It is NOT about HIM...

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Jul 30 - 1PM (Reply to #47)
Briseis
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Yes!! BUT!! :)

This is just what I'm "seeing" here that seems to be separating some members of the thread into disagreeing sides. Like BlueMoon says, it might be a problem of semantics (meanings of words used). I am a NORMAL WOMAN. Completely normal. I believe that with my whole heart. I do not feel "less than" or mal-equipped, somehow "damaged" or less capable in any way. I also have many, many glitches. I have vulnerabilities that I truly believe have predisposed me to NOT run screaming from pathologicals. I also cannot do math in my head. I can spell just about anything (it's my pet chickens fault for my typos, as I've said elsewhere :D ) and write just about anything effortlessly. I have a ton of insight into myself and am pretty good at understanding other people's points of view. I am also self centered in some ways because I've been terribly wounded. I am afraid. I lack self confidence in some areas that are just STUPID, but here I am. I can see a Narc coming a mile away and STILL fall prey to the really good ones, at least for a little while. I am NORMAL. I am a perfect example of the "human condition". I am in my mid forties pushing fifty. I can say this with a twinkle in my eye. NORMAL does not mean "not ill" or "not fcked up". We are human beings!! Ahem, I'm falling off of my soapbox here :blush: So when I say "normal" I mean really fkced up, really nuts at times, full of mistakes and full of health, joy, peace, serenity, and primed to make more mistakes and learn from them, forever and ever Amen :) What's wrong with ME is in a different dimension of being than what is wrong with Narcs and abusers. My limitations do not mean I have no right to speak up or believe in myself. I am not more sacred or "special" from having gone through my horrendous, life long abuse. Being a "victim" does not make me lily white and above reproach. It just makes me normal :) I accept ALL of me, even the warty parts (with long hairs growing out of them ewww). I am both wonderfully healthy and full of glitches. I am a human being :) What brings us all together here is our encounters with Narcs. From that, we all diverge into different paths of integrating the lesson. We have tons to learn from each other. We will NOT agree. We could learn a lot about ourselves and the human condition by respecting the disagreements, while refraining from judging the person presenting the idea. It is totally OK with me if someone disagrees with me. I expect it and respect it. We are all going in the same direction, but we have different rocks to turn over on our way :)
Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #48)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

love this, Briseis...

"I accept ALL of me, even the warty parts (with long hairs growing out of them ewww). I am both wonderfully healthy and full of glitches. I am a human being :)" This is great! And every person in our lives should accept us for the warts and the hairs (tweezers are a gals best friend, haha!)...
Jul 28 - 12AM (Reply to #29)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Blue Moon I still disagree

I've read a lot about this. Maybe a few target the weak(nothing fits a pattern completely) but they go after, strong,accomplished, independent women. I have yet to meet anyone who is without some vulnerability. How can intimacy be established if you are not willing to be vulnerable?And I have yet to meet a woman who has not been effected by fairytale conditioning of prince charming. Ladies, you were not targeted because you were weak. You were targeted because you were strong. You bought into the fairytale. Who wouldn't? We've been conditioned since little girls. You got hooked, addicted, brainwashed, and beaten down. It's a game to them. They are messed up. You are not. Yes, you have a journey of healing to go through. Since I'm talking "stories", you are on the archetypical hero's journey. And you will arrive on the other side wiser and stronger. Whine,bitch, moan and complain. This is scary stuff. It is unbelievable stuff. So say what you need to say and move on when you are ready. Grief is not a linear process.
Jul 28 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
Used
Used's picture

hitandrun

so true, istill remember thinking they havent beaten me ime still argueing back and putting them in there place, oh dear, how pathetic ly did i think then you are 100% right, i actually thought i was getting the better of them by ranting and raving, but was doin what they wanted all along, how could i have thought that, when i got migraines and stomach cramps when i was with either of them,hooray nc with both over 9months, now i know ime winning, thanks for that i was actually becoming complacent,what happened to my alert at all times, back on track now.
Jul 30 - 7AM (Reply to #40)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

they love it when you fight back

. . . and come back for more. I truly believe that the number one reason I stayed so long was because I felt he appreciated my calling him on his BS because no one else did. I made myself beleive I was gradually winning his trust, his love, and that one day he would break down and sob and apologize and be vulnerable and we'd live happily ever after because I knew what he was but stuck by him. Nope, nope, nope and nope.
Jul 28 - 2PM (Reply to #38)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Used

