...so they have to start with someone new.
So you can see how I still have the feeling that there was a lot of good stuff there.
As an old veteran... I have to say that most of it just seemed like good stuff. The good stuff is in someone's CHARACTER. I do think you are struggling with wanting this duality of a man who is exciting and daring, and a man who is solid and dependable... a mixture would be nice. But the truth is... really exciting guys just aren't that dependable or they wouldn't be that exciting. And vice versa.
This guy really has messed you up, like we were all messed up, by making you think he could be EVERYTHING you ever wanted. And when it goes away, it sucks, because who doesn't want EVERYTHING? We THINK we had it and that's why it hurts to lose it, and be stuck with ever-present reality. But there are no perfect men. It wasn't REAL. There are men that could be perfect for YOU, but they will not be perfect.
This was very long, but I hope it gives you some food for thought...
That list of "good" qualities is quite familiar to many of us I'm sure. I know it was for me and it's what fed my cognitive dissonance.
The way you broke everything down is so dead on accurate!!
This should be a flagged post!
I sure hope you come back to visit this board often, I am always so impressed with your wonderful insights, such as you gave me, and now hook.. Like Betty said, I am waiting for the what I did not like about him column! It is so hard to let go of the whatifs, fantasy, and the way these men reel you in until enough time passes and you do your homework, plus all the commentts from the women on this board and books and articels on the subject on narcissism.
Now that you have this list of what you miss about him can you give us a list of what you don't miss about the relationship?
xoxo
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
i'm impressed too. I read Bri's response this morning telling you to list what you missed. Damn girl you did good. #9 got my heart. That would be what I would miss the most.
did you ever see the Oprah show telling everyone to write a list of 100 things they wanted in a partner and then tuck it away?
maybe we should all write a list of the most important attributes we want in a partner and share it with each other. Bet not one of our Ns would come close.
Even I am impressed :)
Too bad he does not have a soul.
I think that it is important to know what you want. Wanting a successful, gorgeous and socially amazing man is fine.
I think perhaps the way you look at men might still be the "problem", here.
You listed everything but a soul for this man. All these good things you listed are surface things. He looks ASTOUNDING on paper.
But you need to find a man with a soul FIRST. And when you do, all the other things tend to fall into place. It won't matter so much if he isn't a highly paid professional, if he admires you truly, and is a good father, a good man.
Maybe you are looking for love in all the wrong places?
Heres my two pennys worth Hook , just a hunch but i think , well a question .. how much would you say sibling rivory and aprovel from youre parents are a factor in you ?... heres what i found , my brother (the golden boy)has followed the path of good job , 2 kids and happy marrage all by the time he was 40 . i on the other hand have never really stuck at a job although i trained to be a nurse i hate it so i work in politics mostly unpaid campaigning , have no boyfriend and the biggie no children ... my mum would love another set of grand children and the pressure she put on my to get that life SHE wanted for me was huge .. no more than huge it was overwhelming , so i went on a mission to get me a husband ... oh yes he had to be a rich husband of a certain class too other wise my mum would say "next " ... it drove me nuts , it drove me so crazy i fell right into the arms of a narc .
The internet is NO PLACE to find a man that i know for sure . I internet dated and was drugged and date raped from a man i had met twise from the internet so please stop looking there it is just not safe .
The place to look is find out what you love and get involved , youre a Brit right ? Get involved in the anti war movment ..seriously they meet regualy there are loads of men , good educated men in left wing politics , start going to meetings , or the envioment issues , or anti racism issues ... meetings and organisations like stop the war, amisty international are crying out for volenters they love to see new faces .... trade unions join one and get involved they are packed full of men ... more men that you can shake a stick at .
It is a sujestion but you see that there is life and a way to meet men ... where do you think little uneducated me met 2 Doctors ? well one was at a meeting for stop the war and one was at a meeting on what coca cola are doing in south america .Ok the last meeting was one of the most boring meeting i have ever sat through but i knew at the end that cute doctor guy would be having tea and cake and mingling so i sat and wated and sure enough he mingled right where i was , well not exsactly i had to position myself by the tea earn but you get the picture .
There are in every city things going on that if you just look for them you could be doing a diffrent thing evening .Go to a cause that you may be intrested in and follow links and you will find a whole new world out there of real people.Smile at people , talk to people and most people respond .You have to be a bit thick skinned about it but we have just survived narc land so a meeting or a club for the first time is a piece of piss .xxx
Even I am impressed :)
Too bad he does not have a soul.
Well that took care of that list didn't it...
You miss and want back who you THOUGHT He was..
I get it.. I sooo get it...
To bad none of it was real...
AND I know how much you hate reading that..
I hate even writing it....
Hugs dear heart...
