I need help

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. He is an idiot, non-human, and an all around a**hole. Use the knowledge you have about his disorder to strengthen your resolve to cut him off; no matter how many times it takes, don't stop trying. I suffered panic attacks also everytime I broke up with him. Yet, at the time, I had no idea what he was afflicted with and what he was doing to me (mind games, etc). So I just kept going back because I didn't know what was pulling me back to him all the time. You are already several steps ahead of many of us who didn't know what narcissism was until we put up with more than we ever thought we would with anyone and stumbled across this site and others in a desperate attempt to figure out what the hell was going on. So, be kind to yourself and absolutely keep reading everything on this board until you fully realize the negative implications this guy has on your mental and physical well being. He's not human, and he will become more cruel each time you go back to him.

Oh, my heart breaks for you. You are in such a painful spot. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stayingstrong is right: "Any woman would be jealous/insecure if their boyfriend was ignoring them yet paying attention to another woman. The problem isn't your insecurities, the problem is him. No normal man would do things to hurt you. This guy is sick. He is toying with you and probably enjoying it. No Contact is painfully hard, but it works. And it gets easier. You are miserable now and if you stay you will always be miserable. If you leave, your misery will be temporary, you will slowly start feeling better. Please know this is true." A member who used to post a lot by the name of Jodie used to always say: "Cry now because he's gone or cry later because you have him." You can do this, Sad. You can do the hard work to get yourself into a better place. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you continue to see this man, you are going to feel like this all the time. That's no way to live. You can do this. We are here for you and you are not alone. Hard work now pays off later. You owe it to yourself to break free.

oh sad1, I feel aweful for you. You are really in a bad state thanks to this asshole. Don't feel crazy. Please. Everything you are feeling, crazy and desparate, it's all because he has mind-f*cked you so badly. Any woman would be jealous/insecure if their boyfriend was ignoring them yet paying attention to another woman. The problem isn't your insecurities, the problem is him. No normal man would do things to hurt you. This guy is sick. He is toying with you and probably enjoying it. I know you think you can't go No Contact, but I think you have to. You have to find strength from somewhere within yourself and stop. If you are ever going to heal, you cannot be in contact with him. He will just continue to mess with your head and you will eventually find yourself in a worse off position than you are in now. No Contact is painfully hard, but it works. And it gets easier. You are miserable now and if you stay you will always be miserable. If you leave, your misery will be temporary, you will slowly start feeling better. Please know this is true. This man does not love you. He does not respect you. He will not change and that is NOT your fault. Sending you a hug and strength:) Keep posting. xoxo

I just read your post and my heart hurts for you .. seriously. I feel your pain and I wish I had some magic trick to show you to make it stop. I have been wondering how you were and am sorry to hear you are going thru this. The manipulation and games they play with us are such a mindf* that I think only we on this site understand fully. Please Please try to pick yourself up and get some help. Maybe counseling? I know you are addicted to him .. I have been there. Last summer I was where you are and I didn't think I could make it. I shook and cried constantly, I couldn't get out of bed and function. Even when I was somewhere with other people my mind obessesed over him. Sweetie, do you want to keep feeling this way over and over .. or wouldn't it be better to have one hurt and move past it?? Its like ripping the bandaid off .. once its off you can move on. When you continue to go back to him and ALLOW him to treat you like this you rip it off over and over and pour salt in your wounds!! He will never treat you any better than he does right now .. this is AS GOOD AS IT GETS!! Don't let him rob you of your self respect and dignity any further. At some point WE become the problem because we start choosing it .. and he is getting off on it. Don't except the scraps he throws your way !! You DESERVE better .. and one day when you are healed and back to your old self you will find it. You knwo what he is .. and what he does to you .. we have all been there. I swallowed my pride SO many times .. he is chipping away at you little by little ... GET OUT !! He is not going to save you.. save yourself!!! Save yourself and your son! You don't want him to grow up thinking this relationship is how it is supposed to be do you?? We all know how hard it is ... God knows how many times I have been on my knees praying for strength. Please, I am begging you, pray and ask God to give you the strength you need and pick yourself up and decide that you are worth it and cut him out of your life like the cancer he is!!! I am worried about you .. you have many people here that will try to support you the best we can from this venue. I know you want to feel better .. a journey starts with ONE step .. take that step. One day or sometimes as I have said this last year .. One MINUTE at a time. You have got to try and replace your thoughts of him with other things .. it will not happen overnight but you have to try!! Don't romanticize him and this relationship .. it is all wrong. If there were ANY good .. you would not hurt like you do. GET MAD ... Don't let him disrespect you anymore! I am sending you all my love and hugs .. there are better days but you HAVE to want them for yourself and your son!! XXXOOOO

oh my ... So he asked you to go to his boat . He wanted to spend time with you . its no wonder you are confused . Reading that you slapped him and cryed while he slept was my story a few months ago , that hurtful mouth of theirs is enough to make a saint turn .The confusing mixed messages are what narcs do . It is designed to keep you un balenced , its all about controle and power and it is one of the sickest things i have had done to me so i know how you feel . Let me tell you now you are not pathetic , if you are then i am (and im not having that lol)as we have all been in youre sitiation . Why cant you just leave ? brainwashing ,, trance , hypnosis , you are acting against youre will , its a scarey feeling . But heres the positive you KNOW you are acting against youre will and thats where youre healing starts .Heres the key and its time , in time as sure as night follows day youre will will come back . ok you may have some more run ins with this freak but it is a fore gone conclusion that sooner or later youre WILL say enough is enough and you will simply stop playing the game . I dont need to say that this will happen quicker with NC you know that . I feel for you today .... put the phone down . that panic you feel will go away with practise it hasnt killed any of us and we have all felt it . Big love to you Scoop