Yes, they love it when you fight back. But when you are "on to them" they seek another. I do not believe it is a sign of ANYTHING except brainwashing, hormonal manipulation, and the prior conditioning of women to the fairytale(men too for that matter). These men play you once you are hooked. Cult members need to be rescued from brainwashing. Sometimes we have to rescue ourselves when we finally realize what is truly going on. This takes incredible strength. I had some sort of weird malady the whole time I was with the Disordered One. Stuff I never had. Haven't been sick a day(with the exception of the initial shock, grief, and depression...I mean sick-sick)since he D&D'd me. That fact alone made me a believer that they suck our energy. I am not abdicating personal responsibility. But a relationship with a disordered personality and a break up with them does not fit the normal psychological, codependent, self-esteem literature. It's a whole different ballgame.
Jul 28 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
Used
Used's picture

hitandrun

all the time i was withexh iwas ill i saw my doctor at least twice a month for over 30years, i even knew the receptionists well. then one day about 6 years ago i bumped into one of them, she said how are you we all guessed you had moved b/c you dont come to doctors anymore and i said without thinking, no ime better now i divorced my husband, we both stood there looking at each other and i thought why did i say that, i was on so much medication and eating non stop, iwent from7stone to 18stone in a few years, the medication would have knocked an elephant out. thanks for saying what incredible strength it takes to get out,b/c even when i divorced him he still didnt go away, thank god i got away from him,then when i met n i ended up having to have a camera down my throat to see why i felt ill all the time, ironicly i even said to the friend who came with me, last time i had this done was when i was married, why didnt i get the message then wht didnt i listen to my gut[no pun intended] the clue s were there all the time.
Jul 28 - 4AM (Reply to #30)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Hitandrun

I have a problem with the word 'weak'. As a survivor of childhood loss and emotional abuse, I see myself as someone who is deeply wounded but spiritually very strong (or I would not have survived). Because of these wounds, I developed a deep compassion and kindness towards others -especially those who have also endured loss or been abused in some way. IMO, these kind of experiences and my bid to overcome them make me a strong person as opposed to a weak one - a strong person with a huge capacity for compassion and goodness but who also happens to have some serious chinks in her armour. On the surface I present as a strong, capable and confident woman. Compassion and human goodness are the qualities the N or P wants to suck dry and they go about dangling a variety of bait until they find a way to worm in. My X npd co-parent tried many angles to get me on the hook, including lies that he had been hurt and abused and I still wasn't buying. Then he paraded his big, loving closeknit family and beckoned me to be a part of it. He knew I couldn't resist them (I lost both my parents early in life and my only sib was an alcoholic), thats where my chink was and that's where he got in. Survivors most often have strong spirits even if they appear 'weak' when judged by societies values. I believe it is the strength of spirit the N is trying to wipe out - how dare anyone attempt to overcome such wounds when they themselves are unable to because they have already sold their soul to the devil! To help me avoid future N's, P's and PD types in general I have educated myself and continue to do so on everything I can about their behaviours. But my primary work is on myself, healing old wounds, grieving fully for past losses because once my own wounds are accepted and healed there will be no chinks for a hook to get in. And if a tender spot does start to itch? Then it will be my first alrert to run for the hills! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Jul 28 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Good for you Klarity Belle

I don't like the word "weak" either, not sure why I chose that terminology. Glad you keep moving forward, are spiritually strong, and are listening to your inner guidance. I will be the first one to admit I ignored mine because the fantasy seemed so real.No matter how strong you are, it's easy to get caught up in the fairytale. If you are empathic at all, you do not pick up the bad vibes as strongly as with others. You cannot pick up the feelings of someone who cannot feel. You pick up on your own feelings, the one's he mirrors back to you. The devil usually appears,at first, as an angel of light, not a scary monster...that comes later! I just want to encourage people that get involved with disordereds that it is not necessarily because you are "weak" and have so many flaws. I am not talking victim mentality. This happened to you. It sucks. Yes you made a choice. Hopefully, you can glean something from it once you get through it. It never hurts to take a look at yourself,make changes, and grow. Being "healthy" does not necessarily repel losers. Remember, bugs are attracted to the light. Alright, I'll get off my soap box.
Jul 28 - 4PM (Reply to #35)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Wow....