12. Oh yes, and his huge knowledge of cinema and music and his huge collections of both. I am an enormous fan of both and it was so great to meet someone with whom I could explore these things more.
I can relate to so many of these "good points".
He cuddled me, and we laughed so hard so many times and he was responsibe with his money and dressed well and we shared alot of common interests etc etc.
You mention his "reliability". I spoke about this with my therapist. I said "He is so reliable. He calls when he says he will. Makes dates. Keeps dates. Returns all my calls/texts etc". ( See I was used to assholes being the ones who don't do any of this)
Anyways, my therapist said " So that's what you think reliability is about?" She goes on and says " THOSE ARE BASICS! Reliability is about being consistent with your feelings for someone. Being there for someone when they need you etc"
It really changed my thouhts. So what if he returned my calls. I could not RELY on him to be there for me. I couldn't RELY on his feelings for me. I never knew where I stood. Just when I thought I did, something would change. I would change the things he didn't like, then that would be wrong too.
Not reliable.
Your guy is the same.
And everything else you miss is surface stuff. good job, good looks etc. The deeper things are not there. He doesn't have it.
You can find a man that has all these superficial traits AND ACTUALLY HAS MORE DEPTH.
Try not to focus on his looks good on paper traits. Go deeper and you will see there is nothing in him to miss.
You are at a stage in your life where you would really like to have that special someone and children. Because of this as you have stated on your other posts it feels like everyone is a couple and everyone has children....you know this is not true it just feels like it at the moment. You also know that the nice him is not true so you don't miss him you just miss having someone. It is natural in the process of healing to feel like this.....When I ran away from Narc #1 I missed him and he battered me black and blue, but I wasn't missing him I just missed having love in my life. Now I have found myself again I look back at both my exNarcs and I can actually thing what on earth was I thinking and I am happy now. Build on you, take each day as it comes and you will get there, try to be patience it doesn't happen over~night and trust yourself. (((HLS)))
Every time one of my coworkers gets a text and I hear that familiar text chime, I instantly look at my phone. I miss Mr. N too...sometimes I have a really good grasp on everything and other times I just want him back (even knowing that it is all fake).
HUGS
have you made a list of what exactly you miss about him? Why dont you do this and share it with us. I think it would be good for you to have some advice and opinions from your friends here.
We all miss the illusion in the beginning. I missed my little fantasy of the home, children, dog but especially the wonderful man that was so loving, caring, charming, attentive, intellectual, witty, memorizing..etc.... The perfect man.
Then i woke up and reality struck. Came down on me like a ton of bricks!
One question for you???? Could a person that is described as the one above be capable or willing to inflict so much pain and misery on another human life? Would he be so cruel and harsh as to not give second thought to your pain? No remorse, no guilt, no empathy?
Tell me again what your missing but this time in real terms and not the illusion hon. This is what you need to see today. Reality is the only thing that will bring you to higher ground even as unpleasant as it is, its necessary.
xoxoxo
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
and make a list of the stuff I did not like about him. I only now feel able to do this, nearly a year after the D&D. Let's see:
1. I didn't like how he was so negative about stuff always. He never seemed really happy, but I ignored this most of the time because I had believed all his BS about how I made him so happy, how I made him want to be a better man, etc etc. I believed that stuff was for real and that it was a lasting situation, so if he was ever quiet and withdrawn in company, I didn't mind that much because underneath it all, he was happy to be with me, right? Wrong.
2. I didn't like his driving. He was a very aggressive driver even with me in the car. I remember on one occasion him taking very sharp right-hand turns (we drive on the left over here) with no regard to the fact that I was thrown sideways when he made the turn. Even if he wasn't driving particularly aggressively, it was no fun being in a car with him as he was so tense and aggressive there.
3. I didn't like the fact that he didn't believe in "human rights", or indeed any rights. He believed that rights had to be "earned" and that you didn't get them just by virtue of being human. Sorry, but this debate was had back in the 1700s, during the Enlightenment, when it was pretty much decided (in the western world anyway) that humans had inherent rights just by virtue of being born human. You take that away, you've got a nightmarish free for all for dictators etc.
4. I didn't like the fact that he never kissed me passionately on the mouth, the way most guys will in the honeymoon period (which to me should last at least a year) and beyond. I didn't like that he withheld sex for 5 weeks, which is decidedly weird for a normal, red-blooded male. I didn't like that doggy style was his favourite sex position and even then he didn't seem to be able to come inside me.
5. I was suspicious of the fact that he never seemed to be able to "let go" and have a good time on a night out. He never belly-laughed. He did laugh occasionally, but only extremely briefly (twice that I recall at a joke I made, and then at some Bill Hicks DVDs I had given him as presents - but again, only briefly)
6. I didn't like his stock phrases. One was "it happens", and the other was "I'm always ok". Who the hell is "always ok"? No one, that's who.