..."Being "healthy" does not necessarily repel losers. Remember, bugs are attracted to the light." Wow, I just now remembered telling someone in one of my frantic rants way back when N and I parted ways, that I was totally pissed off because he was like a bug, atracted to my "light" wanting to suck the very life energy out of me and then snuff it out. I also just now remember saying that looking at him waslike looking in the face of pure evil, something that I never noticed in the beginning. My friends just all looked at me like I was nuts, or bitter. They probably thought I was being a drama queen. Actually, I almost married one.
Jul 28 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

ShanayasMommy

Me, too sister. We both dodged the matrimony bullet : )
Jul 28 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

hitandrun

Isn't the better word 'weaknesses'. We all have our weaknesses no matter how strong we are because we are human. In 'I, Psychopath', that is how the PHD described the reason we are victimized just as he had been victimized himself - 'because we are human'. And isn't that what the N has perfected and practiced all their lives - to recognize, seek, and use those weaknesses. I read somewhere that the only things they actually hear people say are things that show their vulnerabilities or 'weaknesses' and they ignore everything else said. I also read recently that the true meaning of love and intimacy - is the ability to share our vulnerabilities with the one we love. A worthy partner, a real love, is sharing back not making mental notes how to use them all against you.

almostlydia

Jul 29 - 10AM (Reply to #34)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

They hate our humanity

Early on in the "relationship", one of my classmates said that my ex-Psychopath professor was "punishing me for being human." Predators pursue prey, no matter how strong or weak they are. To a lion, ANY animal is potentially lunch. That's how parasites are. They hook into anything with a bloodstream. It was chilling to realize the D&D process in hindsight and see how my ex-P had somehow sized up my "weaknesses" and designed a devaluation&discard based on them. He knew I was infatuated with him, that I saw him as a potential boyfriend/spouse... and so he used all of that AGAINST me. No wonder it was sadistic. No wonder he NEVER told me about his long-distance girlfriend. No wonder he became crueler when I told him about a friend's death that happened during that time. My ex-P saw my kindness, compassion, and patience as weaknesses. Even I told him that the fact he plotted to flaunt his girlfriend to turn me into a jealous, raging witch... so when I congratulated him on his betrothal instead of wishing him ill with the OW... he flew into a rage. The fact that I wasn't suicidal, jealously plotting, raging at the OW and having a catfight with her... I wasn't following his sick "script." My ex-Psychopath professor knew his lack of sharing back&giving constructive criticism on my writing was supposed to demoralize me from writing. Writing was one of my "vulnerabilities." Now I see my ex-P's vulnerabilities;the jealousy, the constant anger, that Ns/Ps find the success of people they've D&D'd incredibly painful. I have received validation from some of my former professors on my writing. I don't expect any from him now. I used to assume that like any other teacher, he'd be capable of enjoying my success. I sent a mass email to my professors some time ago all about my writing successes... in hindsight I guess I was dangling my success before him like the fruit that was dangled before Tantalus.
Jul 28 - 7PM (Reply to #33)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

almostlydia

You made some very strong points. Never I intended for someone to think I was saying we had no vulnerabilities...doesn't everyone? I am talking that we are not walking balls of self-loathing, needy, no self-esteem people. We've got something going on. Perfection is for TV movies. I surely don't want to be making mental notes and keeping score in my next relationship. I didn't do it in the relationship with the Disorderd One either. I trusted him 100% until 4 days before the D&D and I was willing to work through it! That's brainwashing at it's finest. I had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with..zip, nada, no clue. And then it started getting really weird. I agree with what you shared "the true meaning of love and intimacy - is the ability to share our vulnerabilities with the one we love." I pray we are all able to have that experience.
Jul 27 - 2PM (Reply to #28)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

Yes you are right though I

Yes you are right though I think because most people are so uneducated about these types of personalities that they don't see that they're part of a larger problem - I thought mine was a loveable rascal/a troubled soul who just needed a bit of extra love and some discipline (like a child! ha).
Jul 26 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

We need to spend time

We need to spend time bashing the Narc for a while. After a time of doing that, we need to move on to focusing on ourself. "What the narc did to me today" is an early stage in the healing process. It's about venting the feelings, and about putting the experience down in black and white. It makes it real. Getting the validation and support is vital. It's our first steps out of the insanity of these relationships. There is a gal on another forum that finally left her Narc. She'd been a member for YEARS, literally, and was still in the "what my Narc did to me today" up until four months ago!! She dumped his ass last month and is so strong I think about her with awe. I'd wager my next paycheck against her going back! And I am not easy to convince. Everyone is different. I think the main thing is to not look upon another member as a person who "SHOULD be beyond that by now". Everyone has the right to be talking about what the Narc did to me today as long as it takes. Even though we are sisters under the skin, we each have different paths through healing. It takes as long as it takes. In my understanding, the stages of healing start at "what my Narc did to me today" and eventually, this becomes less important than "what I did today". It's kind of organic. And each person has a "right" to stay in the What the Narc did to Me forever, if that's what they want. Intolerance for that, on our part, is just wrong. Getting mad at them, or tired of them is OUR PROBLEM, not theirs! We need to take a step back and question ourselves for our intolerance. I have gone through these "stages" myself, so I'm just telling it like it happened to me. I have gone on the warpath and confronted fellow survivors, and they weren't "ready" and it HURT them :( . I had no business thinking I was so evolved, you know? That I knew what was best for them. I really don't know. But it's a dynamic that I've seen on other survivor forums. The best forums are the ones where people are NOT confronted or subject to demands they progress along in a certain way. Besides, what I discovered was that the folks that bothered me with their "What the Narc did to me today" brought forth in me bad memories I did not want to remember. I WAS them, for seven years!! I wasn't even brave enough to come to a place like this until I got rid of my Narc. I was so ashamed. Anyway, that's my two cents :D . I completely agree with the OP. I also believe that no "standard" of progress should be enforced, ever.
Jul 28 - 4AM (Reply to #24)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Briseis - bashing the narc!

Maybe we should have one day a week that is just for Narc Bashing! It certainly helps to get the anger out. My experiences have been similar to yours. In the beginning of my own self recovery I needed to bash the narc a lot. Even now when he does something to hurt our kids I need to vent and bash quite a bit. But...after a while, my attention shifted more and more onto myself and the work I needed to do for my own self-recovery and that is where I try to keep my attention for the most part these days. Healing does come in phases, thanks for pointing that out, it is important to remember that on these boards there are people in various stages of the healing process. All going in the same direction though which as Betty says, there is only forward! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Jul 27 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

2 cents

Briseis, your 2 cents is always worth a million bucks. Thanks for posting your hard-won wisdom. It really is about tolerance. Regarding the original post, I think we can all agree that positive and healing posts are very refreshing, especially considering that they were not encouraged on this message board up until about a month ago. I had become very turned off by the board. Bashing, exposing, sharing Facebook pages of our narcs was totally unproductive and keeps a person in the negative quagmire, focused on the N. It is so very true that we must work towards putting the focus back onto ourselves. I know that I made great strides once I did that. But I do think that in the early stages, commiserating can be healing. One can say, "Wow! Your narc did that too? So I WASN'T crazy or imagining it!!!" There is just so much to make sense of. If it's been years and someone hasn't been able to take the focus off of the N and put the focus back onto themselves, then it's unfortunate. But it still needs to be tolerated. Or simply ignored if it's bothersome. There were posts in the past that bothered me greatly. They are no longer happening, but if they were, I would just ignore them. As they say in 12-step programs, take what you like and leave the rest. Wishing positivity and healing to all, at your own pace.
Jul 26 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Well Said

I will openly admit that I do get frustrated/annoyed with some of the drama when someone on here is still in the thick of things... but that frustration is MY ISSUE and a reminder that I have to work more on tolerance and compassion. It took me over a year to stop reading his blog... and I had to get really hurt before I learned my lesson. But I did learn that lesson. And in the meantime I drove my friends nuts with "you won't believe what he just said..." !! We all go at our own pace. No contact is the most healing (when possible) but we can't all go no contact from Day #1. Let me also add, that on the flipside when someone insists they are over a long term relationship with a blink of an eye chances are they 1) are lying or 2) are not dealing with the grief which will catch up to them one day. And BlueMoon, I love this: I believe that is the point of this board, whether it is discernable that the guy is a narcissist or not...if he is not meeting your needs and is making you miserable, then he is not for you...period. The diagnosis truly doesn't matter... if he treats you like poop, then that's enough of a reason to say goodbye!
Jul 26 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