7. I didn't like his overly sentimentalised attachment to his brief career in clinical practice. He presented his inability to stay in that environment as him being a victim of an overly managerial culture in medicine (and I've no doubt that this is the case, but most people don't spend their lives mourning something like that - they just give it up and move on)
8. Obviously I hated the creeping sense of walking on eggshells and the hostile vibe he started to emit towards me in about month 6. On the night of our 6 monthiversary, where he had suggested we go back to the bar we met in, he was strangely out of form and silent and discontent. This I put down to his recent falling-out with his sister, but again, most guys would celebrate what they have (ie, a good relationship with me) rather than dwelling on what they don't (ie, an intact family of origin)
9. The fact that he never seemed to get spontaneous morning erections while lying in bed with me (to me that's something that most normal blokes will get as a matter of course) which I found disconcerting and worrying.
10. His overall negative and unhappy demeanour, which did not sit well with his declarations of undying love to me, and how he couldn't believe he'd met someone like me, etc etc. If you believe you have hit the jackpot in the relationship stakes, most people would be a whole lot happier in themselves than what he exhibited.
This thread is so relevant to how I'm feeling tonight. Hook, your original top post described how I've been feeling today. I've been really sad, crying often. Had contact with mine too earlier - initiated by him about business - not a hoover.
So I read your post and most of the replies before getting to this one and as I read this new entry, I was reminded of very similar things I don't miss or didn't like about my exN either.
All I can say is wow, we all really do experience the same emotional trauma and cognitive dissonance, its only the details that differ.
Hugs!
Journey on...
I agree with everyone else as much as it hurts. When a loved one dies (which is what happened) we grieve. Its normal to miss someone who dies.
I'm pulling for you.
You only think you do. I am living proof that you dont for if he came back to you it would be worse. I promise you that. He came back after 15 years and I have been in bad shape far worse shape than the first time around and the first time around we were together 4-6 years (depending on when count which event as the end). Hes only been back in my life one year and I cant believe the chaos hes brought.
Sweets. Thank God for you that you only have 8 months invested in that creature. I have seven precious years of my life. Seven years of mostly feeling like shit for a few moments of fake happiness.
You will meet someone else. You will. I did! and guess what he wanted to destroy that too and nearly did.
Such a horrible thing to be feeling:(
If only they could have JUST showed their asshole (real)side, it would be soooo much easier. But of course, to get us and keep us around at their convenience, they have to show that sweet, loving, kind, and fun side. That's what you miss.
It's not real though. THey may have felt their kind of "love" in the moment, but it's shallow; superficial.
We are disposable and replacable for them.
I know how much that hurts. All of us here do.
Just try to focus on all the negative. Re read your story and the comments that people made. That always helped me anyways.
Sorry you're having a rough time. YOu aren't alone.
When you are missing him and you have good memories, try to come up with a negative to counteract it. It is really hard in the beginning to separate the good and the bad.
At least your pride will not let you make contact, I'm like that too! :) You are doing great, and even though it is hard now, it will get easier.
Hey now, I just read your story again; you don't want HIM back, just the illusion he presented to you. I understand and it is awful (I am 12 years older than the one I was with). Write down all the mean stuff he did - that is not a nice man -- and try to focus only on his horrid traits (there are quite a few you listed). It will end. It just feels really awful. sorry.
Peace. J
It will end when you yourself change.
Something is "wrong" when you crave a bastard who basically trashed you.
Something in you needs a good going over, some belief, some set of thoughts.
They come from being WITH the Narcs, and the term brainwashing is about the best term I've ever come up with.
I guess I do really miss him but just try and suppress it most of the time. He never trashed me while we were going out - I guess that makes it harder. He was pretty much always lovely to me - except that one night when I cried on the way home from the cinema. It was basically like - here's a lovely man who's in love with you. Here's a beautiful 8 months you spend together. Now BAM! he's not in love any more, and he's not even here any more.
I don't know what it's like. It's like waking up in another universe or something.
I was so full of rage this week that I could even identify with those people who go into a McDonald's and just open fire. I've just been deleted from his life like an old email, and I'm just supposed to shut up and disappear.
hookline
Wow, better off, please keep it up...
spinning
But while this list is
Of COURSE you do....
Once again everyone
HLS
How I see this list (part one)
How I see this list (part two)
Better Off!!
Journey on...
Wow Better Off!!
for better Off
Now that you have this list
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
yeah hook
Good stuff
Hook
Even I am impressed :) Too
12. Oh yes, and his huge
I can relate to so many of
You are at a stage in your
I'm the same way...
have you made a list of what
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
Ok, I'm gonna try
Wow, this thread
Journey on...
Hookline,
No you dont
Such a horrible thing to be
Hook,
Hey now, I just read your
Peace. J
Hookline
Briseis