So true, Bodhi

What I think (this is just me) is that the discomfort we feel over a person still stuck in the drama is that we are triggered. We see ourselves in them. And we don't like it! Yet there we were, in the drama ourselves, all that time. Years for some of us. I know I am ashamed of myself for all that time in the drama. I want to go back and box my own ears! WAKE UP!! When we get intolerant of another person, usually we are projecting our own stuff on them. Narcs aren't the only ones who project, ALL human being project. It's as natural as breathing. It just means there are parts of us we don't "own" yet, or haven't accepted. Once a person wakes up to the reality of the Narc, and what we've become because of our surrender to him, it can get pretty ugly inside :( . If we do not forgive ourselves, and understand ourselves, and plunge the depths of our part in our destruction, we just project and attack. Once you understand that you really didn't have Clue Number One about what you were doing, you can see that the folks still mired in their dramas don't know what they are doing either. They aren't deliberately writhing around in pain! They just haven't woken up to the reality of their situation. And they certainly won't wake up by knocking them in the head with "NO CONTACT, DAMMIT!!" . Lord knows that knocking people in the head is just what the Narc does. And your last line Bodhi -- the diagnosis does not matter. Ever. Whether or not he is a Narc is irrelevant, it's how he treats you and how you feel treated. That's all the information we really have, anyway. And it's good enough.
Jul 26 - 10AM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

yes, I notice a new found direction

I SO notice a new found direction of positivity on this board now that Lisa made the change and the NEW moderator is here! You ladies are amazing- I wish so many more women in the world would be aware of how to champion their own lives...whether they are in a relationship with an N, was raised by one, in an abusive situation or just in places in their lives that are not making them happy! Very cool!
Jul 25 - 9PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Its absolutely necessary to

Its absolutely necessary to take the focus from the N and bring it back to us. This is why these new steps will be working is so beneficial for us. It will help us redirect and look at our lives and our recovery rather than all on the Narcissist. It is completely normal for us to have obsessive thoughts about the N and our past relationship. However, When it lingers for extensive time then we have to reexamine what we are doing or not doing to make progress in recovery. Yes everyone is at different stages. Some linger longer than others. We all have to take a good look at where we are. Internally we all know when we are making good progress or at a stand still. We know when its time to transition the stages. The one thing we are very fortunate to have is this board and a lots of experienced people that have been throughout all phases of recovery. This is priceless wisdom that money can not buy. But you have to be ready to want the change in your life. If your not then you will remain stuck. The choice is ours. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 25 - 7PM
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

BlueMoon

When I came to this board I already knew what I was dealing with. I knew I was with an N and was in the process of divorcing him. Out of the many things that my therapist enforced, it was to get the focus back onto me. I agree with you, BlueMoon. My recovery was not about him. It was about me. I spent decades imprisoned as a vicim of the Ns actions. It was time to work on me and do whatever it took to recover. I have seen posters here that go on and on about what an N did today or yesterday and it keeps going on and on and on. I agree everyone is at different stages. What I don't agree with is when the victim continues to rehash the same things, breaks no contact, etc. and many simply say "that's ok, honey". It becomes a bashfest of the N which is not conducive to recovery. It is not tough love nor is it being a bitch to say to someone "this is not ok. This is what will happen", etc. One can be empathetic with a victim but to join in or wipe it under the carpet, is, in my opinion, not helpful to someone trying to recover. I'm no expert and can only recite what worked for me. After 30 years with an N I'm not recovered. Yet. It is very difficult but in order for me to go on and live the life I was meant to, I cannot inflict the pain and despondency upon myself that the N so loved doing. My day to day activities from the day I left the marital home was to focus on me, what I want, what I need to do to move on. It is quite possible to move on but one must take the action required to get out of the problem and into the solution.
Jul 25 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
lynn61
lynn61's picture

bluemoon and awayfromhim

thanks for you excellent comments!! i am with you on all you shared. awayfromhim: it is so good to know there are others that have been in long term relationships with their N's (i am currently in divorce proceedings after almost 29 years of marriage). my recovery and health get better every day that i don't have contact. it takes a conscious effort to keep the thoughts off him and the losses, and on me and my recovery. there is a true sense of freedom though, isnt there?

really??

Jul 26 - 5AM (Reply to #17)
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Lynn61

I hope the divorce proceedings are going ok for you. I had an excellent attorney and she would not cave in to the Ns ridiculous demands. In the end it cost me more money than was needed because his attorney put forth documents based on what he wanted vs. what would be considered within the norm in marital law. My attorney laughed at first and then got pissed to the point she told the managing partner in the firm he was with to have someone else take over the case. The partner ended up taking over and things moved quickly after that. What a farce the N created. My therapist had advised me that things would get astronomically better once I was out of the marital home. I left in April and it has been mostly uphill since then. The feeling of freedom for the first few weeks was non-existent. PTSD was intense and I had brought along the fear of him with me. I still woke up at night thinking I heard his truck pulling in the driveway. Then, one day, I just felt like a burden had been lifted, like I weighed less. Hang in there. After 30 years with the N I can tell you that even with that amount of time, and your 29 years, recovery is possible. Life can not only be good, it can be extraordinary.
Jul 25 - 5PM
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

We must remember that we are all at different stages

I gotta' say I was a little fearful when I read Bluemoon's post as I'm feeling like there might be some difference in where we are at in the healing process. I, for one, am not just able to stop period as I am somewhat still new to this, only 10 weeks, versus 34 weeks for you. Surely we have to be patient while the newbies trip and fall sometimes? I'm wondering if maybe we should have a Junior Forum and a Senior Forum so that those of us who are still fairly new at this might have a chance to do the work without feeling any pressure? I agree with Scoop, 100% that pinpointing the abuse is important.
Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
sarahb
sarahb's picture

that's an important point

It's an important point you make, that everyone is at different stages of healing and it can take so long to process. I like the different boards idea - maybe the current site could have, in addition to, "message board" something new like "moving ahead and victories" or something like that that is more about positive ideas or steps or success stories that people can share. There is so much well-earned sadness here that needs to be shared and heard, and yet there are also inspiring stories of triumph and moving on. Maybe something to consider, Betty2020 our wonderful new moderator!
Jul 27 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

i agree

Hi everyone...in no way did I mean that there were not different stages of grief, different levels of indoctrination, abuse and intricacies...a person married for 25 years to an abuser is going to have a different path entirely from a person who has been dating one and has the ability to disconnect with no involvement of kids, property, etc. And of course it makes sense to reflect about the situation so that one can see patterns and heal. My point is that what I think most of us have in common, regardless of the time factor, is/was a general malaise about our worthiness...a common thread of feeling that we are not enough as is and have to accommodate, apologize or compromise our ourselves to be worthy of love and attention. This PREDATES the relationship with the abuser for most of us, which therefore means that the relationship, however heinous, was not the cause, but could be seen as a byproduct or injury resulting from not being given the tools of self love and self protection. Abuse exacerbates an existing situation and brings us to our knees. This is where it becomes time to examine inward. This is not about blaming ourselves, ever! It is about loving ourselves, who we once were and who we deserve to be...having compassion for ourselves when we were vulnerable and knowing that we did the best that we could at the time. I look at myself in pictures when I was young and know I love that girl now. I hated her at the time, but she is precious to me now. Sometimes we beat ourselves up, when what we really need to do is treat ourselves as well as we would treat our own children, everyday. I ask myself, if I were my own daughter, would I be so cruel? NO! Never. Wouldn't I think she were wonderful? Wouldn't I cherish her? The answer is yes. It does hurt to hear the stories of women who are so hard on themselves and feel so unworthy that they are grateful for attention. Yes, because it reminds me of how I was and it triggers, of course, but moreover it is because I want so badly for them to feel good, competent and proud of who they are. I liken it to banging one's head against a wall and having it feel so good when you stop...
Jul 25 - 4PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

what you say is true but not

what you say is true but not abosulte , it is important to know now we where abused . Part of what we have to go through is the "he said this and it was outragious" we have to pin point the abuse so we can recognise it then deal with it . So much was covert abuse that it takes an element of "contenplating our navel " to really get to the heart of why we feel so violated .This takes study of the narc that caused the grief .I think they played such a number on us that it is very easy to slip in to looking at our selves for the problem or the cure and of cause ,it will be us that eventualy come up with healing but we must all remeber that they are acountable for our suffering .Thats why we are here . if it was a normal break up we would all be over it by now . Narcissim is a scary and deep seated disorder that we have been exposed to , and it takes many elements to get over it . ... shit i dont want to sound down on the whole victum thing but i feel we must not brush over it . .. big love scoop x
Jul 25 - 4PM
ewa
ewa's picture

I agree. Thats 100% truth :)

I agree. Thats 100% truth :)